Our Open Adoptions

Something that's been on my mind a lot lately is open adoption.  Whenever we tell people the nature of our open adoptions with our children's birth families, we get a lot of surprised looks and some questions.   Technically, the legal definition of an open adoption is very simple:  the birth parents and adoptive parents know who each other is by name and possibly location.  In the adoption world, however, you will find that each adoption situation is very different in terms of what "open" looks like.  In one family, it could be different with each child.  For instance, one child might have a closed adoption (no contact whatsoever with either birth parent) and another child might have regular visits. 
Our family's philosophy is simple:  Our children's family is our family.  We are one.

Neither one of our children's birth mothers initially wanted an open adoption.  We did.  From the beginning, we told them that we would love an open adoption.  In fact, with Emily's mom, we told her very directly that we wanted it for Emily more than for us or for her.  With Cole's mom, we didn't even meet her until one month after he was born, but I started sending emails within a week of his adoption. She came for Thanksgiving that first year, and in the last four years, our relationship has grown so much that it hurts when we can't see each other.  In fact, she lived with us for two months this year, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Emily's mom thought she wanted a closed adoption as well, and we were very open before Emily's birth, and we were there for Emily's birth, and I stayed the first night with Emmy and her mom.  The day Emily's mom left the hospital, Matt and I wept bitterly, worried that we would never see her again.  To our delight, three days later, when she had to sign the dreaded relinquishment papers, she changed her mind.

Here are her own words on the matter:

"Before having Emily I wanted it closed because I thought I could never bear the sight of seeing my baby in the arms and home of anyone else but my own. After having you guys there during delivery and having Matt give me a blessing I knew leaving that hospital that I couldn't bear to not have her in my life. I know that sweet little angel was sent here to be in my life but not my home and through open adoption I have gained a whole new family, a best friend and a opportunity to have Emily be not only in my heart but in my life and I know I wouldn't been able to choose a better family if I hand picked you guys myself. For me open adoption has been the biggest blessing because not only do you guys invite me and my family with open arms but you are beyond awesome at allowing me to be a part of all of her firsts and I could never thank you enough. Something I always said I could never do is now something I could never not do."

 I do not post that because of what she says about us, but so you can read in her own words what she thinks.

When Emily was sealed to us in the Payson LDS Temple, a most amazing experience happened.  For a year, her mom worked with her LDS bishop to change her life and to help herself heal.  We told her from the beginning how much we'd love to have her at Emmy's sealing and blessing.  All she could say was the she didn't want to be in the way of "our" day.  The thing is, it's her day, too, because it was Emily's day.  Emily will ALWAYS carry her mom with her, and so we will, too.

Three days before Emily's sealing, her mom received her temple recommend.  Four members of Emily's birth family were in the temple with us.  As Matt and I sat in the hallway waiting to be taken to the sealing room, the sealer asked us if we had someone to hold the baby at the altar for us.  Since we hadn't been told to ask someone, we didn't have anyone prepared, but we both looked at each other and knew who it needed to be:  Emily's mother.  Our escort worked miracles and within 10 minutes had Emily's mom in a borrowed temple dress and up with the baby.  When it was time, as Matt and I were kneeling at the altar, Emily's mother walked in the room holding her daughter, and placed her on the altar.  She held her daughter's hands on ours as her daughter was sealed to us for time and all eternity.  In a very literal way, she gave her daughter to us.  We all sobbed, but it felt completely right to have her there with us at that altar in that sacred moment.  She is part of our family.

As we exited the temple for pictures, Emily's family was there to greet us.  One of our most treasured pictures is the one of her family with us.  The only thing to make that complete would have been to have Cole's mom there, too.

My dad talked later that in that sealing room, he saw the definition of family.  Family is more than your blood and genetics and even to whom you are "legally" or even "spiritually" bound to.  Family is eternal.  Family is all around us.  I believe in an pre-earth life and an afterlife.  I believe that in the pre-earth life that we knew our children's mothers.  I can't imagine NOT seeing them or being with them in the afterlife.  After all, without them, we would not have our family.  They ARE our family. Our lives are richer with them. 

Why does open adoption scare so many people?  Simply put, they don't understand it.  What does an open adoption look like?  That's a different answer for each situation.  The only awkward moments are when I worry if I'm treating them kindly enough.  Do they get to see their children enough?  Do they feel welcomed? 

