Back in September I wrote a blog post titled "Don't Forget Dad." I stand by what I said, and I still feel very strongly about what I wrote. In that post I referenced a birth father who has placed his child. Recently, I've been acquainted with an expectant father who will be placing his child for adoption. I have learned so much from him, and I appreciate and treasure yet another friendship that has grown because of adoption.
Dads have a voice, let's listen to them. You can read Benjamin's blog here:
Baby Darling
Showing posts with label birth parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birth parents. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Adoption Triad: The Adoptee part 1
Disclaimer: I was not adopted, and I don't claim to know all of the feelings a person might have, but this is my view on things. Remember if you disagree, please feel free to enlighten me, respectfully. Thanks.
It's been seven months since I wrote my last installment of the Adoption Triad series. I haven't forgotten that I have a very key and crucial piece to this puzzle to write. In fact, I think about it several times a week as I sit down to type my daily blog posts. I wonder, "Is today the day I write this post?"
Perhaps today is the day I write it and publish it, but at least today is the day I'm starting to write my feelings. It was a little over a year ago that I realized that I really needed to start researching more about adoption. I finally checked out a book -- the only book our library had -- on adoption: Raising Adopted Children: A Manual for Adoptive Parents. It's a somewhat outdated and very generalized book that gave an overview of adoption. It never really went into much detail about any one type of adoption. Despite that, I still remember learning something very important.
I remember that the author mentioned that at some point in an adopted child's life he/she will probably make statements and ask questions along the lines of "Why was I placed for adoption? Why didn't my first parents want me?" or in the midst of frustration declare, "I wish I had never been adopted. I want to go live with my birth mother/father!" Many adoptive parents may feel challenged and threatened by these statements.
I don't want to try to remember what the author's actual words were because I don't want to misrepresent her, but I will tell you how I felt about this. How many of us when we were kids or teenagers told our parents that we wished they weren't our parents, that "Sally's mom doesn't do that." Or "If I lived with the Smiths, their mom wouldn't ever say that to me!" OR "I'm running away; I hate it here. I wish you weren't my mom!" Some of us could have been six, seven, or eight when we said these things, or we could have been thirteen or seventeen. Depending on our age, it makes a difference the depth of those statements, and yet it still got me thinking. . .
Children will always question their parents. It's in our natures to need to decide for ourselves. God made us that way. Children will be disappointed, resentful, hurt, questioning, curious, and longing for answers. That is just the way it is. Whether a child is adopted or not, a child will wonder "what if?". The difference is that adoption adds another dimension, another depth. As adoptive parents, it's our duty, our responsibility to not be threatened. Sure, we'll want to take a step back and ask ourselves why our children may be asking these questions, but this does not mean that they do not love us!
The questions I had to ask myself were, "How would I handle this situation? How do I want to be able to handle this situation? Does this scare me?" After a lot of thought and self-searching, I realized that "No, this doesn't scare me because it's natural for a child to feel this way and to ask these questions. I just need to know that this will happen, and that it's okay."
In complete honesty, I would love to be able to say to my child, "Would you like to call your birth mom or birth dad to talk about this?" Or if my child runs out the door and says, "I'm going to live at my birth mom's/birth dad's," then I wouldn't have any problem calling up the birth parents and explaining the situation and talking it over together. I want that relationship to be completely open, honest, and natural among us. Yes, I'm probably speaking in ideal terms, but is it possible? I believe so.
In talking to a friend over the last week, I reaffirmed my desire that I would love an adoption that isn't awkward at all. Yes, those things take time because adoption is filled with resentment, hurt, pain, heartache, and awkwardness; but I would love a relationship with the birth parents where they are like family in my home where they can drop by any time, that we are friends. If I see one of them in the store, it's not awkward, it's like seeing my good friend there and stopping and chatting and visiting. We could pick up the phone and talk about anything, and it would be okay. If one of us is hurting over adoption, we can talk about it. Is this a fantasized idea? Perhaps. Do I think it's possible? Yes. I do. The key would to not push the relationship, but to have it develop naturally, but just like in any relationship, it takes work and time and patience and immense amounts of love and wanting it to work. Yes, I think it's possible.
Now, I have gone off on a bit of a tangent, but I feel like I needed to introduce some of these ideas first. I have much more to write about the adoptee and natural feelings that come and a difficult conversation I had with someone who was adopted. It's been several months since we had our crucial conversation, and it's not that I haven't wanted to write what she told me, but I needed process it, digest it, and come to terms with what I really believe about adoption.
So, this post isn't "that post" that I wrote about in my first paragraph, but this is the beginning, the lead-in to that very personal post.
It's been seven months since I wrote my last installment of the Adoption Triad series. I haven't forgotten that I have a very key and crucial piece to this puzzle to write. In fact, I think about it several times a week as I sit down to type my daily blog posts. I wonder, "Is today the day I write this post?"
Perhaps today is the day I write it and publish it, but at least today is the day I'm starting to write my feelings. It was a little over a year ago that I realized that I really needed to start researching more about adoption. I finally checked out a book -- the only book our library had -- on adoption: Raising Adopted Children: A Manual for Adoptive Parents. It's a somewhat outdated and very generalized book that gave an overview of adoption. It never really went into much detail about any one type of adoption. Despite that, I still remember learning something very important.
I remember that the author mentioned that at some point in an adopted child's life he/she will probably make statements and ask questions along the lines of "Why was I placed for adoption? Why didn't my first parents want me?" or in the midst of frustration declare, "I wish I had never been adopted. I want to go live with my birth mother/father!" Many adoptive parents may feel challenged and threatened by these statements.
I don't want to try to remember what the author's actual words were because I don't want to misrepresent her, but I will tell you how I felt about this. How many of us when we were kids or teenagers told our parents that we wished they weren't our parents, that "Sally's mom doesn't do that." Or "If I lived with the Smiths, their mom wouldn't ever say that to me!" OR "I'm running away; I hate it here. I wish you weren't my mom!" Some of us could have been six, seven, or eight when we said these things, or we could have been thirteen or seventeen. Depending on our age, it makes a difference the depth of those statements, and yet it still got me thinking. . .
Children will always question their parents. It's in our natures to need to decide for ourselves. God made us that way. Children will be disappointed, resentful, hurt, questioning, curious, and longing for answers. That is just the way it is. Whether a child is adopted or not, a child will wonder "what if?". The difference is that adoption adds another dimension, another depth. As adoptive parents, it's our duty, our responsibility to not be threatened. Sure, we'll want to take a step back and ask ourselves why our children may be asking these questions, but this does not mean that they do not love us!
The questions I had to ask myself were, "How would I handle this situation? How do I want to be able to handle this situation? Does this scare me?" After a lot of thought and self-searching, I realized that "No, this doesn't scare me because it's natural for a child to feel this way and to ask these questions. I just need to know that this will happen, and that it's okay."
In complete honesty, I would love to be able to say to my child, "Would you like to call your birth mom or birth dad to talk about this?" Or if my child runs out the door and says, "I'm going to live at my birth mom's/birth dad's," then I wouldn't have any problem calling up the birth parents and explaining the situation and talking it over together. I want that relationship to be completely open, honest, and natural among us. Yes, I'm probably speaking in ideal terms, but is it possible? I believe so.
In talking to a friend over the last week, I reaffirmed my desire that I would love an adoption that isn't awkward at all. Yes, those things take time because adoption is filled with resentment, hurt, pain, heartache, and awkwardness; but I would love a relationship with the birth parents where they are like family in my home where they can drop by any time, that we are friends. If I see one of them in the store, it's not awkward, it's like seeing my good friend there and stopping and chatting and visiting. We could pick up the phone and talk about anything, and it would be okay. If one of us is hurting over adoption, we can talk about it. Is this a fantasized idea? Perhaps. Do I think it's possible? Yes. I do. The key would to not push the relationship, but to have it develop naturally, but just like in any relationship, it takes work and time and patience and immense amounts of love and wanting it to work. Yes, I think it's possible.
