Nearer, My God, to Thee

Today I'm hugging my boys a little bit tighter and cherishing them a bit more.

 
Today I'm praying for the grieving families in Connecticut. 

Today I'm thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ.
"But little children are alive in Christ, even from the foundation of the world" Moroni 8:12

Discipline

I could blame it on having a new baby,

or I could blame it on how busy I am with Parent Council,

or I could accept the blame myself.

Whatever way you slice it, my motivation is gone.  As I told Natalie on the phone today, not only did I jump off the exercising, organizing, get-out-of-the-funk, bandwagon, I shoved it off the cliff.  I've devoted my time to being a mom to a new baby and to Parent Council.  A new baby is overwhelming in itself, but Parent Council takes just as much time and just as much energy.  Basically, to give you an idea, Jackson's school asks that families volunteer 40 hours a year.  Let's just say that I have nearly triple that amount already, and there's no way I can just be done with my volunteering for this year.

So, I'm spent.

I have to say that it feels good to have purpose and to help where help is needed, however, my house is a wreck.  I stack things on my table to be put away later, and they sit there for two weeks or more.  You don't even want to know how long it's been since I scrubbed my kitchen floor (nasty!).  My living room hasn't been uncluttered since the baby arrived.  My bedroom has furniture somewhere under the clothes and papers.  Laundry gets done because I have to have clean clothes, but usually my husband ends up folding it.  Dishes get done because I have a dishwasher and a husband.  Actually, lately, I have been trying to be better at the dishes, but that's because I have to wash bottles anyway.


My body is a wreck.  I eat any sugar-filled food that is available in my house.  I find a reason to "deserve" a doughnut or a treat when I go to the grocery store.  I snack on the chocolate chips in the cupboard, and yes, I even sneak some of Jackson's Halloween candy. (Hey, he's already forgotten about it sitting in on his closet shelf -- how does someone forget about their candy? That would be Matt's DNA at work, not mine.)  I consciously decide to NOT exercise.  The endorphins are almost at a stand-still, and that means my self-worth is diminishing.

I could go on, but you get the idea, and I really don't want to embarrass myself further.  

Thank goodness for good friends.  Today Natalie and I decided to end this de-motivation phase.  As we talked on the phone today, we decided to help each other.  Instead of cutting things off cold turkey and just jumping into good habits, we've decided to "Baby Step" it.  (Yes, you should be imagining Bob Wiley at this point.)  Renewing the habits just seems so overwhelming to do all at once, and it just is doomed to fail.

Today we've decided to be accountable to each other.  Each day we are going to individually pick one task to accomplish.  We know it will snowball and affect the other areas of our lives, but we need to focus small for a while.  I noticed it already.

Today I decided I would finally clear off my kitchen table and put everything away where it goes.  I give you proof:

 I got on a roll and even swept my floor -- maybe that means I will be able to scrub it in the next couple of days. . .I probably will since it's so disgusting.


I'm excited to be accountable again and to see success.  I'm ready to find myself and my furniture again.  :)  Maybe I'll even discover Jillian Michaels and let her beat me up again.  Time to beat the winter blues before they even show up.

One Month Old

So many things happening
So many things to do
So many thoughts running around in my head
No blog posts published

Too much


But here's something for you to enjoy:

A couple of days ago was Cole's one month mark.  He's such a cute baby.

Even when he's mad at Mommy for trying to take pictures.

A Friend is. . .

Have you ever realized that you've known someone for so long, but that you don't even really know that person.  The past few days I've been thinking about a person in my life who knows so very much about my family and me.  She has been so very connected to us for about a year, and I've spilled my guts to her about many things.  What do I know about her?  I know where she works.  I know her name.  I know a few other particulars about her, but not much. 

I realized that it is very disconcerting for me to not know much about her.  I feel like I owe her a lot because she has been so very helpful to our family, to me.  She's become a friend, and yet I feel like I've taken more in the friendship than I've given.  I think it's time I be a listener and I give back to her.  If my friend is reading, I hope she knows that I think very highly of her, and I wish, I really, really wish that one day all of the good she is doing for so many people who hurt will come back to bless her in ways innumerable.  That one day, she will feel like she has found her happily ever after.

Reign it in

There is such a thing as being too public, and I'm realizing that.  There is such a thing as too much and too many. I'm trying to figure out how to best pull back and be more private.  The whole world doesn't need to have access to my life (via Blogger and Facebook). . .hmm. . .any ideas or motivation to help me do this? 

