Downer

You get two posts in one day. Why? Because I'm barely holding it together. Today has been eventful. I have a new niece and got to hold that sweet, blonde baby girl. I'm glad I didn't check my email until after I visited my sister-in-law in the hospital.

I have been trying very hard to not let nerves get the best of me the past few days. Over the last week, our profile was shown to two different sets of birth parents. Our profile hasn't been shown to any for almost six months -- this was big news for us! My caseworker has been very good and gives us updates when she has them. However, I falsely got my hopes up when I hadn't heard anything for a few days. I assumed that we were "under consideration." I received the news this evening that the birth parents didn't even take our profile home.

The things I know include the following:

I KNOW we are supposed to adopt.
I KNOW it will happen in the Lord's time.


What makes it hard? I'm human. I have very strong emotions that I'm learning to control, and I can't always do that very well (like at this moment -- glad you can't see my face).

Thank you, Jana, for chatting with me today. Thank you for telling me about the talk. I'm going to be reading it every day for a while. I need a reminder. I'm not yet as Job, but sometimes I feel like Jacob's Rachel (from the Old Testament). For those of you who feel like you are waiting for a break, a promised blessing, or something greater, read this talk. The Lord doesn't forget.

Claim the Exceeding Great and Precious Promises by Spencer J. Condie.

Again, thank you all for loving us enough to think of us and pray for us. We love you back.

New Adoption Profile

Here's a link to our new adoption profile. There are a lot more pictures and more information than the old site had. Feel free to pass it on.

New Adoption Blog

For your information, I've created another blog. This one is specific to our efforts in adoption. I don't have a lot up there yet, but it's there and can be found by searching on Google. Once our new profile comes online to the new LDS Family Services website, I will have a link to that as well. The blog address is www.mattandlemiraareadopting.blogspot.com. I hope that if you have any "referrals" for us, that you'll send them there first or here to this blog. You may all get a letter explaining our adoption efforts with pass along cards that you can give out if you know someone who may be looking towards adoption. Also, for those of you who haven't read the February Ensign, I suggest reading the adoption stories in there. They are very touching. Thanks again for all of your thoughts and prayers in our behalf.

Something good

I've realized that lately it probably seems that we're all really depressed and down because my posts have been a little depressing. Well, it's true that I have had some bouts of depression that have hit hard and suddenly. Thankfully, I've been able to work through them quite well. Anyway, to prevent depression hitting again, I've been more active (exercising everyday again -- it feels so good when I do) and trying to be more productive.

I'm thankful to Natalie and Ben for letting us buy their elliptical machine before they moved. With the chilly weather, I've still been able to exercise at a relatively decent hour in the day. I can feel my endurance and strength increasing. Now let's just hope that the fat decreases at the same time! Each day that I exercise, I'm happier because of all of the freed endorphins running around in my head, and I'm a much better mom. Thirty to forty-five minutes a day is all it takes.

I've also been working on more food storage stuff. I've dried some apples and peppers (from my garden), and I'm working on pickling some green tomatoes. They are some of my mom's favorites, and since I was never a fan of bread and butter pickles, I am, of course, making them myself. Perhaps I will acquire a like for them as I have squash and eggplant.

Finally, I finished Jackson's baby scrapbook last night! After four years, it's finally done! For my baby shower, Mindy was so kind to give me a scrapbook to get me started -- it's now complete. I can now work on his recent stuff until another one comes along. I guess it's time to get ahead otherwise it will NEVER happen.

Oh, and lately when I go to visit my friend Paige, Jackson does the funniest thing; but I always seems to forget to take my camera. When he was little he loved his saucer (okay, it wasn't ours, it was Mindy's), and he seems to remember all of the fun he had. Can't you just see the joy on his face? Well, Paige has a similar one for her baby, and Jackson somehow thinks it's for kids of all ages. Just imagine a four year old sitting in one now. Quite funny looking.

A Loving Decision

It's time for another update, I guess. This past week we visited with our caseworker for our interim visit (in other words, our three month check-up). It was a depressing visit. According to our caseworker, Kim, fewer and fewer birth moms are going into the agency; and the ones who are going for support, etc., are choosing to keep their babies. The number of adoptive couples, on the other hand is continuously increasing. My dad compared adoption to a lottery this summer, and it sure feels like one right now. The difference from the lottery is that the Holy Ghost is the leading guide in a birth mom choosing an adoptive couple for her baby (or so I hear and hope it happens that way).

We are still praying for the birth mom from our lead/contact. She definitely still needs prayers as she is, at this point, choosing to keep the baby although she will be a single mom. The birth mom is only about half-way through her pregnancy, and many things can change during that time as I very well know.

Life seems pretty depressing every now and then with these dismal prospects. Some days I want to curl up and hide under a rock, crying, never to come out. However, I can not doubt the sure answer we had to adoption. THIS is what we are supposed to be doing. We have had some questions about other options, and how we feel about them. Here are some answers for you.

Q. Why are you sticking with LDSFS and not branching out to other alternative agencies?
A. LDSFS is what we can afford right now. They require 10% of your income for the adoption fee with $4,000 being the minimum and $10,000 being the maximum. Other agencies require more, and yet we haven't really invested a lot of time researching other agencies either. We do like the support the LDSFS gives to birth parents and their families as it is free and very helpful.


