I remember reading a blog about a year ago of a mother who had lost her sweet little boy in a tragic accident. She mentioned that she is not the same person since then. Although saying good-bye to my little girl was not nearly as traumatic as this other mom's story, I can agree about not being the same.
Anyway, today is Clarissa's third birthday. The pain of losing her is not nearly as hard as it was, however, the pains of missing her come and go quite acutely. For instance, today as I was sitting on a ride at California Adventure, I realized that I could have been there with two kids instead of one. I realize that having two kids would have been chaotic, but seeing little girls dressed in princess and Minnie Mouse dresses made me miss her more. I longed to buy the girlie toys just for her.
While visiting Bonnie, I found another Sharon Creech book I hadn't yet read: Chasing Redbird. I had no idea what it was about, but it was the perfect book to read this week. A little girl starts to understand grief, and I needed this book. I needed to grieve again, otherwise I feel empty and depressed holding it in. I could relate completely to the characters in the book, and it kept me connected to my grief. I know it sounds slightly morbid, but it's really not. The book gave me an outlet to reflect on my situation and allow to be with Sissy although I'm not home this week.
So, when I get home in a couple of days, you can bet we'll have some better posts about the last few days of our vacation and our lessons from Disneyland. It got better with each day. That much I can tell you.
Happy Birthday, Sissy! We love you and miss you!
"Til' Next We Meet"
I love you LeMira.
ReplyDeleteIf I were near ya, I'd give you a great big hug! Way to stay positive :)
ReplyDeleteGrieving for a lost child has changed me too. I understand what you say about the pains coming and going acutely. It is not all bad, though (as I'm sure you know). I've also felt more joy for the kids I have and definitely more love from the savior. I have often felt the Savior walking beside me in my grief.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience grieving overall has been bittersweet, and in the moment has often been so painful it takes my breath away.
Anyways, I guess my point is, "I hear you" and "You're so right." Your children have been blessed with an excellent mom.
What a tender post. I can hardly believe it's been 3 years since Clarissa was born. I bet she's with you at Disneyland and everywhere you go!
ReplyDeleteThought about Sissy today. I think of her often, crazy enough. Wish I was there to hug you!
ReplyDeleteNo one makes me cry like you do, LeMira. I love you!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great thing that you could find a book like that. It is so helpful to connect with the grief and acknowledge it (not that I've experienced what you have, but you know...).
ReplyDeleteYou are wonderful, LeMira and I'm so glad I've finally gotten to know you, since you've been related to me for quite awhile!
We're keeping you and your family in our thoughts. We love you!
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are so wonderful. Your strength through trials never ceases to amaze me and I feel blessed to be able to learn from you! Wish we could also give you a hug, but know you are in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh leMira I just got on your blog for the first time this week and saw that it was Clarissa's birthday! I too remember three years ago when she was born...crazy enough...even though I was new in the ward, I do remember that so clearly. Ironically, the next year almost a month apart, we had our little angel! Even though I do not fully understand all that you have been through and are going through, I do understand the loss of a child...and the loss of a daughter. What precious little angels they are and I am sure they are friends :) I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and Clarissa and hope and pray that you have felt her with you this past week! Happy Birthday Clarissa! I just love looking at her picture...she is so beautiful!
ReplyDeleteWe love you Lem! I cried with you and since I know no words really make it better just know we love you and feel for you both that you have had to endure this trial!
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note, we are highly envious of you trip this week. I truly believe it is one of the most magical places of earth! We have some of our favorite family memories there! Hope you have had a blast!
Love ya,
Amy