Yoked, not Yolked

Sometimes I feel completely helpless.  I have friends to whom I just wish I could reach out and take their burdens the way they have taken mine.  I wish I knew what to say, how to ease their minds and give them that ONE magical answer.  More than anything it breaks to heart to watch my broken friends figure out how to mend and piece together what's left after their storm has raged.

I've definitely had my storms and my moments.  Somehow, I weathered them, but I know that I was never alone - even when I felt like I was completely on my own.  There was always someone thinking about me. 

Recently in church we talked about Christ's yoke and what it means to walk with him.  The scripture that I reference is  Matthew 11: 28-30:

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

The interesting thing about this metaphor is that it doesn't mean that I should hand over my burdens to the Lord for Him to carry for me while I walk by His side empty-handed watching Him carry mine.  No, a yoke is something that two people must carry together, laden across our shoulders.  We pull each other, and my burdens are lighter because I take upon His yoke, not mine.  I choose to follow Him and do what it takes to follow Him.  I choose what He would have me do.   The rest is unto my soul, not my physical body.  I choose to wear His burdens on my back.

 I think we, in turn, can do this for our friends, and even for those who are not.   My parents have an actual antique oxen yoke hanging on their hallway wall.  It looks almost exactly like the one below:

That thing is NOT light.  It is very heavy, and personally, I wouldn't want to carry it on my own.  Thankfully, I haven't had to very often.  In fact, the times I have had to carry "it"(now referring to my burdens here) on my own are when I've chosen to do so.  There have been many times when someone else has stepped in and filled the empty hole next to me without asking.  I thank the Lord every day for you have done that for me.  Thank you for stepping in, even when I didn't want you there because I really did, I just didn't realize that I would.

Now, I hope that I can help you with your yoke in some small way.  I hope you can forgive my missteps when I try to help you carry yours.  Just know, I do it out of love because I love you very much, and I want to help you as you've helped me.  I hope you will find rest.

Oh, and of course my sweet, sweet friend posted the video below on my Facebook wall.  Little did she know I was writing this post tonight, and it fits PERFECTLY with my message.  I love her dearly.

Have You . . .

Ever written an entire post and then realize that you probably won't ever publish it?

Ever commented on someone's post and then never gone back to check to see if they commented back to you?

Ever habitually read a blog but NEVER comment?

Ever posted something that you wish that you'd never posted?

Ever commented on a post and wished you hadn't?

Ever yelled at the computer at a blog post of someone you've never met?

Ever wanted to reach through the computer to hug someone you've never met?

Ever blocked someone from following your blog?


Ever blogged about something that's probably completely worthless?

Ever read a blog that completely changed your life?

I have.

Come What May and Love It!

The message that lifts me today.  Sometimes I admit that the "love it" part is pretty hard, so my goal today is to laugh and to just enjoy today.  (Sorry that the video size is off, I tried to fix it, but it's not really my area of expertise.)

Come What May and Love It by Joseph B. Wirthlin

Both Ways

Do you see impending darkness or a beautiful sunset?

There is a very familiar metaphor about glasses being half full or half empty.  And when you bring up that metaphor, if you don't ask the follow-up question, then, well, you might as well not have brought up the metaphor.  So. . .are you a glass half-full or a glass half-empty person? 

Honestly, I prefer the half-full outlook.  I like to be optimistic, and I find that it really is helpful for my attitude to find the positive.  I like the rainbows, butterflies, sunny skies, happy-go-lucky feelings.  However, that is not realistic.  Lately, the glass question now is more complicated because my answer is no longer so quick.  My answer is "I can see it both ways."  I look at that glass, and I can see how you can see it either half-full or half-empty.

Before you think I'm trying to say that I'm the better person for it; let me be honest.  Seeing that glass both ways really is a burden.  While I try to see all sides of an issue, this puts me in a difficult spot many times.  It can appear that I'm flaky, indecisive, inconsistent, disloyal, or perhaps that I would "betray my own."  You think I'm making this up?  No, I have been questioned about this just recently.

I don't like politics, and I don't know many people who do.  However, I do know many people who have very strong opinions one way or the other.  Because I try to see things from all sides, I have a hard time making a decision or even figuring out what is right and what is wrong.  I agree that we need to decide which side of the fence we are on, but I think it's important to, once in a while, stand up on the fence and get the view from the opposition.  What are they seeing?  Does this mean I have to agree with them?  No, but it's important to gain a new perspective.