Q. Have you thought about a surrogate?
A. Yes, but there are several reasons why we have not pursued that option. 1. There are so many children who need good homes already. 2. It costs at least $32,000 -- the same as invitro -- and then add on adoption fees with it. 3. The emotional cost to the birth mom is more than money.


Q. Have you considered being foster parents?
A. Yes, but we don't feel it is the right time for us now. I would love to be a foster parent one day when I feel we are a bit more stable, i.e., own a house. Emotionally, we aren't quite there yet, but I hope one day we will be. There are so many more foster children out there who need good influences in their lives.

I'm grateful for the gospel during this time of ups and downs. Today I was reading the October Ensign, and I was so grateful for the insert on adoption on page 37. Here are the words that brought me comfort, and that I wish I could share with more birth moms.

Adoption—A Loving Decision That Blesses the Child

“We … express our support of unwed parents who place their children for adoption in stable homes with a mother and a father. We also express our support of the married mothers and fathers who adopt these children.

“Children are entitled to the blessing of being reared in a stable family environment where father and mother honor marital vows. Having a secure, nurturing, and consistent relationship with both a father and a mother is essential to a child’s well-being. When choosing adoption, unwed parents grant their children this most important blessing. Adoption is an unselfish, loving decision that blesses the child, birth parents, and adoptive parents in this life and throughout the eternities. We commend all those who strengthen children and families by promoting adoption.”

First Presidency statement, Oct. 4, 2006.

There's More To It

"Adoption: It's about Love"
That is the motto for LDS Family Services. I truly believe that they couldn't have picked a better title. After all, what greater love is there than a parent unselfishly giving up a child? It's an ageless test of love: parents who send their sons and daughters on missions, parents who bury their children, Abraham and Isaac, the Father and the Son. There are countless examples of this test, and I firmly believe that it is one of the hardest tests we will ever be faced with.

Lately, however, I've felt that there's more than just love in the adoption process. Hope is a big one, along with fear. They are opposites, and thus ever-present. Worry, dread, anticipation, depression, excitement, and certainty are all emotions that cycle through and swirl around during this time. (Now, I am speaking from a hopeful adoptive parent point of view, but I don't doubt much that a birth mother or father could experience all of these emotions as well.)

Foremost of everything I am experiencing are prayer and agency. I've spent so much time thinking and praying about adoption, birth mothers, birth fathers, and preparation. I want to be prepared, sympathetic, compassionate, and confident in this process. I have no doubts in my mind that this is the road to be travelling for us right now, but it's definitely not without it's ups and downs.

Over the summer, we had a few leads that cropped up. You probably remember the preemie baby situation, and know that we had to turn that one down. Also, other friends had a good lead for us, but that one just didn't work out. We have one more lead that we are praying desperately for. This time is more personal to us than ever as we have very specific names and faces that we can pray over. (Their privacy is very confidential and of highest priority to us, that's why we haven't told you who or where they are or who our lead is.) Mostly, we know that the birth parents have their agency. Sometimes it's very hard to pray for them to be directed to us while at the same time acknowleding their agency and praying that we will accept their decisions and be prepared for them. Agency. Agency. Agency. A gift that is essential in a successful adoption and that I feel goes hand in hand with love.

Now, if I can survive this emotional roller coaster, then I will be the better for it.

Not the call we were expecting

Yesterday we finally got a call from our caseworker. I know, very exciting! She had a question for us about some interesting circumstances. A baby had been born on Monday at 25 weeks, and our caseworker wanted to know if we wanted to be presented to the birth mom as possible adoptive parents. Our first thoughts were "Wow! We haven't been forgotten, we could have another baby." Those thoughts were quickly followed by "Twenty-five weeker? Can we really do that again?" Well, there's more. The caseworker told us that the baby boy weighed a meager 1 pound 8 ounces. (Jackson was 2 pounds 1 ounce -- and his weight saved his life.) His birth mother had consumed alcohol and smoked while she was pregnant. As Matt put it, that's four strikes against that baby already.

As we discussed the options and possibilities, we realized that this is not the right time in our lives for another severely preemie baby. The hardest thing I (LeMira) have had to do so far with adoption was to call our caseworker and tell her "no." I want so badly for that sweet boy to have a good home, and I know we could be very loving parents. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I can bury another baby this soon. Perhaps he will make it, but then at what price? We are still dealing with residual effects from Jackson's severe prematurity, and those aren't much comparatively. If the baby had only been 30 weeks premature, which is still pretty early, we wouldn't have hesitated nearly as much. Thirty weeks seems far along to us.

I didn't think I would ever pass up an opportunity to be shown to a birth mother, and it was tough to deal with it for a while yesterday. I'm grateful to know that the Lord is looking out for us. He seems to be testing us to help us realize what we can really handle emotionally and financially at this time in our lives. I'm thankful for a very understanding caseworker and for family and friends who have helped us, especially me, through it last night. As our caseworker told us, we will know when the baby is right and the timing is right. We'll feel it.