Now, I have gone off on a bit of a tangent, but I feel like I needed to introduce some of these ideas first. I have much more to write about the adoptee and natural feelings that come and a difficult conversation I had with someone who was adopted. It's been several months since we had our crucial conversation, and it's not that I haven't wanted to write what she told me, but I needed process it, digest it, and come to terms with what I really believe about adoption.
So, this post isn't "that post" that I wrote about in my first paragraph, but this is the beginning, the lead-in to that very personal post.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Medical Histories
I've had several thoughts going through my mind again about adoption. Actually, I always have thoughts, but I just haven't written as much about it because I was taking a sort of hiatus, remember? Anyway, this thought came so strongly yesterday that I just wanted to share it. It's something I've thought about for a long time, but yesterday it hit me strongly.
Open adoption has so many different levels. It can mean anything from "you're part of our family," to "here's an email once a year." Personally, I would prefer the first one, and those who know me really well know that we have an open-door policy at our house, and sometimes I'm the open book that just won't close. Anyway, as I've been thinking about it, whatever your adoption policy and situation is, I believe that an "Open Dialogue for Life" policy is key, even if it is that the only form of communication is an email once in while. For the moment set aside the ethical and moral reasons of an open adoption that I've stated many times and consider the logical and emotional importance of knowing your medical history.
Recently, I went to my doctor for my yearly well-check exam. Exciting, I know. Anyway, as I was filling out all of the paper work again (new system, new office, etc.), I began thinking, "What if I didn't know any of this?" I thought about Jackson and the countless questions we've had along the lines of, "Does this or that run in your family or extended family?" Sometimes it's not even until later in life that diagnoses come. Things like diabetes, cancer, or personality disorders may not be diagnosed until later in life.
I began thinking about a future adopted child. Yes, I know that birth parents can fill out a medical history on their families, which I think is very important and helpful; however, like I said, some medical issues don't make an appearance until later on in life. For example, let's say we adopt a daughter who later in life develops a lump in her breast. If she has an open dialogue with her birth parents, she can ask if breast cancer runs in her birth family lines. Perhaps one of her birth grandmothers or even her birth mother had cysts, never cancer, but she didn't know this until after she placed her daughter for adoption. With an open dialogue, our "daughter" can get some answers, and so she is able to not panic. Perhaps cancer does run in her line, and so when she finds a lump, she doesn't wait until it's too late to call the doctor because she knows the risks.
Another example for you all. Our hypothetical daughter is now a mother, and she starts noticing some odd behaviors in her toddler. She's not sure what is going on. She talks to her mother who then advises her to talk to her birth parents to see if there is any family history of delays or these quirks she's noticing. Through continual communication, she's able to know that there is something going on and that it runs in her family line.
I pose this to you because these are examples of things that could happen in any of our lives. Most of us, when something unusual happens in our health, can ask our family members. We can ask around and find history of depression, bi-polar disorder, speech delays, autism, diabetes, high levels of iron in the liver, and we can get answers. It doesn't always make the burden easier, but it does bring some clarity of why, or that it's not a complete surprise. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have that door open to get answers to my questions about why something is happening. How would it feel to feel lost and baffled? How would it feel to turn in a blank information sheet to the doctor because you don't have any clue?
Just another reason for an open adoption.
Open adoption has so many different levels. It can mean anything from "you're part of our family," to "here's an email once a year." Personally, I would prefer the first one, and those who know me really well know that we have an open-door policy at our house, and sometimes I'm the open book that just won't close. Anyway, as I've been thinking about it, whatever your adoption policy and situation is, I believe that an "Open Dialogue for Life" policy is key, even if it is that the only form of communication is an email once in while. For the moment set aside the ethical and moral reasons of an open adoption that I've stated many times and consider the logical and emotional importance of knowing your medical history.
Recently, I went to my doctor for my yearly well-check exam. Exciting, I know. Anyway, as I was filling out all of the paper work again (new system, new office, etc.), I began thinking, "What if I didn't know any of this?" I thought about Jackson and the countless questions we've had along the lines of, "Does this or that run in your family or extended family?" Sometimes it's not even until later in life that diagnoses come. Things like diabetes, cancer, or personality disorders may not be diagnosed until later in life.
I began thinking about a future adopted child. Yes, I know that birth parents can fill out a medical history on their families, which I think is very important and helpful; however, like I said, some medical issues don't make an appearance until later on in life. For example, let's say we adopt a daughter who later in life develops a lump in her breast. If she has an open dialogue with her birth parents, she can ask if breast cancer runs in her birth family lines. Perhaps one of her birth grandmothers or even her birth mother had cysts, never cancer, but she didn't know this until after she placed her daughter for adoption. With an open dialogue, our "daughter" can get some answers, and so she is able to not panic. Perhaps cancer does run in her line, and so when she finds a lump, she doesn't wait until it's too late to call the doctor because she knows the risks.
Another example for you all. Our hypothetical daughter is now a mother, and she starts noticing some odd behaviors in her toddler. She's not sure what is going on. She talks to her mother who then advises her to talk to her birth parents to see if there is any family history of delays or these quirks she's noticing. Through continual communication, she's able to know that there is something going on and that it runs in her family line.
I pose this to you because these are examples of things that could happen in any of our lives. Most of us, when something unusual happens in our health, can ask our family members. We can ask around and find history of depression, bi-polar disorder, speech delays, autism, diabetes, high levels of iron in the liver, and we can get answers. It doesn't always make the burden easier, but it does bring some clarity of why, or that it's not a complete surprise. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have that door open to get answers to my questions about why something is happening. How would it feel to feel lost and baffled? How would it feel to turn in a blank information sheet to the doctor because you don't have any clue?
Just another reason for an open adoption.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Delusional
Recently, I was called "delusional" for a comment I made on an adoption story because I mentioned how God is in adoption. Those of you who know and share my beliefs may be surprised by this reaction to my statement, but I was not. I won't lie. The comment stung, yet I believe it is false. If I had been called delusional four years ago, it would have hurt more, but it would have been truer than that it is today.
It is true that there are many misconceptions about adoption, and there are many ignorant attitudes. Being truthful and looking back, I really had no idea what we were getting into when we were going to adopt, and I can honestly admit that (but I've talked about that many, many times). There's a statement in adoption about drinking the Kool-Aid, and although I am not a birth mother, I was one of those hopeful adoptive parent drinkers. (Please read my friend Kelsey's post about that: What's that about, drinking the adoption Kool-aid?) I took what was offered, and I drank because I knew no better. Was I deluded?
(definition taken from Merriam-Webster)
Four years later, I can honestly admit that I am not deluded. For a person who does not believe in God the way I do, however, I can seem really deluded. I have read and read and read about adoption, and I have branched out of my cozy little religious sphere. I've read the harsh truths (and continue to), seen the black side of adoption, and even questioned my beliefs about adoption. I've even wondered if I'm evil for hoping to adopt. I've questioned if adoption really is God's plan or if I'm just using the blanket statement, "It's God's Plan; it's God's will." I finally have my clarity. Now that I've read what is out there and opened my mind to every story, I've figured out my beliefs. Again, this is my clarity, it doesn't have to be yours.
Some things that I know without a shadow of a doubt:
1. Heavenly Father loves each and every one of His children.
2. We each have our agency (our free will) to make choices, and our Father will not take that away. Others might, but He won't. He allows us to suffer pain, hurt, and anguish.
3. Jesus Christ is the Begotten Son of God who atoned for our sins, pains, and suffering. His atonement is what makes it possible for us to still make mistakes using our free will and still be able to return home.
How does this relate to adoption?