Because I can see where a side is coming from does not mean that I fully support that cause or the way the people are pushing a cause.  However, I still prefer the optimistic attitude.  Life truly is what you make it, but you can't forget that there is opposition and that the view is different for everyone because we all climbed our own mountains.  My perspective will have similarities to another person, but that person's journey can give me a new perspective; and perhaps that perspective will give me clarity for my own. 

The most important thing is to respect the other perspective, even if you don't agree with it.  Respect does not necessarily mean to agree or support.  The other tough thing is to not criticize or demean another person's journey.   Yes, we have to judge for ourselves if something is correct, but that does not mean we should throw out respect for another person's perspective.

"We have a choice.  We can seek for the bad in others.  Or we can make peace and work to extend to others the understanding, fairness, and forgiveness we so desperately desire for ourselves.  It is our choice; for whatever we seek, that we will certainly find." ~Deiter F. Uchtdorf

So, are you a glass half-full or a glass half-empty person, and can you see the other perspective?

The Order of Things

Do you ever feel like your prayer list is a mile long?  I know I get discouraged thinking that my Heavenly Father is not answering my prayers, but maybe that's because I am praying about so many things that I don't recognize the answers that are providing a little relief at a time.  Sometimes I get so focused on the giant things, that I don't see the small ones.

Those who read this blog and my other one know that I've been trying to find the best ways to help Jackson.  You also know that we are trying to adopt.  Those are some pretty big things in my life that for a while that have really competed with each other.  It was about eight months ago that I decided it was time to spend more time focusing on my son.  I began doing some research, getting appointments with different professionals, and communicating with his teachers.  Step by step, one small answer at a time, the Lord has directed me and my husband to know how to be better parents and how to give Jackson what he needs.

I sit here today, my heart full of gratitude to the Lord for His guiding hand.  All of the small things are adding up to be one big thing. The most amazing thing is looking how far back these small things go.  Remember two years ago when I said that I was homesick?  Sure, I still have moments that this house feels like it belongs to someone else (you know, the creamsicle room downstairs?), but overall, this is my home.  When we found this house, we knew we were supposed to be here, but I didn't know why.  I kept mulling over reasons why my family must need to be here.  Today I can tell you that if we had not moved to this house in this town, I never would have even thought of sending Jackson to the school where he is now with the teachers and professionals who are there.  He has made so much progress, and the teachers there all adore him.  (It's awesome to have such a cute, hilarious child!) This is an example of just ONE small thing in my life that is actually a big thing.

Now, I think about adoption.  I've been praying since Jackson was born to know how to be the parent he needs me to be, and for over four years, we've been praying about adoption.  Our prayers have adapted and changed, but nonetheless, there sits the other huge item in my path.  What if the Lord had tried to answer both of my prayers at the same time?  Those blessings would have become burdens as I struggled to balance a new baby and doctors' appointments.  Yes, I could have done it, but would I have heard the answers or seen them as blessings in my life?  Perhaps not.

Today I can honestly say that I am grateful that the Lord has portioned my blessings and reserved some.  Jackson is happy, thriving, succeeding, and I feel I can breathe again.  I see the Lord's hand in my family's life, and I am ever-grateful.   I have stepped back into the adoption world, and I can feel growth again.  While the latest adoption answer is "Be still, and know that I am God," I know because He has blessed me through my past trials, there are blessings coming.  When?  I don't know, but I know they will be in His time, and the timing will be perfect because it is in His Time.

"There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of the world, upon which all blessings are predicated --
And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated."  (Doctrine and Covenants 130:20-21)

For now, I will obey and "Be Still."



Now if I can figure out how to do that. . .

Up and Down

I can't remember if I posted this song once before, but my friend Mary shared it with me a while ago.  This is how I'm feeling today.  Just listen, and I'm sure you can relate.

(Not My) Thoughts on Life

I've been really contemplative since I got up this morning, and so I searched for "thoughts about life."  Here are some of the ones that really hit home with my mood.

