The Answer to a Prayer

After listening to President Thomas S. Monson's talk today about blessings and being an answer to prayers, I feel that it's time that I finally publish this blog post that I started writing a very long time ago.

Two and a half years ago, I was finally taking big strides in networking for adoption.  I was reading everything I could about birth mothers.  I'm not sure how many blogs I read, but it was many.  I joined a site, and I began meeting and chatting with different people.   


That month, April, I had gone to my parents for spring break, which is pretty traditional for me.  My family has always been very faithful at saying prayers together at night and in the morning every day.  Years ago, when I was still young and living at home, we received counsel from our prophet that we should pray for a missionary experience.  For some reason, I haven't been good about that since I've moved from home, but when I was visiting that week, one night, I was asked to give the evening prayer.  I don't remember everything else that I prayed for, but I do remember specifically feeling the need to pray for a missionary experience, and so I did. (That is what I call a prompting from the Holy Ghost.)  I finished out the week with my parents and went home.

Throughout that month, I had been talking to my adoption friend (that I mention at the very end of "the Long Road" post) about this analogy.  I had spent several nights pondering the analogy, and finally, one night, I was compelled to get up and write it (and that is what I call another prompting of the Holy Ghost). I never felt something so strong.  I wrote the post "The Long Road."  (If you haven't read it, go ahead and read it now as it really sets the tone for this post.)  I decided to post it as well to the adoption social networking site I belonged to at the time.

In that post, I talk about a birth mother in a car, pulling over and talking to me.  Now, as I look back, I feel strongly that the birth mother that I talk about is the woman to whom I am reintroducing you today, but I didn't it know it then.

I met many women on Adoption Voices that have shaped my adoption journey and my opinions, but if you'd told me two years ago that I'd meet a sister there, I would have assumed that you'd mean the mother of our future child.  Two years ago, I introduced you to some birth mothers that I admire in the post:  Women Who Have Helped Me See.  Michelle read my "Long Road" post and left a comment that it was the most life-changing post she'd read.  She connected with that post.

That summer, 2010, I began a relationship with Michelle.  It began online in a group chat, progressed to Facebook, and then we began talking on the phone.  I think I was just as scared to dial her phone number for the first time as I was to call Matt on the phone just to hear his voice (before we were dating).  Just so you know, I never joined Adoption Voices or started talking to Michelle because I prayed for a missionary experience.  I wasn't looking to build a relationship so I could find someone to baptize, just so you know.  It was only after a certain turn of events that I remembered that prayer and the timing of everything.

Michelle and I talked about everything.  It was mainly all about adoption for a long time because that was our connection, but it turned to motherhood, and religion.  She would come to me with questions, and she shared with me that she had been baptized into the LDS church when she was young, and she had a lot of questions.  I shared the simple truths that I understood with her.  In the fall of 2010, I felt strongly to send her a Book of Mormon and my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Her husband even accepted our relationship because, well, I won him over with my gifts. . . okay, no, but I attribute that to a lot of prayer.

She shared her concern that while she wanted to go back to church, she wasn't sure that she could do it without her husband's blessing.  She did not want to tear her marriage apart, as adoption had already done that.  I began praying strongly for her and for her husband.  I had never met them, but I began to love them immensely.  We talked several times a week.  I pray specifically for her husband to soften his heart, knowing that the Lord can truly change a person.

Fast forward a year:  Fall 2011.  Michelle decides she's going back to church no matter what (her re-conversion story is pretty amazing; I'm only sharing my side of things).  She visits the local bishop and shares what he said to her with her husband.  His response floors her (and me) when he asks, "Well, who's going to teach me?"  I kid you not when I tell you that I about fainted when Michelle relayed this to me.  I cried and cried and cried.  Michelle and her family started going to church.


November 2011:  Her husband decides he wants to be baptized.  I tell Matt that at any cost, we are going to drive the 11 hours to support them.  Matt doesn't even hesitate when he agrees that we need to be there.  While they've never met, Perry asks Matt to baptize and confirm him a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Matt is humbled.

December 2011:  We drive down to Mesa to finally meet our friends and support them in this big decision and change for their family. We decided to drive through Las Vegas and show Jackson the Hoover Dam.  They have this new bridge that is just amazing to walk across.  When I was little, you actually drove across the dam.

Don't worry, we hung on tightly to the boys so they wouldn't go over the edge. 

(Can you believe that Cole was so tiny?!)

Standing in two states at the same time:  Arizona and Nevada.