1. Heavenly Father loves each and every one of His children. Heavenly Father wants each of his children to love and to be loved. I am not evil for wanting to adopt. I do not believe I am entitled to adopt, not at all. I believe I can love a child with more than one mother. If we are chosen by a set of parents to adopt their child, then wonderful! If not, then that's okay, too.
2. Heavenly Father doesn't "will" a mother to get pregnant or to choose to place her child for adoption. Part of mortality (living here on earth) is learning how to make choices and living with them as well as living with the choices/consequences of others. He also doesn't want to see his children suffer at all; He hurts when we do. Just as a good parent, He doesn't always step in and fix everything to our perfection (we are not perfect -- that just doesn't make sense).
Perhaps some of you will get offended, but this is my epiphany this week. Two thousand years ago, our Father in Heaven witnessed the most excruciating pain one of his children would ever suffer. He wasn't happy, but He knew it was the best path. He knew His Son had to suffer for the benefit of the rest of His children. He suffered and grieved over the death and suffering of His son (Matthew 27:50-51), but He knew it needed to happen. Heavenly Father doesn't want His children to suffer - He doesn't like to watch us hurt while we wait to adopt, or to hear a mother grieve for her child that she placed for adoption, or even to hear the cries of a child who was adopted and is trying to find her place in this world - but He knows we need to experience life in its fullest form, pain and all. "It's through our losses that we gain the most" (Lloyd Newell). Sometimes it's better for one to suffer for the benefit of more.
3. I firmly believe that Jesus Christ not only suffered for our sins, but also for our pains, losses, sufferings, illnesses and ailments. He knows what we feel because He has felt them. We can be saved through the grace of God after all that we can do. We have to acknowledge that He does know; that He can heal. We must not let His suffering be in vain.
These are my truths. I do not proclaim them for everyone else to claim as theirs, but these are mine. If you don't believe that adoption can be God's Plan, then yes, I am probably delusional to you. This plan gives me hope and peace not only for me, but it also eases my mind for my many friends who are walking the adoption path, especially the ones who are not adoptive parents.
It is true that there are many misconceptions about adoption, and there are many ignorant attitudes. Being truthful and looking back, I really had no idea what we were getting into when we were going to adopt, and I can honestly admit that (but I've talked about that many, many times). There's a statement in adoption about drinking the Kool-Aid, and although I am not a birth mother, I was one of those hopeful adoptive parent drinkers. (Please read my friend Kelsey's post about that: What's that about, drinking the adoption Kool-aid?) I took what was offered, and I drank because I knew no better. Was I deluded?
de·lu·sion
noun \di-ˈlü-zhən, dē-\Definition of DELUSION
1
: the act of deluding : the state of being deluded
2
a : something that is falsely or delusively believed or propagated b : a persistent false psychotic belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that is maintained despite indisputable evidence to the contrary; also : the abnormal state marked by such beliefs
(definition taken from Merriam-Webster)
Four years later, I can honestly admit that I am not deluded. For a person who does not believe in God the way I do, however, I can seem really deluded. I have read and read and read about adoption, and I have branched out of my cozy little religious sphere. I've read the harsh truths (and continue to), seen the black side of adoption, and even questioned my beliefs about adoption. I've even wondered if I'm evil for hoping to adopt. I've questioned if adoption really is God's plan or if I'm just using the blanket statement, "It's God's Plan; it's God's will." I finally have my clarity. Now that I've read what is out there and opened my mind to every story, I've figured out my beliefs. Again, this is my clarity, it doesn't have to be yours.
Some things that I know without a shadow of a doubt:
1. Heavenly Father loves each and every one of His children.
2. We each have our agency (our free will) to make choices, and our Father will not take that away. Others might, but He won't. He allows us to suffer pain, hurt, and anguish.
3. Jesus Christ is the Begotten Son of God who atoned for our sins, pains, and suffering. His atonement is what makes it possible for us to still make mistakes using our free will and still be able to return home.
How does this relate to adoption?
1. Heavenly Father loves each and every one of His children. Heavenly Father wants each of his children to love and to be loved. I am not evil for wanting to adopt. I do not believe I am entitled to adopt, not at all. I believe I can love a child with more than one mother. If we are chosen by a set of parents to adopt their child, then wonderful! If not, then that's okay, too.
2. Heavenly Father doesn't "will" a mother to get pregnant or to choose to place her child for adoption. Part of mortality (living here on earth) is learning how to make choices and living with them as well as living with the choices/consequences of others. He also doesn't want to see his children suffer at all; He hurts when we do. Just as a good parent, He doesn't always step in and fix everything to our perfection (we are not perfect -- that just doesn't make sense).
Perhaps some of you will get offended, but this is my epiphany this week. Two thousand years ago, our Father in Heaven witnessed the most excruciating pain one of his children would ever suffer. He wasn't happy, but He knew it was the best path. He knew His Son had to suffer for the benefit of the rest of His children. He suffered and grieved over the death and suffering of His son (Matthew 27:50-51), but He knew it needed to happen. Heavenly Father doesn't want His children to suffer - He doesn't like to watch us hurt while we wait to adopt, or to hear a mother grieve for her child that she placed for adoption, or even to hear the cries of a child who was adopted and is trying to find her place in this world - but He knows we need to experience life in its fullest form, pain and all. "It's through our losses that we gain the most" (Lloyd Newell). Sometimes it's better for one to suffer for the benefit of more.
3. I firmly believe that Jesus Christ not only suffered for our sins, but also for our pains, losses, sufferings, illnesses and ailments. He knows what we feel because He has felt them. We can be saved through the grace of God after all that we can do. We have to acknowledge that He does know; that He can heal. We must not let His suffering be in vain.
These are my truths. I do not proclaim them for everyone else to claim as theirs, but these are mine. If you don't believe that adoption can be God's Plan, then yes, I am probably delusional to you. This plan gives me hope and peace not only for me, but it also eases my mind for my many friends who are walking the adoption path, especially the ones who are not adoptive parents.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Don't Forget Dad
As I've read and researched around in the adoption world, there is something that really bothers me. So many times it seems as if the birth father's feelings are put second to the birth mother's. Women who have watched their husbands be a father, or especially watched their husbands grieve over the loss of a child will know that there is a connection between father and child. I understand what it means to be pregnant; I know what that feeling is to have a life grow inside of you. I know the loss that comes from having a baby too early, and the loss when that baby passes away. Yes, there is a different grieving for women than for men. After all, they don't feel the phantom kicks, the hormone changes, or the empty womb; however, we can not assume that because men don't experience some of the same things, they they will not experience their hearts being ripped from them.
When Jackson was in the hospital, it was Matt's voice he recognized first.
The first time the doctors told us that Jackson might not live because he was so ill, it was Matt who couldn't let go, who cried to me, "I can't let go of my boy." Matt gazed into Clarissa's eyes and held her very tenderly; he cried bitterly when she passed. A father has a very deep, special connection with his children. His connection is different than mine, but it is very real.
I firmly believe that is the same with a birth father. We can't assume that just because a man fathered a child means that he's only a sperm donor (sorry if that's too blunt for some of you). We can not assume that a birth father won't grieve over placing a child for adoption; we can not assume that he doesn't feel a connection. True, his connection may be different than the mother's but it is still there.* A very insightful post I recently read by a birth father explains this connection and grief very well. I hope you will take the time to read it:
Light at the end of the tunnel and the long, dark tea time of the soul.
*I completely understand that all birth fathers don't feel this way. I would never make a generalization like that, but I still believe we can't dismiss their feelings so easily. I also understand that there are many adoptions in which having the father in a child's life may not be ideal, but that is a completely different post for another time.
When Jackson was in the hospital, it was Matt's voice he recognized first.