There's never a question in our minds if an open adoption is right.  For us, adoption simply means more family to love. 

Boy Update

I have some pretty awesome little boys.  I love them oober much, and they are my Valentines.  Here are some recent snippets of them.


Jackson

A few days ago, Jackson was pretending to talk on a cell phone.  Here's the conversation I heard:

"Where were we?...Oh, yeah, the baby. You're sure it's not his because it sure seems that way...Ooooh, so that's how it happens." Then turning to me he says, "Mom, that was your friend, Lisa [meaning his aunt Lisa], she wants to talk to you."

Um, yes, I was trying SO hard not to laugh in front of him; no, I have NO idea where he got that stuff.

Jackson:  "Mom, does this have sugar in it?"
Me:  "Yes."
Jackson:  "Then you can't eat it, but I can have one. . . or two, but not you.  It will make you sick and fat."

Last month my brother and his wife bought Jackson a telescope for his birthday.  It was missing the tripod that goes with it, and so Matt bought a camera tripod and fixed it to work with the telescope. Now, we're just waiting for some slightly warmer nights to go check out the moon instead of eyeing the neighbors bird feeder across the street.   

Last night was the annual Blue and Gold Banquet for cub scouts.  Jackson decided near the end that he wanted his face painted (we did a carnival theme).  Surprisingly, to me, he chose to become a zombie.  When I took this picture, he instructed me to share it with his 2nd grade teacher who is ready to defend the world from the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse.  The most amazing thing to me is that he wanted his face painted.  This is a huge step for him.

 This morning I was trying to figure out if Jackson had made a Valentine's holder/box at school since his teacher said they were going to make them.  However, Jackson occasionally missed art, and so I wasn't sure if he had a chance to make it.  After 5 minutes of intense questioning, the most definitive answer was "I don't know."  So, 20 minutes before school, we pulled out the crafts and went to work.  He wanted a bunny, so he got a love-crazed bunny. 

 Cole
 This past weekend Matt's grandparents were in town for a wedding, and so we drove up to Matt's aunt's house to see them and his cousins.  Matt's aunt has a dog, Abby.  While Jackson was clinging to my legs, Cole was giggling and loving on Abby.  He made her nervous as he followed her around and just wanted her.  

As for the grandparents, he sat on Grandpa's lap, but wouldn't go near Grandma until we were ready to leave, then he gave her a hug.  I'm glad we got a picture of all of us.  (And you can see that I still have a LONG way to go in losing weight, but I'm getting there.)

This week has been an off-week for Cole (and me) as he has had 4-8 different teeth all trying to come in.  Yesterday it took him quite a while to fall asleep for his nap.  When I went to check on him, this is how I found him.  

 Finally, here's a video I took of Cole playing with Jackson's balloon.  Babies and Balloons are just too fun to watch.  (For me, anyway)

Relationship Status: Brothers

You tell me how this relationship is going.

An Apple a Day

This Happy Apple is getting special treatment!

Oh, and can you tell his new trick?  It's sort of like a spring.  He rolls over, then gets upset that he's on his face, so I roll him to his back, and then he ends up on his tummy before I can turn around. 

A Little Love

Giggles More Galore

Good news:  Cole laughed without peeing through his outfit!  He is still, however, true boy.  He laughed hysterically at my raspberry spitting sounds.  :)

Bad news:  Jackson lost his glasses at school -- nowhere to be found.   Yup, awesome.  Good thing for Jackson that I just wrapped all of the presents, otherwise I might have to return them and get him a very non-exciting present.

Good news: Santa sent Jackson a personalized video telling him he was on the nice list.

Bad news: I'm pretty sure Jackson was scratched out and put on the naughty list within an hour.

Good news:  His mother doesn't really want to buy coal.

Bad news:  Jackson is really struggling with giving Cole the present he picked out for his little brother at the Dollar Tree.

Good news:  I think Cole might get a really nice picture of a race car.

Bad news:  I've already gained the 20 pounds for the holidays and it's not even Christmas.

Good news:  My free issue of Fitness Magazine came in today.

Bad news:  I have five loads of laundry to fold.

Good news:  I have clean laundry so I can answer the door instead of making my husband answer it while he's on vacation and while I hide in the bedroom at 2 p.m. in the afternoon because I still haven't showered because all of my laundry is in the process of getting washed.