When we pulled into their neighborhood, I couldn't see the numbers on the buildings to find their house.  Michelle came out to the corner to wait for us.  I had seen many pictures of her, but I couldn't believe my eyes when I finally spotted her.  (She's the reason size 0 exists!)  
We got to their house in the late afternoon/evening on Friday, and we just enjoyed visiting with the family and the missionaries.  I kept hugging her just reaffirm that she was a real, living breathing soul.  She threatened us all with licks!

Saturday was the big day for Michelle and Perry!  Our emotions were all on the surface.  As I led the music for the service, I cried while singing "Come Thou Font of Every Blessing" and "I Know That My Redeemer Lives."  The spirit was strong.

And I finally got to meet Megan -- Michelle's other spiritual guidance counselor.  ;)

On Saturday evening, we went to their ward party and then went to see the "temple lights" at the Mesa Temple.  While there, Tyler told me that he wished he had a grandma like me because I bought them apple cider and donuts.  Ha!  I told him I could be his aunt instead.

On Sunday evening, as we sat around the fire talking about the weekend and our feelings and answering church questions, Michelle handed me a bag.  In the bag, was a card and this gift:

As I read the letter, I bawled and bawled.

I believe that there are people meant to be in our lives at specific times.  I also believe that there are people we are supposed to meet to know for the rest of our lives.  I have several of those friends, and Michelle is one of those people.

That night we all got licks -- yes, she even surprised Matt. 

Michelle's side of the story is different, but as I sit and thought about how joining a crazy adoption networking site (it was crazy), writing a blog post, and saying one little prayer, I realize that the Lord knows what He's doing.  I adore Michelle's family.  We are from completely different worlds, and yet the Lord knew how to bring us together.  We're certain that we swore a pact to find each other, and since we were worlds away, the Lord put us together.

Michelle will tell you that I changed her life.  I will tell you that she's changed mine and continues to influence it every day.  The faith, the strength, the courage, and will for her family to change has set an example to me.  I'm grateful that the Lord prompted me to pray for a missionary experience. I am glad that I was reunited with my sister.

Birth Mom

My adoption friends are probably out there wondering why I haven't mentioned Cole's birth mom really at all on my blog.  I, who advocated so strongly for birth parents and open adoption, have hardly written anything about a relationship or connection there.  I haven't even mentioned his adoption story yet.

"Why?" You ask.  This seems so hypocritical, or for others out there, this seems so typical of adoptive parents.

It is so difficult to write a lot about Cole's story because it isn't mine to tell.  It's his.  It's hers.  A part of it is mine, and that part I will share.  His birth mother's story, however, is hers to tell if she ever wants to share it.  I respect her so much that it is hard to write a lot about her on my blog, such a public place.  She is a private person, and I respect that.

I often think of Mary, the mother of Jesus, in the Bible reference, "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart."  (Luke 2:19)  I have been doing a lot of "pondering."  So much of the story is so spiritual that to put it here on a blog seems to demean it a bit.

I will tell you, though, that we have met Cole's birth mother.  I'm still getting to know her, and somehow I feel profound love for her.  For every day for the rest of my life I will carry a piece of her with me.   I think about her every day.  It sounds outrageous and cliche, but it is very true. 

All of the years of waiting and researching and learning about adoption helped me.  Many of my birth parent friends gave advice, many without knowing they gave advice and many knowing they were, long before Cole was born.  I was not afraid to meet her (we didn't meet until just a couple of days ago).  I was not afraid of her relationship with Cole; in fact, I felt very honored to witness some tender moments. Sometimes, I even felt a little like I should turn away because I didn't want to interrupt her time with him.  I was glad of a friend who had mentioned how important "alone time" is between a birth parent and his/her baby.  I wanted her to have that, if she wanted it, which she did.  I never felt threatened.  Thank you for those of you who taught me not to fear.

I did have worries, however, they weren't for me.  I worried for her.  I hated telling her that we had to leave to get Matt back to work.  I hated telling her that we had to take him again.  I hurt seeing the pain in her eyes because of adoption.  I worry how she will blame herself and feel guilty.  I know this is normal grieving, but I know how painful grief can be, and I pray for her.

So, I hope you will forgive me that I don't spend a lot of time writing about her.  I deem our relationship dear and sacred.  We communicate quite frequently, and I'm happy about that.  It's a new relationship for both of us, and it's growing.  She's not "the other woman" that we don't talk about.  Jackson knows who she is, and he warmed up to her quickly.  If you know Jackson well, you understand this.  Let's just say the best picture I have of her is the one that Jackson took right up in her face.  (Haha, sorry about that!)  He respects her as well. 