The first time the doctors told us that Jackson might not live because he was so ill, it was Matt who couldn't let go, who cried to me, "I can't let go of my boy." Matt gazed into Clarissa's eyes and held her very tenderly; he cried bitterly when she passed. A father has a very deep, special connection with his children. His connection is different than mine, but it is very real.
I firmly believe that is the same with a birth father. We can't assume that just because a man fathered a child means that he's only a sperm donor (sorry if that's too blunt for some of you). We can not assume that a birth father won't grieve over placing a child for adoption; we can not assume that he doesn't feel a connection. True, his connection may be different than the mother's but it is still there.* A very insightful post I recently read by a birth father explains this connection and grief very well. I hope you will take the time to read it:
Light at the end of the tunnel and the long, dark tea time of the soul.
*I completely understand that all birth fathers don't feel this way. I would never make a generalization like that, but I still believe we can't dismiss their feelings so easily. I also understand that there are many adoptions in which having the father in a child's life may not be ideal, but that is a completely different post for another time.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Follow-Up
The response I got to the last blog post is one reason why I blog. I firmly believe that the only way to understand each other is to respectfully share differing points of view and then listen. Just from the comments I received, my eyes were opened yet again, and my understanding broadened. Let me share with you a comment from a birth father that did just that (I added the italics):
I will openly admit that I'm naive and can be narrow-minded, but not because I don't want to broaden my vision - just that my experiences are limited in some areas. I have before posted my fundamental beliefs on the family, and those will not change. However, "I am" once again reminded me the true depth of adoption and the deeper purposes, especially from the birth parents angle. His comment reminded me of the friends who I have who are trying to adopt that are "non-traditional" families. Although our convictions and religious beliefs may be different, our desires to have children and raise a family are not. I didn't mean to offend them in any way.
In the last post I mentioned how our birth parent letter felt "fluffy" and "plastic." I believe the letters are important to write for expectant parents to get to know you, but it seems like writing an advertisement or a resume soliciting for a baby -- kind of hard to get past that. Anyway. . .
Well, thanks to my fabulous friend who gave me good feedback, I have revised it. When our caseworker gets my email and hits the "publish" button, it will appear on our adoption profile. I did post it on our adoption blog, though, too. You can read it at this link. I now feel very comfortable with it, and I feel like it reflects us -- who we are. The fluff and plastic are gone.
Again, thank you all for being open and honest. . .that's who I am and what I need.
I've known many successful single parents, both men and women. I agree it is better for a child to have both parents involved directly and continuously in their lives than not. However I'd question whether that influence alone can justify an adoption decision. I'd posit the "you-can-never-go-back", oft life shattering and always world changing pain of adoption out weighs a missing parent in the context of a loving, connected, and supportive extended family. I'd suggest a different lens for how a loving God could justify allowing situations like this to occur:
that no life should ever bear the guilt and resent of another.
When push comes to shove that is why I chose adoption. I could not bear to resent my son. I had to find a way that I could love him unconditionally. I couldn't let him grow up in a home where his dad resented his life, where he knew his parents wished he'd not be born. Adoption let me and Athena completely celebrate his birth and his life. There is pain, but there is no resent nor any anger. Neither at him nor ourselves. Adoption was the only way that could happen.
I will openly admit that I'm naive and can be narrow-minded, but not because I don't want to broaden my vision - just that my experiences are limited in some areas. I have before posted my fundamental beliefs on the family, and those will not change. However, "I am" once again reminded me the true depth of adoption and the deeper purposes, especially from the birth parents angle. His comment reminded me of the friends who I have who are trying to adopt that are "non-traditional" families. Although our convictions and religious beliefs may be different, our desires to have children and raise a family are not. I didn't mean to offend them in any way.
In the last post I mentioned how our birth parent letter felt "fluffy" and "plastic." I believe the letters are important to write for expectant parents to get to know you, but it seems like writing an advertisement or a resume soliciting for a baby -- kind of hard to get past that. Anyway. . .
Well, thanks to my fabulous friend who gave me good feedback, I have revised it. When our caseworker gets my email and hits the "publish" button, it will appear on our adoption profile. I did post it on our adoption blog, though, too. You can read it at this link. I now feel very comfortable with it, and I feel like it reflects us -- who we are. The fluff and plastic are gone.
Again, thank you all for being open and honest. . .that's who I am and what I need.
Monday, July 19, 2010
The Adoption Triad: More on Birth Families
Adoption does not affect one, two, or three people. It affects families - immediate and extended - and generations. Adoption shapes the future of families.
Recently a dear friend of mine sent me an email in response to these adoption posts, and she told me about her cousins who have been faced with adoption choices. I could tell that she was affected by their decisions and the consequences (good and bad). In response to a specific situation, she told me, "My heart breaks for my aunt right now, as she watches them go through this struggle--the choices we make affect so many more than just us."
In the beginning of our adoption journey, I was told a story that floored me. A girl found out she was pregnant unexpectedly. She wanted to tell her mom, but was scared to death and prayed fervently that she would have the courage to tell her mom and that her mom would be understanding. When she finally confided in her mom, her mother's reaction shocked her. She simply asked, "Well, what do you think you're going to do?" AMAZING! What a wonderful mother!
While I still hold to my belief that children deserve and have the right to a family with a mother and a father (see this link for more information), I firmly believe that all expectant parents have the right to choose their own path and what is best for their child. This decision is not for grandmas, adoption agencies and caseworkers, or best friends even though the decision affects all of them.
Recently, I started reading a new blog, What About MY Baby?, about a recent adoption experience, but from the birth mother's mom's point of view. I love it. It captures the true love and the pain a mom experiences while watching her daughter suffer and saying good-bye to her granddaughter. I admire those families that take the unexpected "tragedies" in their lives and bond and adhere to each other more than they were before.
Another fantastic blog to read about how a mother supports her daughter throughout an unplanned pregnancy and her choice of adoption is Kelsey Stewart's blog, A Birth Mother Voice, specifically her post here. Since reading these blogs, I've begun praying for the families of the birth parents of our future child. I wish that we will each gain a family during the process. I know that I won't be able to take away the pain and loss, but I hope that we can have a relationship that feels like extended family, not just the family the adopted their baby.
Recently a dear friend of mine sent me an email in response to these adoption posts, and she told me about her cousins who have been faced with adoption choices. I could tell that she was affected by their decisions and the consequences (good and bad). In response to a specific situation, she told me, "My heart breaks for my aunt right now, as she watches them go through this struggle--the choices we make affect so many more than just us."
In the beginning of our adoption journey, I was told a story that floored me. A girl found out she was pregnant unexpectedly. She wanted to tell her mom, but was scared to death and prayed fervently that she would have the courage to tell her mom and that her mom would be understanding. When she finally confided in her mom, her mother's reaction shocked her. She simply asked, "Well, what do you think you're going to do?" AMAZING! What a wonderful mother!
While I still hold to my belief that children deserve and have the right to a family with a mother and a father (see this link for more information), I firmly believe that all expectant parents have the right to choose their own path and what is best for their child. This decision is not for grandmas, adoption agencies and caseworkers, or best friends even though the decision affects all of them.
Recently, I started reading a new blog, What About MY Baby?, about a recent adoption experience, but from the birth mother's mom's point of view. I love it. It captures the true love and the pain a mom experiences while watching her daughter suffer and saying good-bye to her granddaughter. I admire those families that take the unexpected "tragedies" in their lives and bond and adhere to each other more than they were before.
Another fantastic blog to read about how a mother supports her daughter throughout an unplanned pregnancy and her choice of adoption is Kelsey Stewart's blog, A Birth Mother Voice, specifically her post here. Since reading these blogs, I've begun praying for the families of the birth parents of our future child. I wish that we will each gain a family during the process. I know that I won't be able to take away the pain and loss, but I hope that we can have a relationship that feels like extended family, not just the family the adopted their baby.
