Just Breathe

Yesterday I sat and didn't raise my voice.  I was amazed that I could do this.  However, as I tried to not yell or get upset because my son was struggling so much and was frustrated (and was taking it out on me), I could not suppress the emotions completely.  I didn't fight back this time, for it's not me he's fighting although it appears that way.  He's fighting a battle that right now he feels he's losing.  He struggles.  Usually, I lose my temper and yell back at him to calm down and to not get mad at me.  Sadly, this is hypocritical and does nothing.  Yesterday I finally didn't yell.

I found, though, that yelling is therapeutic, well, for me that is.  I get my emotional release, but it hurts more than it helps.  If I don't yell, the emotions "leak" out.  When the tortuous half hour of homework was over, he bounced back, quickly.  I did not.  I don't want to sound blasphemous in any way, but I felt a little like the Savior, who after being beaten and whipped and scourged kept taking it.  I said to myself, "So, this is what it's like to feel beaten over and over again?"

I had no regrets.  None.  I was at peace with the way I handled my emotions, mostly, but there was so much turmoil rushing through my veins.  "How do I help my son?  Am I really the best fit for my son?  This is so hard!  What do I do?  I'm lost."  There was only one place to turn.  I closed my bedroom door and poured out my thoughts in prayer.  I felt calm and reassured that for once, once, I'd handled things the best I could even though I felt so inadequate. Yet the tears streamed, and I sobbed. 

This morning I was studying my scriptures (in the Book of Mormon), and I found my answer.  I found it in Moroni 7:45-48.  For those who are familiar with this scripture, you will recognize it as the charity verses.  I'm only quoting verses 45 and 48 here and the italics are added by me for emphasis.

"And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
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Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen."

My answer:  one day is not good enough.  Yes, it was good, but I need to do this every day.  Every day, and you know what?  I can.  Not alone, no, but with the strength that I can receive from prayer and my Savior.   I have to pray for it, and in asking for help, I will receive it.  I will.