We love her, and we want the very best for her.

On the Adoption Side

Want to read a positive adoption article or learn more about LDS Family Services? Read the article below.

Couples find peace, through adoption agencies

I only wish our wait had only been a year, or even three. . .

The Adoption Triad: Women Who Have Helped Me See

When you think of the expectant mothers who choose adoption, what age do you think most of them are?  If you think the way I used to, then you probably thought teenager - meaning high school age girls.  Well, most of the birth mothers I meet were not teenagers when they placed their children; they were college age or older.  I'm not saying that there aren't teenagers who choose adoption, but just that I haven't met very many.  Most of these mothers are women. 


In my last post about birth parents, I mentioned that when I started reading birth mothers' stories, I found I was reading the same type of story (mostly birth mothers who placed through LDS Family Services).  It didn't take long to realize to that every birth mother has a unique story with a unique experience.  I'm not even sure how I stumbled across these two blogs, but when I read them, I saw adoption differently.

I would like to introduce you to these two women whom I have come to love - my two FAVES!  Both women have placed children for adoption. I believe that they are two of the most courageous women I know and not just for the reason you may be thinking.  They both have very different stories, but they are both birth mothers that have given pieces of their hearts to someone else.  They both write about the hard-to-hear parts of adoption.  I devour each and every one of their posts, and I usually comment on them.  I'm an open blog-stalker, and they know it.

Meet Kelsey Stewart from the Birth Mother Voice.

Kelsey is the author and illustrator of the children's book, The Best for You. She wrote this book for her children about adoption.   (I'm going to be getting one for my library.)

By reading her blog, I have learned so much about a birth mother's lifelong journey; Kelsey has been a birth mother for 20 years.  She has taught me how adoption can be wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time and that it is a life-long journey. You don't just "get over it" with adoption.   It was while reading her blog that I learned that it isn't just a birth mother's journey.  It's a birth family's journey, too.  I'm so grateful that she wrote about her mother's support and emotions throughout Kelsey's journey.  I never understood that part of the web.

Why do I think she is courageous? Not only has Kelsey placed children for adoption, but she has also been harshly criticized by other birth mothers/first mothers for the choices she has made in her life and for speaking her honest beliefs and for still advocating adoption.  She keeps writing despite the opposition.  I truly believe that Kelsey is a Braveheart.

My absolute favorite post, I think, has to be her Happy Thoughts #7.  I sobbed during that post.  I just went back and reread it and sobbed again!  Happy Thoughts, indeed!

My favorite Kelsey quotes are:

"Adoption is God's love given twice."

(love, love, LOVE that quote)

 

"I believe that if you live in the past you will always find something that did you wrong, but if you look ahead you can change those wrongs with what you have learned."

Oh, I hope you go read some of Kelsey's blog, The Birth Mother Voice!




Meet Michelle, the author of Not quite Juno. My Adoption Story, and one of my best adoption friends (yes, I can call you that because you are), and I love her.

Oh, how I love her blog! From Day One on her blog, Michelle has been very straightforward about her adoption experience. Her story was so unique to me, - one I hadn't even considered an option - and it's so raw and still so fresh. She openly expresses her pain and hurt, and yet she makes me laugh hysterically!  She writes so visually, (she says, "graphically" - ha!) that you feel like you are there with her.

Michelle's story was the most unique of all the stories I read, and of all the stories to read, this is by far the hardest.  Michelle thought she had a big support team following her (and she should have had one), but when she looked behind, there was NO ONE standing in her corner.    After placement, she was ditched by her daughter's adoptive parents, and STILL she advocates adoption.  Even more, she comforts her friends when they need help.  Even though she is hurting, she is reaching out to others.  She is an example of charity to me.   I've never met her face-to-face, and she's become one of my dearest friends.

Here are some of my favorite posts of hers:
If You've Ever Seen a Car Wreck (seriously, you HAVE to read this post)
Adoption Pet Peeves




One of my favorite Michelle quotes:

"I think we do have a stake in our own destinies. We are placed on this planet out of God's divine love for us, and we return to Him out of our unwavering/unconditional love of Him."

Kelsey and Michelle, thank you for helping me to see.  

The Adoption Triad: Birth Parents

Disclaimer: I feel very unworthy and under-qualified to write this post.  I know that I will never truly understand what the birth family experiences before, during, and after placement. I have not walked that path.