Friday, June 25, 2010
The Adoption Triad: Birth Parents
Disclaimer: I feel very unworthy and under-qualified to write this post. I know that I will never truly understand what the birth family experiences before, during, and after placement. I have not walked that path.
During my sophomore year of high school a new girl moved into my neighborhood and school. She came to live with her grandparents. They were very sweet people and invited me to get to know her. I liked her. She was down to earth and genuine. But she was different from me. We had very different lifestyles and upbringings and even interests. She was a big-city girl, and I lived in Podunkville. She showed me a picture of a sweet little girl on her dresser and told me that it was her daughter: her daughter that she'd placed for adoption. I didn't understand when she told me that her girl still called her "Mommy Jane" (*name has been changed). I was confused. I thought something must be wrong if she still saw her daughter who wasn't her daughter any more. I asked little because I really didn't know what to say. . . if I only knew then what I know now.
I am a mother. I know what it means to love a child that grew in my womb. I know what it feels like to have that baby so close to you one day and then gone the next. I don't know what it's like to place that baby with another family knowing she will never call me "Mommy."
If you've followed my blog in the last few months, then you know how I really, truly feel about birth parents, especially birth mothers (if not, just click on the label "birthmothers" at the bottom of the page). Still, I'm going to write this from my perspective, which I know is biased as I am not a birth mother and never will be.
I mentioned before that I really had NO CLUE what I was doing when we started the adoption process. I know that I would be heavily scrutinized and criticized for my decision. Many critics would tell me that I had no right to even start out on this path and jump in with both feet. They would call that blindness; because of our experience, I call it faith. Three years ago I knew nothing about birth mothers; thus I was nervous about raising another mother's child. Would she want her child back after years of separation? Would she hunt us down and demand her child back?
When you decide to adopt, you are required to take a set of adoption workshops. Our agency, LDS Family Services provides a series of these twice a year. In our first year, before we were homestudy-approved, we attended these once a month for six months. By far, my, no our, favorite workshop was the birth-parent panel discussion. In two hours we went from debating over an open adoption (I was leaning towards it, Matt was very unsure) to embracing the idea. What happened? There were four different birth mothers on that panel discussion who had four completely different stories. One birth mother even shared her friend's experience. Her friend was promised an open adoption with pictures, emails, and visits. After the placement of her child, the adoptive parents changed their minds and ended contact. Her heart was shattered and her faith in adoption was gone. Since that panel discussion, we've never questioned an open adoption, and we resolved to always keep our promises.
When I finally decided to look beyond myself, I began with reading blogs from birth mothers. At first I was reading the same type of birth mother blog, it seemed. It didn't really matter in the beginning because I learned what I needed to at that point -- adoption isn't just about my family. It never will be. Adoption is more than just "Love." Adoption is heart-break, pain, loss, crushing, etc. You get the idea. I only saw adoption from my side for a long time - I was looking for my happily ever after, and so to read heart-breaking accounts of adoption was eye-opening. (FYI, a very good blog to read all of these stories is Matters of the Heart. Karine has collected many birth mother stories.)
I can not even begin to tell you what emotions a birth mother experiences (because I am not one). What is GAIN for adoptive parents means LOSS for the birth family. Remember the old adage, "you can't get something from nothing"? It comes from somewhere, in adoption, from someone. Where adoptive couples usually have a whole support team (I think of the Verizon Wireless commercials) following them around and cheering them on (with a few dissenters among their midst who really just don't understand), birth mothers don't always have that. Their following could be one person, no one, or even a group of family and a few friends. Possibly, they could have a anti-support team. A team composed of people telling them that the choices they are making/have made are wrong. If they do have a large support team, they may not see it because adoption is such a personal journey.
Expectant parents who were not "expecting" to be parents have several options: parenting, adoption, abortion. My personal opinion and belief is based upon this statement taken from The Family: A Proclamation to the World: "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." However, it is NOT my decision, and the greatest gift that our Father in Heaven gave us, the gift that our existence on this earth was based upon was the gift of agency: the ability to choose. Can I deny that gift to someone else? No. Should an expectant mother have that right taken from her from her parents, an adoption agency, society? No. She has the right to choose. Do I have the right to judge her for her decisions? NEVER. Only two have that right: she does and Jesus Christ.
(Wow, this post is getting long. . .)
One of the main reasons I love LDS Family Services is that they encourage expectant parents to research all their options. They do not advocate abortion, and neither do I. (But it's not my right to judge a woman for her decision. In fact, I'm very anti-abortion; of course, that comes from having two preemies and a miscarriage at thirteen weeks and being able to see perfectly formed bodies at those very early stage of life. But that is my experience. . .)
They do, however, encourage the parents to make their own decisions. You don't believe me? Let me give you an example. My caseworker told me that she was recently working with a young expectant mother who when she read the LDS First Presidency's letter about adoption, cried, "But this feels like I have no choice, that I have to choose adoption." (Personally, I understand where she is coming from. We believe that you should follow the Prophet and do as he counsels, for he is the Lord's mouthpiece on this earth.) My caseworker responded, "You do have a choice. You always have your agency. You can choose to parent your child or to place the child for adoption. We only ask that you research and pray about all of your options." Some would probably argue that this is still coercion, but I do know that my caseworker has said that they will not force a mother to place for adoption. If she chooses to parent, they will give her tools and resources to do that. (For this girl marriage was not an option, she was too young.)
When an expectant mother chooses adoption, she has the option to pick out the adoptive family. This is where/when adoptive couples feel powerless. Even after all the networking I have done, it still comes down to an expectant mother's choice. She chooses us. (I still believe that we as adoptive parents have power in our words, i.e. birth parent letter, adoption websites, etc., but that's another post.) Basically, she chooses what she believes is the best option for her child, and I absolutely agree. A mother has every right to do what is best for HER child. Yes, her child. Even if she chooses adoption, she has the right to change her mind until she signs the relinquishment papers. My dear friend Meghan, an adoptive mom, said it best:
One day, I will be a mother to another mother's child. I firmly believe that once she has placed her child with the adoptive couple, it is still HER child. For those of you who have been pregnant and given birth, I know you can feel what this means. Once you have borne a child, that child will forever have a place in your heart. That child forever has you with him/her, too. You are a part of each other. I would never take that from her. This is one reason why I choose open adoption. The child and mother are a part of each other. They need each other.
Adoption is life-long, eternal even. A birth mother has a gaping wound (one I can partially understand); one that will hopefully heal, though she will forever have a scar. She may not regret her decision to place her child for adoption, but she will always feel it. Once you have given your heart, you miss it. I truly hope that as an adoptive mother to another mother's child that I can be in her support team - that I won't throw her to the curb. I want to help her heal. I love her, and I don't even know her yet.
If I could go back in time to when I was 15, I would. I would take "Jane" in my arms and hug her tightly. I would tell her that she was strong, brave, courageous, and that I admired her decision. I would be a better friend; I would listen; I would ask about her daughter. I would be in her support team. I would know how to love her.
During my sophomore year of high school a new girl moved into my neighborhood and school. She came to live with her grandparents. They were very sweet people and invited me to get to know her. I liked her. She was down to earth and genuine. But she was different from me. We had very different lifestyles and upbringings and even interests. She was a big-city girl, and I lived in Podunkville. She showed me a picture of a sweet little girl on her dresser and told me that it was her daughter: her daughter that she'd placed for adoption. I didn't understand when she told me that her girl still called her "Mommy Jane" (*name has been changed). I was confused. I thought something must be wrong if she still saw her daughter who wasn't her daughter any more. I asked little because I really didn't know what to say. . . if I only knew then what I know now.
I am a mother. I know what it means to love a child that grew in my womb. I know what it feels like to have that baby so close to you one day and then gone the next. I don't know what it's like to place that baby with another family knowing she will never call me "Mommy."