Living involves tearing up one rough draft after another.  ~Author Unknown

My grandfather always said that living is like licking honey off a thorn.  ~Louis Adamic

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.  ~George Bernard Shaw, The Doctor's Dilemma, 1906

'Tis all a chequer board of nights and days,
Where destiny with men for pieces plays;
Hither and thither, and mates, and slays.
~Edward Fitzgerald, The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyám, 1859




Life is not a final.  It's daily pop quizzes.  ~Author Unknown

To succeed in life, you need three things:  a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.  ~Reba McEntire

And my three favorite this morning:



All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.  ~Havelock Ellis


God asks no man whether he will accept life.  That is not the choice.  You must take it.  The only question is how.  ~Henry Ward Beecher

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life.  It goes on.  ~Robert Frost 

Thoughts and Trolls

Here's a great thought for the day:

"Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks.  The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you."  F. Enzio Busche

Here's another thought, but this is mine, and I thunk it while listening to Matt and Jackson play tonight.  If you're going to set up a picnic in your living room, beware of trolls.  They tend to take your plastic food and throw it around the room and just mess up your picnic.  Then they wake you up with a spray bottle of water when you're napping after filling your belly with good food.  (Of course, trolls do get good hints from their mommies.)  Here's a picture of a troll, so you'll recognize one when you see it:

Note:  This troll has since lost a few more teeth, picture is not completely accurate.

The Path: What You Must Carry

After I wrote the first post, I've been thinking more and more about The Path.  So, you'll be getting a series of posts, I'm afraid.

I believe we start on our paths when we are born.  The ideal is that we are born with just our bodies to burden us for a while on the path.  After all, we started in the pre-mortal life  as spirits who were not used to bodies.  The Lord knew we'd have enough on our plates learning to feel hunger, cold, pain, touch, etc.  He gave us little bodies so we could grow into them, adjust to them.  We'd be "adjusting" to them our entire lives, but it would be better to start small with the basic things before we had more burdens to carry.

That situation is the ideal.  Most babies born only really have that to worry about because that's all they process.  However, some babies are born with burdens already placed on their backs either because of another person's choices or because nature intervenes (of course, I really believe that it's not nature, but God who gives us some of these challenges).  For example, some babies are born prematurely either by the choices the mother made while the baby was in utero, or because they just came (like Jackson -- there is no explanation for his early arrival).  Other burdens that babies shouldn't have to bear are things like Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, neglect, blindness, cerebral palsy, autism, congenital heart defects, and the list goes on and on.  These are burdens that don't go away, they are ones that the babies will have to carry for the duration of their journey.

After a while, some may not even consider them burdens, but blessings. They even learn how to use their "burdens" to lift others.  Have you seen this guy yet?  (Make sure to watch other videos of him if you haven't.  I just picked a clip.)




As a child grows, more burdens may be placed and others eased while others are just named.  For example, Jackson had many burdens because of his prematurity, and many of those burdens were lifted due to therapy, medication, surgeries, etc.  I believe he's always carried his PDD-NOS, but it wasn't until this year that it was finally named.

Other burdens placed on a person or picked up along the way can be adoption, abuse, addiction, diabetes, cancer, death of another, grief, infertility, financial ruin, etc.    Many burdens, when first placed upon our backs are very debilitating, and we can not lift them on our own.   I'm sure you're thinking right now of all of the burdens you've carried at some point in your life and perhaps some of the heaviest that you are carrying now. 

  Yes, I'm sure you've dumped out a bunch of your burdens when you wondered why you were carrying it any longer, and I'll bet some burdens that you've dumped, you've somehow picked back up again.  For instance, I constantly seem to pick up the "you are what you weigh" burden.  I keep trying to dump it, I promise.

Some of these burdens are lighter than others and some seem to lighten along the way.  I would venture to say that they don't lighten, but you become stronger.  Do you realize how strong you are?  You, my friend, are amazing.  Look how far you've come with what you've had to carry in your life!  Does that mean it will get easier?  Heck, no!  But it does mean you can keep going because you've already come so far.  Give yourself some credit.  The burdens and trials will keep coming, they just will, but you can make it because you are strong and because you are not alone on this path for very long at a time.  (More on that in a future post.)

What burdens are you carrying now?  What has helped you the most in easing your burdens?

Paths

How did we meet?  Do you remember?  When did our paths first cross?  Are our paths still one, or side by side or distant but within calling distance? Are we continually helping each other up along the way, or have we moved on that we don't really know what's going on with each other?

Or are you a "stalker"?  Are you watching my life without being involved (aka reading my blog and I don't know it)?  I know there are some people like that for me.

What do you remember about our time together on the path?