During my sophomore year of high school a new girl moved into my neighborhood and school.  She came to live with her grandparents.  They were very sweet people and invited me to get to know her.  I liked her.  She was down to earth and genuine.  But she was different from me.  We had very different lifestyles and upbringings and even interests.  She was a big-city girl, and I lived in Podunkville.  She showed me a picture of a sweet little girl on her dresser and told me that it was her daughter: her daughter that she'd placed for adoption.  I didn't understand when she told me that her girl still called her "Mommy Jane" (*name has been changed).   I was confused.  I thought something must be wrong if she still saw her daughter who wasn't her daughter any more.  I asked little because I really didn't know what to say. . . if I only knew then what I know now. 


I am a mother.  I know what it means to love a child that grew in my womb.  I know what it feels like to have that baby so close to you one day and then gone the next.  I don't know what it's like to place that baby with another family knowing she will never call me "Mommy." 

If you've followed my blog in the last few months, then you know how I really, truly feel about birth parents, especially birth mothers (if not, just click on the label "birthmothers" at the bottom of the page).  Still, I'm going to write this from my perspective, which I know is biased as I am not a birth mother and never will be.


I mentioned before that I really had NO CLUE what I was doing when we started the adoption process.  I know that I would be heavily scrutinized and criticized for my decision.  Many critics would tell me that I had no right to even start out on this path and jump in with both feet.  They would call that blindness; because of our experience, I call it faith.   Three years ago I knew nothing about birth mothers; thus I was nervous about raising another mother's child.  Would she want her child back after years of separation?  Would she hunt us down and demand her child back?

When you decide to adopt, you are required to take a set of adoption workshops. Our agency, LDS Family Services provides a series of these twice a year. In our first year, before we were homestudy-approved, we attended these once a month for six months. By far, my, no our, favorite workshop was the birth-parent panel discussion.  In two hours we went from debating over an open adoption (I was leaning towards it, Matt was very unsure) to embracing the idea.  What happened?  There were four different birth mothers on that panel discussion who had four completely different stories.  One birth mother even shared her friend's experience.  Her friend was promised an open adoption with pictures, emails, and visits.  After the placement of her child, the adoptive parents changed their minds and ended contact.  Her heart was shattered and her faith in adoption was gone.  Since that panel discussion, we've never questioned an open adoption, and we resolved to always keep our promises.

When I finally decided to look beyond myself, I began with reading blogs from birth mothers. At first I was reading the same type of birth mother blog, it seemed. It didn't really matter in the beginning because I learned what I needed to at that point -- adoption isn't just about my family. It never will be. Adoption is more than just "Love." Adoption is heart-break, pain, loss, crushing, etc. You get the idea. I only saw adoption from my side for a long time - I was looking for my happily ever after, and so to read heart-breaking accounts of adoption was eye-opening. (FYI, a very good blog to read all of these stories is Matters of the Heart.  Karine has collected many birth mother stories.)

I can not even begin to tell you what emotions a birth mother experiences (because I am not one).  What is GAIN for adoptive parents means LOSS for the birth family.  Remember the old adage, "you can't get something from nothing"?  It comes from somewhere, in adoption, from someone.  Where adoptive couples usually have a whole support team (I think of the Verizon Wireless commercials) following them around and cheering them on (with a few dissenters among their midst who really just don't understand), birth mothers don't always have that.  Their following could be one person, no one, or even a group of family and a few friends.  Possibly, they could have a anti-support team.  A team composed of people telling them that the choices they are making/have made are wrong.  If they do have a large support team, they may not see it because adoption is such a personal journey. 

Expectant parents who were not "expecting" to be parents have several options:  parenting, adoption, abortion.  My personal opinion and belief is based upon this statement taken from The Family: A Proclamation to the World: "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." However, it is NOT my decision, and the greatest gift that our Father in Heaven gave us, the gift that our existence on this earth was based upon was the gift of agency: the ability to choose.  Can I deny that gift to someone else? No.  Should an expectant mother have that right taken from her from her parents, an adoption agency, society? No.  She has the right to choose.  Do I have the right to judge her for her decisions? NEVER.  Only two have that right: she does and Jesus Christ.
  
(Wow, this post is getting long. . .)

