An Adoption Article

It is National Adoption Month, and adoption has been heavily on my mind for the past few months.  Today my sweet sister-in-law sent this link to a story on CNN about a woman who was adopted. 

Adoption: One Story, Three Lives

In the article her parents made some statements that struck the center of my heart as I agree wholeheartedly with them:

"We feel that every child has a right to know their whole story and that adoption should not be viewed as secretive, second class, or kept a mystery. All teens, biological or adopted, search for their own identity, values and beliefs. This is magnified in adopted children, but not unique...Children need roots and wings. All adoptive parents can only provide half of this."

 I've said it before, and I'll always say it.  Children need to know their roots, whether adopted or no.  We all have an innate desire to connect and understand who we are.  Adoption adds an extra dimension on to a person's identity.  Think of a person as an onion with many layers -- as that person uncovers her layers, she discovers why she ticks and how she wants to keep growing.  Add adoption on, and you don't just add layers, you add dimension -- there are other layers within that dimension.  An adoptee must find a way to make them mesh. 

I love the news article for so many reasons.

1. It doesn't say that adoption was horrible or made life terrible, but it also didn't glorify it and say that it healed all of the parents hurt and anger or that just because she was adopted by a loving, supportive family, she had "everything she needed."  
2. The article didn't portray her as "being saved"  because she was adopted or claim that she was "lucky" to be with such a great family.
3. It showed that building a connection with one's birth family is not easy nor quick, and that there are many emotions involved for many people.  It was real.  A real story.
4.  I loved that the parents weren't threatened by their children's desires to discover their dimensions. 

I could go on and on, but really, I'm glad to see an adoption story from an adoptee's perspective because so many times we only hear it from the adoptive parents, and our voices are not the ones that need to be heard.

The Adoption Triad: The Adoptee part 1

Disclaimer:  I was not adopted, and I don't claim to know all of the feelings a person might have, but this is my view on things.  Remember if you disagree, please feel free to enlighten me, respectfully.  Thanks.

It's been seven months since I wrote my last installment of the Adoption Triad series.   I haven't forgotten that I have a very key and crucial piece to this puzzle to write.  In fact, I think about it several times a week as I sit down to type my daily blog posts.  I wonder, "Is today the day I write this post?"

Perhaps today is the day I write it and publish it, but at least today is the day I'm starting to write my feelings.  It was a little over a year ago that I realized that I really needed to start researching more about adoption.  I finally checked out a book -- the only book our library had -- on adoption:  Raising Adopted Children: A Manual for Adoptive Parents.  It's a somewhat outdated and very generalized book that gave an overview of adoption.  It never really went into much detail about any one type of adoption.  Despite that, I still remember learning something very important.

I remember that the author mentioned that at some point in an adopted child's life he/she will probably make statements and ask questions along the lines of "Why was I placed for adoption?  Why didn't my first parents want me?" or in the midst of frustration declare, "I wish I had never been adopted.  I want to go live with my birth mother/father!"  Many adoptive parents may feel challenged and threatened by these statements.

I don't want to try to remember what the author's actual words were because I don't want to misrepresent her, but I will tell you how I felt about this.  How many of us when we were kids or teenagers told our parents that we wished they weren't our parents, that "Sally's mom doesn't do that."  Or "If I lived with the Smiths, their mom wouldn't ever say that to me!" OR "I'm running away; I hate it here.  I wish you weren't my mom!"  Some of us could have been six, seven, or eight when we said these things, or we could have been thirteen or seventeen.  Depending on our age, it makes a difference the depth of those statements, and yet it still got me thinking. . .

Children will always question their parents.  It's in our natures to need to decide for ourselves.  God made us that way.  Children will be disappointed, resentful, hurt, questioning, curious, and longing for answers.  That is just the way it is.  Whether a child is adopted or not, a child will wonder "what if?".  The difference is that adoption adds another dimension, another depth.  As adoptive parents, it's our duty, our responsibility to not be threatened.  Sure, we'll want to take a step back and ask ourselves why our children may be asking these questions, but this does not mean that they do not love us!

The questions I had to ask myself were, "How would I handle this situation?  How do I want to be able to handle this situation? Does this scare me?"    After a lot of thought and self-searching, I realized that "No, this doesn't scare me because it's natural for a child to feel this way and to ask these questions.  I just need to know that this will happen, and that it's okay."

