Our Open Adoptions

Something that's been on my mind a lot lately is open adoption.  Whenever we tell people the nature of our open adoptions with our children's birth families, we get a lot of surprised looks and some questions.   Technically, the legal definition of an open adoption is very simple:  the birth parents and adoptive parents know who each other is by name and possibly location.  In the adoption world, however, you will find that each adoption situation is very different in terms of what "open" looks like.  In one family, it could be different with each child.  For instance, one child might have a closed adoption (no contact whatsoever with either birth parent) and another child might have regular visits. 
Our family's philosophy is simple:  Our children's family is our family.  We are one.

Neither one of our children's birth mothers initially wanted an open adoption.  We did.  From the beginning, we told them that we would love an open adoption.  In fact, with Emily's mom, we told her very directly that we wanted it for Emily more than for us or for her.  With Cole's mom, we didn't even meet her until one month after he was born, but I started sending emails within a week of his adoption. She came for Thanksgiving that first year, and in the last four years, our relationship has grown so much that it hurts when we can't see each other.  In fact, she lived with us for two months this year, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Emily's mom thought she wanted a closed adoption as well, and we were very open before Emily's birth, and we were there for Emily's birth, and I stayed the first night with Emmy and her mom.  The day Emily's mom left the hospital, Matt and I wept bitterly, worried that we would never see her again.  To our delight, three days later, when she had to sign the dreaded relinquishment papers, she changed her mind.

Here are her own words on the matter:

"Before having Emily I wanted it closed because I thought I could never bear the sight of seeing my baby in the arms and home of anyone else but my own. After having you guys there during delivery and having Matt give me a blessing I knew leaving that hospital that I couldn't bear to not have her in my life. I know that sweet little angel was sent here to be in my life but not my home and through open adoption I have gained a whole new family, a best friend and a opportunity to have Emily be not only in my heart but in my life and I know I wouldn't been able to choose a better family if I hand picked you guys myself. For me open adoption has been the biggest blessing because not only do you guys invite me and my family with open arms but you are beyond awesome at allowing me to be a part of all of her firsts and I could never thank you enough. Something I always said I could never do is now something I could never not do."

 I do not post that because of what she says about us, but so you can read in her own words what she thinks.

When Emily was sealed to us in the Payson LDS Temple, a most amazing experience happened.  For a year, her mom worked with her LDS bishop to change her life and to help herself heal.  We told her from the beginning how much we'd love to have her at Emmy's sealing and blessing.  All she could say was the she didn't want to be in the way of "our" day.  The thing is, it's her day, too, because it was Emily's day.  Emily will ALWAYS carry her mom with her, and so we will, too.

Three days before Emily's sealing, her mom received her temple recommend.  Four members of Emily's birth family were in the temple with us.  As Matt and I sat in the hallway waiting to be taken to the sealing room, the sealer asked us if we had someone to hold the baby at the altar for us.  Since we hadn't been told to ask someone, we didn't have anyone prepared, but we both looked at each other and knew who it needed to be:  Emily's mother.  Our escort worked miracles and within 10 minutes had Emily's mom in a borrowed temple dress and up with the baby.  When it was time, as Matt and I were kneeling at the altar, Emily's mother walked in the room holding her daughter, and placed her on the altar.  She held her daughter's hands on ours as her daughter was sealed to us for time and all eternity.  In a very literal way, she gave her daughter to us.  We all sobbed, but it felt completely right to have her there with us at that altar in that sacred moment.  She is part of our family.

As we exited the temple for pictures, Emily's family was there to greet us.  One of our most treasured pictures is the one of her family with us.  The only thing to make that complete would have been to have Cole's mom there, too.

My dad talked later that in that sealing room, he saw the definition of family.  Family is more than your blood and genetics and even to whom you are "legally" or even "spiritually" bound to.  Family is eternal.  Family is all around us.  I believe in an pre-earth life and an afterlife.  I believe that in the pre-earth life that we knew our children's mothers.  I can't imagine NOT seeing them or being with them in the afterlife.  After all, without them, we would not have our family.  They ARE our family. Our lives are richer with them. 

Why does open adoption scare so many people?  Simply put, they don't understand it.  What does an open adoption look like?  That's a different answer for each situation.  The only awkward moments are when I worry if I'm treating them kindly enough.  Do they get to see their children enough?  Do they feel welcomed? 

There's never a question in our minds if an open adoption is right.  For us, adoption simply means more family to love.