One of the main reasons I love LDS Family Services is that they encourage expectant parents to research all their options.  They do not advocate abortion, and neither do I. (But it's not my right to judge a woman for her decision.  In fact, I'm very anti-abortion; of course, that comes from having two preemies and a miscarriage at thirteen weeks and being able to see perfectly formed bodies at those very early stage of life.  But that is my experience. . .)
They do, however, encourage the parents to make their own decisions.  You don't believe me?  Let me give you an example.  My caseworker told me that she was recently working with a young expectant mother who when she read the LDS First Presidency's letter about adoption, cried, "But this feels like I have no choice, that I have to choose adoption."  (Personally, I understand where she is coming from.  We believe that you should follow the Prophet and do as he counsels, for he is the Lord's mouthpiece on this earth.)  My caseworker responded, "You do have a choice.  You always have your agency. You can choose to parent your child or to place the child for adoption.  We only ask that you research and pray about all of your options."  Some would probably argue that this is still coercion, but I do know that my caseworker has said that they will not force a mother to place for adoption.  If she chooses to parent, they will give her tools and resources to do that. (For this girl marriage was not an option, she was too young.)

When an expectant mother chooses adoption, she has the option to pick out the adoptive family.  This is where/when adoptive couples feel powerless.  Even after all the networking I have done, it still comes down to an expectant mother's choice.  She chooses us.  (I still believe that we as adoptive parents have power in our words, i.e. birth parent letter, adoption websites, etc., but that's another post.) Basically, she chooses what she believes is the best option for her child, and I absolutely agree.  A mother has every right to do what is best for HER child.  Yes, her child.  Even if she chooses adoption, she has the right to change her mind until she signs the relinquishment papers.  My dear friend Meghan, an adoptive mom, said it best:

We all as prospective adoptive parents would benefit from realizing that no matter what the expectant mom might think before birth, the real decision happens after she sees her baby. I'm just saying because I think that's were a problem lies in potential adoptive parents being coercive. We have to be very careful not to overstep our bounds and think that any pregnant woman considering adoption owes us something. She doesn't. She only owes it to her self and her baby to make the right decision for her. 

We could help ourselves out a lot if we didn't assume we were going to be the ones parenting the child possibly being placed for adoption. Not saying we shouldn't put our hearts into it because that's impossible to do, but we should assume the expectant mom will parent instead of place. Its the most logical to think or expect. And I think it would help our process more, by being prepared for that outcome. . . that's the chance we take when we are adopting, someone will get hurt in the end and why shouldn't we expect it will be us. The expectant moms considering adoption shouldn't always be the ones to get hurt so we won't be disappointed.

(Okay, is this officially a novel now?  Looong!)

One day, I will be a mother to another mother's child.  I firmly believe that once she has placed her child with the adoptive couple, it is still HER child.  For those of you who have been pregnant and given birth, I know you can feel what this means.  Once you have borne a child, that child will forever have a place in your heart.  That child forever has you with him/her, too.  You are a part of each other.  I would never take that from her.  This is one reason why I choose open adoption.  The child and mother are a part of each other.  They need each other. 

Adoption is life-long, eternal even.  A birth mother has a gaping wound (one I can partially understand); one that will hopefully heal, though she will forever have a scar.  She may not regret her decision to place her child for adoption, but she will always feel it.  Once you have given your heart, you miss it.  I truly hope that as an adoptive mother to another mother's child that I can be in her support team - that I won't throw her to the curb.  I want to help her heal.  I love her, and I don't even know her yet.

If I could go back in time to when I was 15, I would.  I would take "Jane" in my arms and hug her tightly.  I would tell her that she was strong, brave, courageous, and that I admired her decision.  I would be a better friend; I would listen; I would ask about her daughter.  I would be in her support team.   I would know how to love her.

The Adoption Triad

Over the last six months I've really been studying adoption. I started with reading about adoption from a birth mother's perspective. Within a few short months, I was immersed and reading every blog I could. I was nervous about branching out, but it has been the best thing for me.

Before I started researching, I hadn't ever thought about this subject, but now it's all I do think about, and it seems obvious to me. The Adoption Triad is made up of essentially three people (think of it like a triangle): Adoptive parent, Birth Parent, Adoptee. As I've read more though, the triad has become more of a weird looking web-thing. Imagine for a moment if you will, on the adoptive parents' side connected to them on different branches are their agency, caseworkers, extended family, bio-family (if you're like us then bio-children), friends, etc. The Birth Parents is more like a branch in two different paths: Birth Mother/Birth Father. On each of their branches, they have their family and friends. Now, who would you expect to be connected to the Adoptee that is not already connected to him/her through the others? Think about it for a minute. . .