If you've followed my blog in the last few months, then you know how I really, truly feel about birth parents, especially birth mothers (if not, just click on the label "birthmothers" at the bottom of the page). Still, I'm going to write this from my perspective, which I know is biased as I am not a birth mother and never will be.
I mentioned before that I really had NO CLUE what I was doing when we started the adoption process. I know that I would be heavily scrutinized and criticized for my decision. Many critics would tell me that I had no right to even start out on this path and jump in with both feet. They would call that blindness; because of our experience, I call it faith. Three years ago I knew nothing about birth mothers; thus I was nervous about raising another mother's child. Would she want her child back after years of separation? Would she hunt us down and demand her child back?
When you decide to adopt, you are required to take a set of adoption workshops. Our agency, LDS Family Services provides a series of these twice a year. In our first year, before we were homestudy-approved, we attended these once a month for six months. By far, my, no our, favorite workshop was the birth-parent panel discussion. In two hours we went from debating over an open adoption (I was leaning towards it, Matt was very unsure) to embracing the idea. What happened? There were four different birth mothers on that panel discussion who had four completely different stories. One birth mother even shared her friend's experience. Her friend was promised an open adoption with pictures, emails, and visits. After the placement of her child, the adoptive parents changed their minds and ended contact. Her heart was shattered and her faith in adoption was gone. Since that panel discussion, we've never questioned an open adoption, and we resolved to always keep our promises.
When I finally decided to look beyond myself, I began with reading blogs from birth mothers. At first I was reading the same type of birth mother blog, it seemed. It didn't really matter in the beginning because I learned what I needed to at that point -- adoption isn't just about my family. It never will be. Adoption is more than just "Love." Adoption is heart-break, pain, loss, crushing, etc. You get the idea. I only saw adoption from my side for a long time - I was looking for my happily ever after, and so to read heart-breaking accounts of adoption was eye-opening. (FYI, a very good blog to read all of these stories is Matters of the Heart. Karine has collected many birth mother stories.)
I can not even begin to tell you what emotions a birth mother experiences (because I am not one). What is GAIN for adoptive parents means LOSS for the birth family. Remember the old adage, "you can't get something from nothing"? It comes from somewhere, in adoption, from someone. Where adoptive couples usually have a whole support team (I think of the Verizon Wireless commercials) following them around and cheering them on (with a few dissenters among their midst who really just don't understand), birth mothers don't always have that. Their following could be one person, no one, or even a group of family and a few friends. Possibly, they could have a anti-support team. A team composed of people telling them that the choices they are making/have made are wrong. If they do have a large support team, they may not see it because adoption is such a personal journey.
Expectant parents who were not "expecting" to be parents have several options: parenting, adoption, abortion. My personal opinion and belief is based upon this statement taken from The Family: A Proclamation to the World: "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." However, it is NOT my decision, and the greatest gift that our Father in Heaven gave us, the gift that our existence on this earth was based upon was the gift of agency: the ability to choose. Can I deny that gift to someone else? No. Should an expectant mother have that right taken from her from her parents, an adoption agency, society? No. She has the right to choose. Do I have the right to judge her for her decisions? NEVER. Only two have that right: she does and Jesus Christ.
(Wow, this post is getting long. . .)
One of the main reasons I love LDS Family Services is that they encourage expectant parents to research all their options. They do not advocate abortion, and neither do I. (But it's not my right to judge a woman for her decision. In fact, I'm very anti-abortion; of course, that comes from having two preemies and a miscarriage at thirteen weeks and being able to see perfectly formed bodies at those very early stage of life. But that is my experience. . .)
They do, however, encourage the parents to make their own decisions. You don't believe me? Let me give you an example. My caseworker told me that she was recently working with a young expectant mother who when she read the LDS First Presidency's letter about adoption, cried, "But this feels like I have no choice, that I have to choose adoption." (Personally, I understand where she is coming from. We believe that you should follow the Prophet and do as he counsels, for he is the Lord's mouthpiece on this earth.) My caseworker responded, "You do have a choice. You always have your agency. You can choose to parent your child or to place the child for adoption. We only ask that you research and pray about all of your options." Some would probably argue that this is still coercion, but I do know that my caseworker has said that they will not force a mother to place for adoption. If she chooses to parent, they will give her tools and resources to do that. (For this girl marriage was not an option, she was too young.)
When an expectant mother chooses adoption, she has the option to pick out the adoptive family. This is where/when adoptive couples feel powerless. Even after all the networking I have done, it still comes down to an expectant mother's choice. She chooses us. (I still believe that we as adoptive parents have power in our words, i.e. birth parent letter, adoption websites, etc., but that's another post.) Basically, she chooses what she believes is the best option for her child, and I absolutely agree. A mother has every right to do what is best for HER child. Yes, her child. Even if she chooses adoption, she has the right to change her mind until she signs the relinquishment papers. My dear friend Meghan, an adoptive mom, said it best:
We all as prospective adoptive parents would benefit from realizing that no matter what the expectant mom might think before birth, the real decision happens after she sees her baby. I'm just saying because I think that's were a problem lies in potential adoptive parents being coercive. We have to be very careful not to overstep our bounds and think that any pregnant woman considering adoption owes us something. She doesn't. She only owes it to her self and her baby to make the right decision for her.
We could help ourselves out a lot if we didn't assume we were going to be the ones parenting the child possibly being placed for adoption. Not saying we shouldn't put our hearts into it because that's impossible to do, but we should assume the expectant mom will parent instead of place. Its the most logical to think or expect. And I think it would help our process more, by being prepared for that outcome. . . that's the chance we take when we are adopting, someone will get hurt in the end and why shouldn't we expect it will be us. The expectant moms considering adoption shouldn't always be the ones to get hurt so we won't be disappointed.(Okay, is this officially a novel now? Looong!)
One day, I will be a mother to another mother's child. I firmly believe that once she has placed her child with the adoptive couple, it is still HER child. For those of you who have been pregnant and given birth, I know you can feel what this means. Once you have borne a child, that child will forever have a place in your heart. That child forever has you with him/her, too. You are a part of each other. I would never take that from her. This is one reason why I choose open adoption. The child and mother are a part of each other. They need each other.
Adoption is life-long, eternal even. A birth mother has a gaping wound (one I can partially understand); one that will hopefully heal, though she will forever have a scar. She may not regret her decision to place her child for adoption, but she will always feel it. Once you have given your heart, you miss it. I truly hope that as an adoptive mother to another mother's child that I can be in her support team - that I won't throw her to the curb. I want to help her heal. I love her, and I don't even know her yet.
If I could go back in time to when I was 15, I would. I would take "Jane" in my arms and hug her tightly. I would tell her that she was strong, brave, courageous, and that I admired her decision. I would be a better friend; I would listen; I would ask about her daughter. I would be in her support team. I would know how to love her.
Monday, June 21, 2010
The Triad: Adoptive Parents
(If you missed the introductory post in the series, here's a link to go read it: Adoption Triad.)
This series is going to be harder to post and keep short than I thought. It is full of my own personal opinions. Feel free to agree or disagree with as much or as little as you like.
Oh, well, here I go.
I decided that the first post I should write should be on what I know best, the adoptive parents because that is where I will be on the adoption triad. (Right now I'm just a hopeful adoptive parent, trying to form my triad.) I understand this may sound biased because I'm speaking from my point of view.
Before branching out and researching all sides of adoption, I only heard a handful of negative views of adoption, not enough to worry me or open my eyes. I was clueless. If you remember, in one of my past posts I talked about how I never thought I would ever want to adopt. I didn't think I would ever be here on this path, thus I never really looked into adoption or asked about it; I didn't get to know to the families that had traveled that road although I saw them every week at church, nor did I try to understand my high school friend who was a birth mother. (That whole idea was a foreign concept to me, but I need to keep that to the birth mother post.)