Bad news:  I'm beginning to ramble in this post.

Good news:  I'm actually posting on my blog*, and now it's done.

THE END.


*This is what you get when I've inactivated my Facebook account and can't give you a play-by-play of my every move there.  ;)

Cole - 3 Months

Today as I was taking pictures to send to Cole's birth mom, Cole started giggling hysterically.  He's only done that twice now, and it seems so random until I analyze the "episodes."  Apparently, after each time, he has completely soaked through his diaper.  Apparently, having pee run down your leg and up your back and stomach is hilarious.  Well, the giggling result is super cute anyway.  I caught some really cute pictures of Cole and Jackson together.  I sure love those two, and they sure love each other.

Also, we had our second post-placement visit with our caseworker.  This is THE visit that gets sent to our attorneys so we can set up a finalization date.  It's already to the halfway point.  VERY soon we'll be getting ready to go to court to be an "official" family and then to the temple to become an eternal family.  I'm very excited.

Here are the cute pictures I took tonight.  The second one is my favorite.

Two Months Old

At two months, this cute guy is already wearing 3-6 months clothes!  He's built like a football player with very broad shoulders and a thick middle.  He's so cute and wins over a room.  He's very social as he loves to smile, "talk," and almost giggle at people.

Personally, this past week has been wonderful for me to remember what it's really like to have a baby in the home.  The innocent, pure joy is contagious.  I look at him, and I'm in love.  I've cried a couple of times and thanked the Lord for his guiding hand in helping Cole find his way to our family.  I've thanked the Lord for Cole's birth mom and for her decision and for her.  We love her very much.  We can't wait to see her again in a couple of days!

Naps are For Babies

 My friend from Maryland sent a cute sleeper for Cole.  Yesterday and today, he's definitely been avoiding the naps.

Don't let that look fool you. . .

I told you he was faking it!

Good thing he's so adorable. 

Angels are Singing

Was that a "Hallelujah" chorus you heard at my house this morning?

Why, YES, yes it was!

Did one baby sleep through the night?

YES!

Oh, I think I hear it again:

Happy Halloween!

A cute pumpkin and a spooky, but friendly, ghost hope you had a "boo-"tiful time last night collecting candy.

 (Oh, Nate, do you recognize the mask?)

 Cole was DONE doing pictures after about 10 seconds.  Ha!

BOOOOOO!

Jackson enjoyed trick-or-treating with Daddy this year.  He wore the mask for about the length of time that I took pictures and then took it off after leaving the house (Matt says anyway).  He got a bucket full of candy.   Cole was just cute and admired when the trick-or-treaters came to our door. . . while he slept.

First Day of Church

I finally went back to church this past Sunday and took Cole.  I'd sort of forgotten what it's like with a baby at church.  I didn't even attempt to take my scriptures, however, because I KNEW that I wouldn't even be able to hold them at the same time as holding this cute Lunk:

Lest you think he looks so innocent, you should know that he spent all of the first hour (Relief Society for us) grunting, crying, and eating -- I had to take him out.  Also,  you should know that the one obligation I have on Sundays is in Relief Society (the women's class).  The rest of church, however, he was an angel.

Funniest moment:  A gentleman sees me with Cole and asks, "Well, who is this?"
"This is our new son, Cole."
He inquisitively looks from me to Cole, then back to me, then back to Cole and states, "He sure is dark. . ."
"Um, we adopted him."

No, I didn't stammer because I didn't know how to face the "adopted" part; I stammered because I thought it was obvious.

Birth Mom

My adoption friends are probably out there wondering why I haven't mentioned Cole's birth mom really at all on my blog.  I, who advocated so strongly for birth parents and open adoption, have hardly written anything about a relationship or connection there.  I haven't even mentioned his adoption story yet.

"Why?" You ask.  This seems so hypocritical, or for others out there, this seems so typical of adoptive parents.

It is so difficult to write a lot about Cole's story because it isn't mine to tell.  It's his.  It's hers.  A part of it is mine, and that part I will share.  His birth mother's story, however, is hers to tell if she ever wants to share it.  I respect her so much that it is hard to write a lot about her on my blog, such a public place.  She is a private person, and I respect that.

I often think of Mary, the mother of Jesus, in the Bible reference, "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart."  (Luke 2:19)  I have been doing a lot of "pondering."  So much of the story is so spiritual that to put it here on a blog seems to demean it a bit.