(I'm going to leave you thinking about that for a bit, but I will address it in a later post.)

Now you see what I mean. . . the adoption triad starts out looking like a triangle up close, but as you zoom out, you see a strange looking tree with branches going everywhere. Or maybe it's a web. . . not sure. The interesting thing is that one side of the web/branch/triad thingy seems to have all of the power to make or break an adoption experience for everyone involved, and it's a little disconcerting. I wonder if you think it's the same branch that I do.

What are your thoughts?

I feel like I'm starting a lecture series called, "LeMira's Adoption Thoughts," but I do want to post about each member of the triad and what I've learned. I can't really do it in one post, it'd be super long and probably super boring.

Birth Mother Walk: May 8, 2010

(A little late is better than never, right?)

This was our first Birth Mother's Walk that we attended.  We were a little late, but we didn't miss out on any of the activities.  Some things we learned while we were there:


1.  Every kid loves a parachute! (Jackson is the kid with the blue hat.)

2.  Jackson is not afraid of Cougars -- especially if you are the BYU mascot, Cosmo.

3.  Jackson considered it a Birth Mother Run.  I should have worn my jogging shoes; Jackson wanted to run around the track.  He only took breaks when we diverted his attention and made him do something else for a few minutes.

4.  The candy launcher isn't as exciting when there is a track to race around.  A handful of Smarties was enough for Jackson.

5.  Everyone knows that it doesn't matter that there is no prize for winning, what the age bracket is for the race, how many kids you trip over, or where the finish line is, as long as you run further and longer than the other kids, you win.

(Jackson ended up running with two different age groups of kids, neither was his own.  He didn't care, he just wanted to race!)

6.  Cosmo cheats!

7.  We really hope that next year we will have our own Birth Mother's name to actually put on our labels.  We walked for our future birth mother, and for all the birth mothers that I've met over the last year.

8.  Finally, the only way to get Jackson to look remotely happy in a picture these days is to say that we can take a silly picture, and I need to work on my silly face.

Birth Mother's Day

Today is a very special day.  It is Birth Mother's Day.  When I first heard of this day, I wondered why it would be today, the day before Mother's Day.  Today I know why.  It is only appropriate that we celebrate those women FIRST because without them, many of us mothers would/will not get the chance to be mothers (me included).  Our future birth mother will be our child's First Mother.  She deserves to have her special day.  To you birth mothers whom I know and love and admire, I say, "Thank You."  Thank you for your courage, bravery, and strength.  Thank you for sharing motherhood and giving that opportunity to another woman who could not do it herself.

Today we will celebrate this day with many others.  Do you live in my area?  Then come join us!  We will be at a Birth Mother walk.  You can read the details here, at this link:

http://provofsa.blogspot.com/2010/05/families-supporting-adoption-walk-this.html.



See you there!

The Long Road

I remember when we decided to embark on this "trip." I think I knew it was coming for about a year before, but until Matt and I decided together, I didn't believe it until we finally took the plunge and made our down payment. As we packed and readied for the ride, our agents told us what to do to get ready. There was a lot of paperwork: background checks, financial statements, preference checklists, medical clearances, and personal and family questionnaires to fill out.

We asked THE question that everybody asks, "What's the average waiting time?" The answer, "Well, it really is all in the Lord's time. He's the one in control, buuuut lately the average wait time is two years. However, some families have waited as long as seven years." No problem, our trip wouldn't take that long. We could hold out for two, but seven? Eek! That wasn't going to be us. No way. Either way, though, we were told to pack our bags with patience, faith, hope, and love.

• Patience? Check; like I said, we were only going to be waiting a short time.
• Faith? Check; we knew we had NO idea what we were getting into and we had lots of faith.
• Hope? Check; we had that in abundance and were ready to share it with everyone. Hope was the whole reason we decided to travel this route: hope that we would fill in the missing gaps.
• Love? Check.

After fives months of preparation, we headed to our waiting spot with our bags packed. I think at that time we had them mostly filled with hope and faith. As we look up and down the side of the road, this is the view I have:

(Photo by Matt)

I see a lot of hitchhikers, some like us, others very different. To be honest, I wasn't paying much attention to any of them. I was focused on one thing: our journey. I focused on the road and the cars coming. One was bound to stop for us very soon. I just knew it (I told you, my hope was busting out the seams of my bag). I just stood right next to the edge of the road with my little sign that said, "Are you looking for us? We're looking for you!" I tried to look inviting - not scary like a homeless hitchhiker.