Perhaps you aren't aware, but there is a ginormous adoption community - just online, and I know I've only scratched the surface with my research. When I began reading what other members of the adoption triad thought about my branch, I was shocked. Shocked awake. Let me ask you some questions.
I admit it. When I first headed down the adoption path, I was only thinking of my own family. We had decided that adoption was the way to build our family; we needed adoption to find our baby. It was for us. We were going to save a baby from a horrible situation because we were obviously a wonderful family. Who wouldn't want their baby to be placed with us? We would be the answer to someone's prayers who couldn't do better than us. . . (Disgusted, yet?)
Of course, I'm exaggerating a little bit, but when I think back to three and a half years ago when we decided to adopt, I can't help but thinking that perhaps I was thinking those things. Why did we decide to adopt? Oh, yes, I was told to not get pregnant again after having Clarissa. I would never have even considered adoption until then. But there's more. . . I remember, we fasted, prayed, and went to the temple, and the Lord told us that we were to head down this path. I was so scared at that time, I knew very little about adoption, and unfortunately most of it was based on opinions that were originally not my own. I knew it was a way for couples who couldn't have children to build their families, and that our church advocates it. I'm not one to question an answer to prayer, so we took a huge leap of faith and found out what we could about getting approved for adoption.
I can honestly admit to myself that I fell into the "Blind Hopeful Adoptive Parents" category. It's true, as an adoptive parent, I have something uplifting to anticipate; my adoption journey is based on joy, hope and faith. (Lots of faith, remember this post?) I have been blind, naive, and selfish. Yes, I was immature in my adoption. I know now so much more than I ever did three years ago, and for that knowledge I'm grateful.
Adoptive parents can have a big advantage in the adoption realm. Many times they have a big support team following them: family, friends, an agency, a caseworker, the law, etc. They also hold a lot of power. They make promises and say sweet things to encourage expectant moms to choose them as parents. Essentially, they are making a resume - applying for a job, emphasizing their talents and family skills. Adoptive parents have to make themselves look good. (Some would say that adoptive parents entice and coerce birth parents to place their child with the couple.)
An adoptive couple's power does not stop after placement. In fact, they are the ones that can end contact and break promises still with the law on their side. The new family decides what to tell the child and when and how.
I feel like I've written ugly stuff about adoptive parents, but now I want to show you what I've seen. Adoptive parents do have a large support team, and hopefully that team will be there to support the adoption during the child's entire life, and the birth family. I really, truly hope that one day that my child will feel like he/she has two families that love him/her more than anything and that the two families are more like one because they love each other. I've seen it happen, at least when it comes to in-laws. I know this is possible.
While there are adoptive parents who resemble vultures more than they do human beings, I have to say that most adoptive parents are some of the most loving people. Their hearts have been broken and ache for something they can't have, and so they wear their hearts on their sleeves and soak in any and all information about birth parents and their stories. For this reason, they are easy targets for emotional scammers. They want to let anyone in and prove that they are open.
Another quality that I love that I've experience personally is the fierce loyalty they share with one another. Adoptive parents rally around each other and support each other. I truly feel like I have a whole support team just of other adoptive parents. Seriously, I think there's a club. . .The thing is, though, that the club is NOT exclusive. Anyone in the triad is welcome, and we welcome anybody who's in the big, web thingy. Like I said, we soak up any and all information and experience.
(Again, I know that I am not describing everybody. I know that there are adoptive parents who have made horrible mistakes and who have made the adoption experience nightmarish for birth mothers and their adopted children alike. No two adoption stories are the same.)
While adoptive parents can break an adoption, they can also MAKE an adoption. I know some of the kindest, most caring families in the world, who instead of just gaining a child, welcomed a whole new family into their own. The birth family and the adoptive family love each other and support each other. (I've heard of these experiences from children who were adopted, birth mothers, and adoptive parents.)
Now, why do adoptive parents break their promises to have an open adoption? Why do they not send pictures or refuse phone calls and visits? In some cases, according to my caseworker, it's because the adoptive parents feel that the choices of the birth mother are inappropriate and not safe for the child to be around (i.e. using drugs). Sometimes, it's a lack of communication. In other cases, I firmly believe it is out of fear. Fear that they will overwhelm the birth mother; fear that the baby will bond more with the birth mother than with the adoptive mother; fear that the birth mother will want her baby back; fear that the baby will love the birth mother more. Personally I think that fear comes from lack of understanding. After all, knowledge is power. When you learn something, when you know it, you know what to expect, how to avoid things, or what is possible. Adoptive parents need to make sure they are educated in adoption, then they will be better equipped to handle the unexpected.
Yes, I am nervous about adoption as it will be a new experience, but I'm not scared anymore. I'm excited. Although it's hard to say that I've been waiting for three years to adopt, I can say that I am better for it. I will be a different parent to an adopted child now than I would have 3 years ago, even one year ago, because I have read so many different stories, opinions, and advice about adoption. I have opened my eyes to the hard things, the controversial pieces, and learned accept them and change my thinking and understanding. My eyes are open.
I no longer feel that I am going to be chosen as an adoptive parent because I am the only one that can love or care for a child. I do not think I am better than a birth mother, nor do I think that I will have more love that my child's first mother (because that's absurd).
I know that my view is limited because it is mine. I hope and welcome any and all comments that you have -- whether you agree or disagree -- that's the only way to learn and grow is to listen to what others have to say. If you have questions, ask them. Do you have a positive or negative experience to share? Do you need to enlighten me on something that I apparently don't know? You will not offend me. The only thing I ask is to be polite and respectful.
This series is going to be harder to post and keep short than I thought. It is full of my own personal opinions. Feel free to agree or disagree with as much or as little as you like.
Oh, well, here I go.
I decided that the first post I should write should be on what I know best, the adoptive parents because that is where I will be on the adoption triad. (Right now I'm just a hopeful adoptive parent, trying to form my triad.) I understand this may sound biased because I'm speaking from my point of view.
Before branching out and researching all sides of adoption, I only heard a handful of negative views of adoption, not enough to worry me or open my eyes. I was clueless. If you remember, in one of my past posts I talked about how I never thought I would ever want to adopt. I didn't think I would ever be here on this path, thus I never really looked into adoption or asked about it; I didn't get to know to the families that had traveled that road although I saw them every week at church, nor did I try to understand my high school friend who was a birth mother. (That whole idea was a foreign concept to me, but I need to keep that to the birth mother post.)
Perhaps you aren't aware, but there is a ginormous adoption community - just online, and I know I've only scratched the surface with my research. When I began reading what other members of the adoption triad thought about my branch, I was shocked. Shocked awake. Let me ask you some questions.
- When you hear happy adoption stories, from whom do you hear them mostly? That's right. The families who have adopted, the ones who are so happy to finally have that child for whom they've waited and prayed. They are the ones that feel "complete." (I realize that I'm over-generalizing here. . .)
- Why are most couples led to adoption? Infertility or something similar like my situation.
- What do you hear hopeful adoptive parents say over and over? "We're searching for our miracle." "Adoption is a gift." "Adoption is Love." Those things sound okay, right? Well, apparently they don't to everyone.
- What do adoptive couples hope for? A happily ever after. According to many in the adoption world, adoptive couples are selfish and clueless, tainted by their desire, their insatiable craving, to take another mother's child. Hard to hear? Yes, but crucial to changing my thinking and understanding of adoption.
I admit it. When I first headed down the adoption path, I was only thinking of my own family. We had decided that adoption was the way to build our family; we needed adoption to find our baby. It was for us. We were going to save a baby from a horrible situation because we were obviously a wonderful family. Who wouldn't want their baby to be placed with us? We would be the answer to someone's prayers who couldn't do better than us. . . (Disgusted, yet?)