I will tell you, though, that we have met Cole's birth mother.  I'm still getting to know her, and somehow I feel profound love for her.  For every day for the rest of my life I will carry a piece of her with me.   I think about her every day.  It sounds outrageous and cliche, but it is very true. 

All of the years of waiting and researching and learning about adoption helped me.  Many of my birth parent friends gave advice, many without knowing they gave advice and many knowing they were, long before Cole was born.  I was not afraid to meet her (we didn't meet until just a couple of days ago).  I was not afraid of her relationship with Cole; in fact, I felt very honored to witness some tender moments. Sometimes, I even felt a little like I should turn away because I didn't want to interrupt her time with him.  I was glad of a friend who had mentioned how important "alone time" is between a birth parent and his/her baby.  I wanted her to have that, if she wanted it, which she did.  I never felt threatened.  Thank you for those of you who taught me not to fear.

I did have worries, however, they weren't for me.  I worried for her.  I hated telling her that we had to leave to get Matt back to work.  I hated telling her that we had to take him again.  I hurt seeing the pain in her eyes because of adoption.  I worry how she will blame herself and feel guilty.  I know this is normal grieving, but I know how painful grief can be, and I pray for her.

So, I hope you will forgive me that I don't spend a lot of time writing about her.  I deem our relationship dear and sacred.  We communicate quite frequently, and I'm happy about that.  It's a new relationship for both of us, and it's growing.  She's not "the other woman" that we don't talk about.  Jackson knows who she is, and he warmed up to her quickly.  If you know Jackson well, you understand this.  Let's just say the best picture I have of her is the one that Jackson took right up in her face.  (Haha, sorry about that!)  He respects her as well. 

We love her, and we want the very best for her.

One Month Old

So many things happening
So many things to do
So many thoughts running around in my head
No blog posts published

Too much


But here's something for you to enjoy:

A couple of days ago was Cole's one month mark.  He's such a cute baby.

Even when he's mad at Mommy for trying to take pictures.

The One Question I Loathe

So, since we've brought Cole home it's very obvious he's adopted.  I mean, really, chocolate brown eyes, black hair, olive skin, you can't miss that we're pasty white and have brown hair and a blonde son with blue eyes.  Adoption is obvious, right?

Well, we get a lot of "Congratulations" and "He's so cute," but I always brace myself for the next question.  I expected other questions, but I don't get a lot of those, but I do get this one almost every time.  When I first heard it, I was taken aback, almost shocked.  Ready for it. . .

"Where did you get him?"

Now, before you think I'm mortally offended, you should know that I understand that people are well-meaning.  Because it's obvious that Cole is adopted, people have questions about his adoption.  Understandable.  However, whenever they ask me that question, I'm confused about what they mean, and part of me really wants to laugh.

Do they mean. . .
Is it an international adoption?
Is it an out of state adoption?
Is it a local adoption?
Do we know the birth mother?
Did we go through an agency?
Is it an open adoption?

People don't realize how bad they sound when they ask this question.  The answer is, "A mother chose to place her child for adoption, and she chose us for his adoptive family."  That's where we "got" him.  We went to the hospital and picked him up.  

What we are tempted to answer:
"There was a sale down at the baby store.  You should check it out.   Oops, it only ran through September.  Sorry."
Matt's favorite:  "Blue-Light Special"
"We found a pregnant mother and bribed her because we were getting so desperate." 
"Shh, don't tell anyone, we're trying to see if no one will notice that he doesn't look like us."

Okay, really, that would be cruel, I know, to answer in any of those ways.  People really are just curious and don't mean to be insensitive.  I know.

How do I really feel about where Cole came from?
Cole's adoption was the answer to many prayers.  Adoption answered the mother's prayers in wondering what she should do.  Adoption answered our prayers as to what we should do.  In a miraculous way, Heavenly Father brought us together.  Before I sound uber-cheesy and all rainbow-glowy (oops, too late), I want you to know that this reason is why it is hard to write his story.  I firmly believe that we (the birth mother and us) were the answers to the other person's prayers. 

Did I pray that the events that preceded Cole's arrival at our house would happen to the birth mother?  No. Did we pray that the birth mother would have to experience what she did?  No.  We prayed that when the time came, that she would be led to us, if it were right for us to adopt her child.  We prayed that she would know that we were the right family if we were.   We prayed that if this particular situation was right (when it came up) that doors would be opened.  We prayed that if we were going to adopt, we would be prepared.