I've been doing a lot of thinking about life's journey, in particular mine and yours; well, at least how it relates to mine.  I believe we each have a path with a destination, and I believe that many times our paths cross.  Sometimes they cross just once, a quick intersection.  Other times, our paths parallel each other for a long time.  There have been times that my path has crossed another traveler's path more than once.  Some of you I feel like I have made my path stick close to yours because once I found you, I refuse to lose sight of you.  Many of you, if not most, I never expected to find or "run into" - you were a complete surprise, while others were just always there.

I've thought about you.  Yes, you.  I can bet that I can pick out where on my path that either we first met or when we last met.   Each of you have helped me on my path, somehow.  Perhaps you didn't think or realize you were helping, but somehow you helped me back to my destination.

So, what does my path look like?  A lot like this:

Where are we going?  That depends.  Where do you want to go?  I believe that the Lord has a specific destination in mind for us as well, but we get to choose how we get there and if we even end up there.  Lately I'm finding out more and more that I always end back to where the Lord wants me to be.
 

Sometimes, it looks a lot like this:

A lot of forest, no path.  Usually, I get to this point and realize I've made a wrong turn.  Other times, I realize that the Lord is telling me that it's time for me to blaze my own path for a while.  Once in a while, there's a ginormous boulder blocking the path.  Sometimes I chip away with an ice pick, other times I have an army lifting and pushing it out of the way helping me.  You are that army.

I've been wondering about my path lately.   Once in a while I realize that I was meant to travel a path but not to the destination that I was expecting.  My end goal is still the same but the pit stops along the way change.  I admit that there are pit stops and road blocks that terrify me, that weary me, that frustrate me.  Some days I sit and cry.  However much I loathe these, they shape me.

Right now, I'm on a path that is blinded by the trees.  I'm not exactly sure where I'm supposed to go, but I keep trudging.  I pray to have an answer, and I stop and listen frequently lately.  I do a lot of looking, peering around corners, wishing I had binoculars.   Lately, I feel like someone is throwing rocks, trying to hold me back, making me angry, and losing focus.  The rocks are sometimes large enough that I have to chuck them out of the way, or ice pick them to death.

Every day, though, I'm grateful for the company on my path.  When I feel alone, all I have to do is holler, and I find someone near.  Someone usually answers my call.  Thank you, all of you, for helping me on my path.  I only hope I can help you on yours the same way you've helped me.

A New Day

I am so grateful that every day is a new day.  Every day I can get up and try again and again.  There are times that I think, "Wow, I sure blew it today!"  Some days I have more guilt than others.  I feel remorseful, and then I realize that I can do better.  I can try again. 

The past three weeks have been very taxing, but we're all still alive.  This week is a good week, for Jackson is the Star Student at school because his birthday is on Saturday.  (Crazy, I know!  He's almost SEVEN!)  He woke up happy and ready for the day.  When we did his reading, I was patient and diffused the anger he had.  We made it fun.  My goal is to do that the rest of this week.  His teachers have been very helpful and are willing to make accommodations for him so we can get him to like school again and not completely hate homework.  We'll get there.


It's a new day, a new week.  It's going to be GREAT!

Just Breathe

Yesterday I sat and didn't raise my voice.  I was amazed that I could do this.  However, as I tried to not yell or get upset because my son was struggling so much and was frustrated (and was taking it out on me), I could not suppress the emotions completely.  I didn't fight back this time, for it's not me he's fighting although it appears that way.  He's fighting a battle that right now he feels he's losing.  He struggles.  Usually, I lose my temper and yell back at him to calm down and to not get mad at me.  Sadly, this is hypocritical and does nothing.  Yesterday I finally didn't yell.

I found, though, that yelling is therapeutic, well, for me that is.  I get my emotional release, but it hurts more than it helps.  If I don't yell, the emotions "leak" out.  When the tortuous half hour of homework was over, he bounced back, quickly.  I did not.  I don't want to sound blasphemous in any way, but I felt a little like the Savior, who after being beaten and whipped and scourged kept taking it.  I said to myself, "So, this is what it's like to feel beaten over and over again?"

I had no regrets.  None.  I was at peace with the way I handled my emotions, mostly, but there was so much turmoil rushing through my veins.  "How do I help my son?  Am I really the best fit for my son?  This is so hard!  What do I do?  I'm lost."  There was only one place to turn.  I closed my bedroom door and poured out my thoughts in prayer.  I felt calm and reassured that for once, once, I'd handled things the best I could even though I felt so inadequate. Yet the tears streamed, and I sobbed. 