Very soon, instead of just waiting for a car to stop, I started looking at the cars as they drove by. At first it seemed like the expectant mothers were driving the cars. They'd cruise along, slowing down sometimes, and other times speeding right past. Finally, they'd stop, pick up a family and keep going. Once in a while, the driver would pick up two families, but we all knew that one would have to get out of the car sooner or later. There's just not room for two families in one car.

Once our "agent" took us aside and told us of a special car with special circumstances and asked if we would be interested in that journey. No, we'd been down that road before and it was too treacherous and scary, and we knew it.

The road was never quiet, but it seemed that there were more and more waiting travelers showing up on the sides of the road that than there were cars to pick them up. I started to get worried. My hope was running thin. After months of waiting and waiting, I was tired of standing and jutting my thumb out. No cars ever stopped or even slowed down to look at us. What was wrong with us? The other travelers around us were always picked up and then another family would take their place on the side of the road.

Although we knew a very minimal amount about this journey, we were mostly amazed at the the numbers of people who started showing up around us to share their experiences with this kind of trip and tell us all about the people they knew who journeyed this path. We also had others asking for our information to pass along. That was the most exciting part. If our information was passed along, then we knew we wouldn't be standing around waiting for a long time. We'd give our information freely, but then word would slowly trickle back that we hadn't been chosen. With each referral, my hope seemed to replenish a little more; but with each "rejection," I would lose a little more hope.

After two years, I was beat, but expectant. We made it to the "average" waiting time. Why were we still waiting by the side of the road? Matt was upset; I was clinging to one thin strand of hope. Most of my hope was replaced with discouragement. Finally, finally I looked around at the other couples. What were they doing that we weren't? What did they have that we didn't? I looked down to the battered, cardboard sign I was holding. I finally found a mirror and looked at it. I was covered with dust, my sign was crumbling in my hands, my clothes were tattered, and I was sunburned from sitting around too long. I wouldn't want to pick me up either. Scary!

I got all cleaned up and started making new signs. I plastered our signs everywhere; handed out our cards to everyone I knew. I created a blog (everybody reads blogs these days), a Facebook group, and sent emails. "Pick us, pick us! We're wonderful, we promise. We'll be good to you." My hope was restored, but I didn't realize how thin my patience was. When a car would stop to check us out, I was crushed lower and lower with each rejection.

Suddenly, I couldn't do this alone. I realized that the other travelers weren't my competition, they were my support. I found a social network specifically for our journey. I reunited with a best friend from high school who was also on this journey, and she'd been on this journey for the same length that I had been. We comforted and encouraged each other. Sometimes, we even gave advice. We talked regularly, cried together, and renewed the other's faith.

Faith. Yes, I didn't realize in the beginning just how much faith I'd need. I thought I had faith in the beginning, but three years later, Faith is all that I seem to have left in my bag. Faith replenishes hope and patience. Faith is my water -- the essential element in the journey. Even in this desert, it's renewable and sustainable as long as I drop to my knees and ask for it. It was through renewing that faith that I remembered Him. That's when I noticed it. The next car that drove by was different. No, not different, but my eyes were opened to something I hadn't seen before. The expectant mother wasn't driving the car, He was. She only had to ask him to slow down or ask if these were the parents she was supposed to pick up. He was in control. He knew where to take her and what to do. Unfortunately, there were times when the car would come to a screeching halt and the family in the car had to get out. That was heart-wrenching to watch. Families that were expecting to be done with their journey had to walk back, beaten, and start again.

And then I listened. I listened to what she was saying to me. She rolled down her window and said, "There's nothing wrong with you. Just wait for it: the right time, the right place with the right person. It will be RIGHT, but you have to wait. Be patient." Then I started networking to learn more about her. She was amazing to me. I wanted to understand better. I needed to see things from her eyes. I'd been looking into the sun too long, and I was blind to anything else but my own journey. I saw what it was like for her when she felt stranded in her own desert because the family she had chosen dumped her out of the car. My heart broke again and again for her every time I watched that happen. I couldn't understand why a family that waited so long to be blessed threw the source to the curb. I don't think I ever will, either. As I read about this journey from her perspective, I found love. True, Christlike love. Charity.

Since then, I've quit trying to jump in front of cars to get their attention. I've quit wailing and moaning and complaining (okay, I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be better). I found peace. I gathered all of the faith I could and made a comfortable cushion to sit on. I have my big sign and my advertisements around, and now I just need to wait for the right person at the right time to find us, the right family. I know it now. It will come in HIS time, and I can wait.