Was she led to us?  Yes, directly.
Did she know that we were the right family?  Yes, (or so I am told by her caseworker).
Were doors opened?  More than I'll ever be able to explain.
Were we prepared?  Yes, it took five very long years, but the Lord knew exactly what he was doing.  He knew that we needed that time to be ready.


Want to know a secret?  When we attended our first workshop training for hopeful adoptive parents, I hoped that the maximum wait for us would be two years -- no longer.  I couldn't bear it to be longer, or so I thought.  Want to know what the Holy Ghost whispered to me (what I now recognize was his voice)?  Five Years.  It would take five years.  This month it is five years from the date that we began considering adoption.  It was five years ago that I went into the Stake President's office and asked his advice.  It was five years ago this Christmas that our families and friends all pitched in and helped answer our prayers about how (meaning money) we were going to be able to adopt.

FIVE YEARS

Does this make me cry?  You betcha.

Where did Cole come from?  The same place that you and I did.

He came from heaven.



(Would anyone like some crackers with the cheese?)

P.S.

When I'm ready, I'll post Cole's adoption story.  Many of you know it, some of you know bits and pieces, and some of you know nothing.  The experience is very special for all involved, and so it's hard to write it down in such a public place.  Sorry for those who have been waiting to hear all about it.

Picture Overload

I apologize right now for the massive picture blog post overload.  I'm trying to play "catch-up."  Between being Parent Council President at Jackson's school and having a newborn, my days are booked.  Blogging has taken a back seat.


Grandpa Katschke came up last weekend and met his newest grandson.  We hope we get to see the grandparents again soon. . .when?  Not soon enough.

Uncle Ken, Aunt Aimee, Annie, and Nate came to visit us last weekend as well.  (Sorry, Aimee, I didn't get any pictures of you. . .)  Jackson keeps asking me, "Mom, you remember that baby that I tickled and smiled at me?"  Yup, this one:

 Nathan is only three months older than Cole.  Here's a comparison shot:

Jackson loves his Uncle Ken.  Funny story, this week we had Parent/Teacher Conferences, and his teacher sent home Jackson's "Marvelous Me" book.  On the first page it asked how many people were in his family, and Jackson said "4."  When I asked who the four people were, he answered, "Uncle Ken, Mom, Dad, and Jackson."

Of course, I just love this little doll.  Too bad she lives halfway across the country now.

**************Warning: Cole Overload coming up ******************

This was in between times when he didn't have to sponge bathe.  I know he's looking forward to that time again.

I LOVE those chocolate eyes!

Daddy adores him

And so does Jackson: 

"This Little Piggy. . ."

"Mom, can I hold him?"

Aren't these legs just yummy?  Sadly, the rolls are almost completely gone. . .so glad I took a picture last week.

One Week Old

Cole was one week old on Monday.  It was that night that he outgrew his newborn diapers.  Literally, overnight.  One diaper was fine, then next, too small.

I've had several people ask me how I'm adjusting to having a newborn, and I've had a lot of opportunity to compare this experience with Jackson's babyhood.  Yes, the waking every three hours is an adjustment, but I know that it will pass.  The things I'm most amazed with is how quickly a child can go through diapers and formula.  Jackson had bad reflux, and he only ate until he was barely full.  Cole eats until the bottle is drained or until he's asleep (we're working on that one, too). 

Diapers, well, Jackson only had his diaper changed when he ate at the most, sometime less.  Cole, well, let's just say he goes through diapers quicker. 

The umbilical cord was a different experience.  Jackson was worried about it all, and we've had several discussions on biology.  He was pretty nervous when I talked about the doctors cutting the cord that I meant that they would cut open his belly.  I had some explaining to do. 

Here's a comparison shot for you.  Here he was at 2 days old.

Adored

  Isn't he just precious?  Yeah, I'm not biased or anything. . .

On Sunday, Jackson had a burning question for Cole. 

He asked, "Cole, can you open your mouth so I can see your teeth?"

 

Jackson ADORES his little brother and has told everyone at school who will listen about his new baby Cole.

Daddy adores his newest boy, too.

Best Buddy

"You're my best buddy, huh?"

Jackson just adores his baby brother.