Of course, I'm exaggerating a little bit, but when I think back to three and a half years ago when we decided to adopt, I can't help but thinking that perhaps I was thinking those things. Why did we decide to adopt? Oh, yes, I was told to not get pregnant again after having Clarissa. I would never have even considered adoption until then. But there's more. . . I remember, we fasted, prayed, and went to the temple, and the Lord told us that we were to head down this path. I was so scared at that time, I knew very little about adoption, and unfortunately most of it was based on opinions that were originally not my own. I knew it was a way for couples who couldn't have children to build their families, and that our church advocates it. I'm not one to question an answer to prayer, so we took a huge leap of faith and found out what we could about getting approved for adoption.
I can honestly admit to myself that I fell into the "Blind Hopeful Adoptive Parents" category. It's true, as an adoptive parent, I have something uplifting to anticipate; my adoption journey is based on joy, hope and faith. (Lots of faith, remember this post?) I have been blind, naive, and selfish. Yes, I was immature in my adoption. I know now so much more than I ever did three years ago, and for that knowledge I'm grateful.
Adoptive parents can have a big advantage in the adoption realm. Many times they have a big support team following them: family, friends, an agency, a caseworker, the law, etc. They also hold a lot of power. They make promises and say sweet things to encourage expectant moms to choose them as parents. Essentially, they are making a resume - applying for a job, emphasizing their talents and family skills. Adoptive parents have to make themselves look good. (Some would say that adoptive parents entice and coerce birth parents to place their child with the couple.)
An adoptive couple's power does not stop after placement. In fact, they are the ones that can end contact and break promises still with the law on their side. The new family decides what to tell the child and when and how.
I feel like I've written ugly stuff about adoptive parents, but now I want to show you what I've seen. Adoptive parents do have a large support team, and hopefully that team will be there to support the adoption during the child's entire life, and the birth family. I really, truly hope that one day that my child will feel like he/she has two families that love him/her more than anything and that the two families are more like one because they love each other. I've seen it happen, at least when it comes to in-laws. I know this is possible.
While there are adoptive parents who resemble vultures more than they do human beings, I have to say that most adoptive parents are some of the most loving people. Their hearts have been broken and ache for something they can't have, and so they wear their hearts on their sleeves and soak in any and all information about birth parents and their stories. For this reason, they are easy targets for emotional scammers. They want to let anyone in and prove that they are open.
Another quality that I love that I've experience personally is the fierce loyalty they share with one another. Adoptive parents rally around each other and support each other. I truly feel like I have a whole support team just of other adoptive parents. Seriously, I think there's a club. . .The thing is, though, that the club is NOT exclusive. Anyone in the triad is welcome, and we welcome anybody who's in the big, web thingy. Like I said, we soak up any and all information and experience.
(Again, I know that I am not describing everybody. I know that there are adoptive parents who have made horrible mistakes and who have made the adoption experience nightmarish for birth mothers and their adopted children alike. No two adoption stories are the same.)
While adoptive parents can break an adoption, they can also MAKE an adoption. I know some of the kindest, most caring families in the world, who instead of just gaining a child, welcomed a whole new family into their own. The birth family and the adoptive family love each other and support each other. (I've heard of these experiences from children who were adopted, birth mothers, and adoptive parents.)
Now, why do adoptive parents break their promises to have an open adoption? Why do they not send pictures or refuse phone calls and visits? In some cases, according to my caseworker, it's because the adoptive parents feel that the choices of the birth mother are inappropriate and not safe for the child to be around (i.e. using drugs). Sometimes, it's a lack of communication. In other cases, I firmly believe it is out of fear. Fear that they will overwhelm the birth mother; fear that the baby will bond more with the birth mother than with the adoptive mother; fear that the birth mother will want her baby back; fear that the baby will love the birth mother more. Personally I think that fear comes from lack of understanding. After all, knowledge is power. When you learn something, when you know it, you know what to expect, how to avoid things, or what is possible. Adoptive parents need to make sure they are educated in adoption, then they will be better equipped to handle the unexpected.
Yes, I am nervous about adoption as it will be a new experience, but I'm not scared anymore. I'm excited. Although it's hard to say that I've been waiting for three years to adopt, I can say that I am better for it. I will be a different parent to an adopted child now than I would have 3 years ago, even one year ago, because I have read so many different stories, opinions, and advice about adoption. I have opened my eyes to the hard things, the controversial pieces, and learned accept them and change my thinking and understanding. My eyes are open.
I no longer feel that I am going to be chosen as an adoptive parent because I am the only one that can love or care for a child. I do not think I am better than a birth mother, nor do I think that I will have more love that my child's first mother (because that's absurd).
I know that my view is limited because it is mine. I hope and welcome any and all comments that you have -- whether you agree or disagree -- that's the only way to learn and grow is to listen to what others have to say. If you have questions, ask them. Do you have a positive or negative experience to share? Do you need to enlighten me on something that I apparently don't know? You will not offend me. The only thing I ask is to be polite and respectful.
Monday, June 14, 2010
The Adoption Triad
Over the last six months I've really been studying adoption. I started with reading about adoption from a birth mother's perspective. Within a few short months, I was immersed and reading every blog I could. I was nervous about branching out, but it has been the best thing for me.
Before I started researching, I hadn't ever thought about this subject, but now it's all I do think about, and it seems obvious to me. The Adoption Triad is made up of essentially three people (think of it like a triangle): Adoptive parent, Birth Parent, Adoptee. As I've read more though, the triad has become more of a weird looking web-thing. Imagine for a moment if you will, on the adoptive parents' side connected to them on different branches are their agency, caseworkers, extended family, bio-family (if you're like us then bio-children), friends, etc. The Birth Parents is more like a branch in two different paths: Birth Mother/Birth Father. On each of their branches, they have their family and friends. Now, who would you expect to be connected to the Adoptee that is not already connected to him/her through the others? Think about it for a minute. . .
(I'm going to leave you thinking about that for a bit, but I will address it in a later post.)
Now you see what I mean. . . the adoption triad starts out looking like a triangle up close, but as you zoom out, you see a strange looking tree with branches going everywhere. Or maybe it's a web. . . not sure. The interesting thing is that one side of the web/branch/triad thingy seems to have all of the power to make or break an adoption experience for everyone involved, and it's a little disconcerting. I wonder if you think it's the same branch that I do.
What are your thoughts?
I feel like I'm starting a lecture series called, "LeMira's Adoption Thoughts," but I do want to post about each member of the triad and what I've learned. I can't really do it in one post, it'd be super long and probably super boring.
Before I started researching, I hadn't ever thought about this subject, but now it's all I do think about, and it seems obvious to me. The Adoption Triad is made up of essentially three people (think of it like a triangle): Adoptive parent, Birth Parent, Adoptee. As I've read more though, the triad has become more of a weird looking web-thing. Imagine for a moment if you will, on the adoptive parents' side connected to them on different branches are their agency, caseworkers, extended family, bio-family (if you're like us then bio-children), friends, etc. The Birth Parents is more like a branch in two different paths: Birth Mother/Birth Father. On each of their branches, they have their family and friends. Now, who would you expect to be connected to the Adoptee that is not already connected to him/her through the others? Think about it for a minute. . .
(I'm going to leave you thinking about that for a bit, but I will address it in a later post.)
Now you see what I mean. . . the adoption triad starts out looking like a triangle up close, but as you zoom out, you see a strange looking tree with branches going everywhere. Or maybe it's a web. . . not sure. The interesting thing is that one side of the web/branch/triad thingy seems to have all of the power to make or break an adoption experience for everyone involved, and it's a little disconcerting. I wonder if you think it's the same branch that I do.
What are your thoughts?
I feel like I'm starting a lecture series called, "LeMira's Adoption Thoughts," but I do want to post about each member of the triad and what I've learned. I can't really do it in one post, it'd be super long and probably super boring.
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