End note: Yesterday my best adoption friend was finally chosen. When she called me, I shrieked with her, congratulated her, told her she deserved it, and I truly believe she does. Her son is finally coming home to her. I can not lie, though. I cried myself to sleep last night. Her joy magnifies my pain, my longing. She has what I do not. Time to bite off a part of that faith cushion and chew for a while.

Get the word out -- Adoption is about LOVE!

Love this new video created by a birthmother! (Double click the video so you can see it all, sorry it's cut off.)

A Most Charitable Act

Very soon I will have more fun things up about Jackson and Easter and what we've been doing during Spring Break this week. However, right now my thoughts are about Birthmothers. A week ago a friend who was preparing a church lesson to teach for her group of Young Women asked me to share my feelings on adoption that she could use in the lesson. This is what I told her:

I am a hopeful adoptive mom. Over the last three years, that statement has evolved to mean something very deep to me.

The saying that adoption is about love is absolutely true. That answer seems too simple until you realize what love really means. Love is sacrifice, selflessness, hope, faith, choice, and charity -- the pure love of Christ. I firmly believe that when an expectant mother decides that adoption is the answer, she is giving the most precious gift and making the ultimate sacrifice. Her decision epitomizes charity and emulates the Savior. She is giving adoptive parents something they could not give or do for themselves. Something they have struggled with, prayed for, hoped for, and cried many times over. Just as the Savior sacrificed that which was most dear to him for those who are most dear, an birth mother does the same as she places her child in another mother's arms. How does she do it? She is thinking selflessly -- she is thinking about her child and what is best for her child, not herself. Adoption is a gift of love - selfless, sacred, pure love. Adoption is Charity.

I do not take lightly the decisions a potential birthmother has to make. That being said, I firmly believe with all my heart that it is HER decision - not her mom's, not her grandma's, not the birthfather's mom. It is a decision she has to make, and whatever that decision is, she claims it. I only hope that she includes the Lord and prayerfully makes her decision.

Adoption Myths and Questions

You may have noticed that I have added a whole list of hopeful adoptive parents to my blog. Guess what? I've never met any of them outside of the blogging world. Why would I do this when they are my competition? (Myth #1) I have your answer: they are NOT my competition . Let's face it; when the time is right, our child will come to us. However, you and I both know that the Lord uses us to build his kingdom. That's why I'm posting their links on my blog. Maybe an expectant mother considering adoption will find their link here, and although she doesn't feel right about us, she'll find her family there. I'm trying to help.

I remember back to a time when I was in high school when I thought that I would never adopt because I didn't think I could ever love a child that wasn't "mine." (Myth #2) I can even remember where I was when I had this very distinctive thought. Well, I can tell you today that I was wrong. How do I know this? I have loved children that were not my own as if they were my own. I really didn't think I could, but that all changed when I became a mother.

When I brought Jackson home, there were times that I didn't feel like he was mine. After all, he had spent nearly six months in two different hospitals that I didn't feel like he was my baby. It took a long time before I really felt like he was "mine." I've always loved him, and I will love our child because I love him/her now even though we haven't met.

Finally, when we first started our adoption journey, I had a fantasized idea of adoption. We were going to get a baby, perhaps have a relationship with the birth parents if it worked out (Myth #3), and then live a happy life with the new member of our family. I've been studying and reading adoption from different birth mothers' perspectives. You know what I've found? I CRAVE a relationship with the birth parents - with the birth mother at the very least. Can you imagine doing the most miraculous thing a woman can and then going home only to realize that you are empty and hold nothing in your arms to show for your accomplishment? I can only imagine it because my accomplishment(Clarissa) gets to be with me forever, but I can tell you that the pain I felt for her loss was excruciating.

Now, can you imagine asking that mother who did the most miraculous thing to "gift" that accomplishment to you? Yeah, difficult. This is why I would love an open relationship. I would love for the baby's birth family to be a part of our family. They will forever be a part of the baby's identity and unique story, and they deserve to have "screen time." I will love them forever right along with that precious baby.

Now, I'm opening a discussion. As I said before, I never thought this was a road that I would ever travel, but here I am. I want to know what your honest thoughts and questions about adoption are. I may not agree with you, and I may not have all of the answers, but what do you think about adoption?


P.S. Do you know a family who is trying to adopt or has adopted that would like their link posted on my blog? Let me know, and I'll post them!