This morning I was studying my scriptures (in the Book of Mormon), and I found my answer.  I found it in Moroni 7:45-48.  For those who are familiar with this scripture, you will recognize it as the charity verses.  I'm only quoting verses 45 and 48 here and the italics are added by me for emphasis.

"And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
 ...........................................................................................
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen."

My answer:  one day is not good enough.  Yes, it was good, but I need to do this every day.  Every day, and you know what?  I can.  Not alone, no, but with the strength that I can receive from prayer and my Savior.   I have to pray for it, and in asking for help, I will receive it.  I will. 

Sigh

Some days are just hard.  The end.  Okay, I'll leave a couple quotes because I feel like I need something more to this blog post.

"If He [God] deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious by and by." ~George Q. Cannon

"It may help to know that a trial is for our good, but it doesn't make the suffering any less intense." ~Gerald N. Lund

Both quotes are taken from Gerald N. Lund's new book Divine Signatures.  I highly recommend it.  I have many thoughts on the subject, but for now you get a couple of quotes.  Sorry if they seem a little down, but today has been a down day.  Some days are just hard; today was one of them.

Wondering. . .

How do you know when it is time to change your direction?  How do you know when to move on and leave behind something noble, something wonderful, something good?  How do you tell if this something is right for you or not? For which answers do you look? 

How do you know?

Changes

Do you remember the movie Big with Tom Hanks?  Most people, when they think of that movie, think of the scene when Josh and his boss play "Chopsticks"  and "Heart and Soul" on the giant floor piano.  This morning, I thought of that movie, but not the piano scene.  When I woke up, I groggly stumbled to the bathroom, blinded myself by turning on the light, and then like all mornings, looked in the mirror.  I took my hands and rubbed my mid-section -- the part of me that I wish would change the fastest but is taking the longeset.  Then, I thought of the following scene from Big (sorry it's dubbed over in Spanish, but you don't need the words anyway).




As I looked at myself in the mirror, I thought, "What was I expecting?  Change over night?"  Let's face it.  How many of us have these high expectations for ourselves?  You embark on a journey of change, and you know it's going to be hard, but this hard?  The first week, two weeks, even the first month can be motivating.  You're pushing yourself, making the necessary changes, and you see some progress: transformation.  You're finally becoming what you've always wanted to be.  Really!  It can happen!  That brick wall is being torn down.

Six months later,  you look in the mirror, and you still see that same person six months ago.  How can that be?  Oh, yeah, remember that stumbling block you tripped over?  The one you stood behind forever because you just let it stop you?  Real, true change takes time, patience, endurance, work, and more time.  Is it possible?  Absolutely.  Will it come over night and stay for good?  Nope.  Work, work, work, work, work, WORK!  Sometimes it's downright annoying.  What's it going to take?  Focus and refocus. 

The problem I find is that all too often when we are changing or watching others change, we keep a mental picture in our heads; one to which we keep going back.  Maybe we are changing, but all we see are the negative side of things.  It's so easy to hit that one little road bump that seems so huge at the moment and let it stop us.  We just can't do it, or so we say to ourselves.

Sometimes, we even go in reverse, getting further and further away from that block that seems huge.  All we can see is that it's big.  The thing is, though, if we endure, push, fight, that is when change happens.  Eventually, we notice we're over that bump.  Will there be more stumbling blocks along the way?  Absolutely.   The thing is, though, that when we finally look back at our progress, that first block is now small.  Even if we trip backwards over it again, we know we've done it before.  The point is to get back up immediately and jump it while we still have the strength.

This has been a lot of rambling, I know, I can feel it.  What I'm saying is that change is possible, for everyone, but it takes time, and lots of it.  The harder we work, the less time it takes, but sometimes we have to give ourselves a chance to catch up to our expectations. 

I have a long way to go in my journey to love and accept myself, but I'm getting closer.  Last weekend I had a meltdown.  Life finally caught up to me, and I sobbed over the things I can't change right now.  That overwhelming helpless feeling took over me.  Three things in my mind stuck out the most that I just couldn't change at the moment.  For a second, I thought, "What about your weight, who you are?  What about that?"  Normally, those prompts would open more flood gates and frustrations.  This time, for the first time, they didn't.  I felt in control.  I have seen successes, albeit not as quickly as I wanted them, but still success.  For the first time in my life, I could say that I was okay with who I am at the moment because I have seen change.  I'm finally learning to love myself, overweight and all.