In complete honesty, I would love to be able to say to my child, "Would you like to call your birth mom or birth dad to talk about this?"  Or if my child runs out the door and says, "I'm going to live at my birth mom's/birth dad's," then I wouldn't have any problem calling up the birth parents and explaining the situation and talking it over together.  I want that relationship to be completely open, honest, and natural among us.  Yes, I'm probably speaking in ideal terms, but is it possible?  I believe so.

In talking to a friend over the last week, I reaffirmed my desire that I would love an adoption that isn't awkward at all.   Yes, those things take time because adoption is filled with resentment, hurt, pain, heartache, and awkwardness; but I would love a relationship with the birth parents where they are like family in my home where they can drop by any time, that we are friends.  If I see one of them in the store, it's not awkward, it's like seeing my good friend there and stopping and chatting and visiting.  We could pick up the phone and talk about anything, and it would be okay.  If one of us is hurting over adoption, we can talk about it.  Is this a fantasized idea?  Perhaps.  Do I think it's possible?  Yes. I do.  The key would to not push the relationship, but to have it develop naturally, but just like in any relationship, it takes work and time and patience and immense amounts of love and wanting it to work.  Yes, I think it's possible.

Now, I have gone off on a bit of a tangent, but I feel like I needed to introduce some of these ideas first.  I have much more to write about the adoptee and natural feelings that come and a difficult conversation I had with someone who was adopted.  It's been several months since we had our crucial conversation, and it's not that I haven't wanted to write what she told me, but I needed process it, digest it, and come to terms with what I really believe about adoption.

So, this post isn't "that post" that I wrote about in my first paragraph, but this is the beginning, the lead-in to that very personal post.

The Adoption Triad: More on Birth Families

Adoption does not affect one, two, or three people.  It affects families - immediate and extended - and generations.  Adoption shapes the future of families. 

Recently a dear friend of mine sent me an email in response to these adoption posts, and she told me about her cousins who have been faced with adoption choices.  I could tell that she was affected by their decisions and the consequences (good and bad).  In response to a specific situation, she told me, "My heart breaks for my aunt right now, as she watches them go through this struggle--the choices we make affect so many more than just us."

In the beginning of our adoption journey, I was told a story that floored me.  A girl found out she was pregnant unexpectedly.  She wanted to tell her mom, but was scared to death and prayed fervently that she would have the courage to tell her mom and that her mom would be understanding.  When she finally confided in her mom, her mother's reaction shocked her.  She simply asked, "Well, what do you think you're going to do?" AMAZING!  What a wonderful mother!


While I still hold to my belief that children deserve and have the right to a family with a mother and a father (see this link for more information), I firmly believe that all expectant parents have the right to choose their own path and what is best for their child.  This decision is not for grandmas, adoption agencies and caseworkers, or best friends even though the decision affects all of them.

Recently, I started reading a new blog, What About MY Baby?, about a recent adoption experience, but from the birth mother's mom's point of view.  I love it.  It captures the true love and the pain  a mom experiences while watching her daughter suffer and saying good-bye to her granddaughter.  I admire those families that take the unexpected "tragedies" in their lives and bond and adhere to each other more than they were before. 

Another fantastic blog to read about how a mother supports her daughter throughout an unplanned pregnancy and her choice of adoption is Kelsey Stewart's blog, A Birth Mother Voice, specifically her post here.   Since reading these blogs, I've begun praying for the families of the birth parents of our future child.  I wish that we will each gain a family during the process.  I know that I won't be able to take away the pain and loss, but I hope that we can have a relationship that feels like extended family, not just the family the adopted their baby.

Support Team

Support groups. . . yeah. . .I never used to be a fan of them. When Jackson was born, I'd heard a little bit about the NICU Parent Support group in the hospital, but to be honest I was selfish. I really didn't want to listen to anyone's story. I was focused on me and mine. The same thing happened after I had Clarissa. I told myself that I didn't need a support group. I could handle it. Of course, it helped that I had the bestest friend living in the apartment upstairs. She would listen and console all day if I needed her to. She was the BEST (and still is).

A year after I had Clarissa, I found two friends who had experienced the same loss I had. I spent hours with each of them talking about our angel babies and our experiences. I didn't realize how good I'd feel listening and talking to them about it. There was something there that helped my wound to heal and become a scar - it was called "validation." Being with these women and talking to them didn't change what had happened or how much it hurt, but somehow knowing that what you're feeling is normal and okay helped.

Now jump ahead to my adoption journey. There is this great group called Families Supporting Adoption (FSA), which is sponsored by LDS Family Services. It's meant to be a group for anyone who supports adoption, but you find mostly hopeful adoptive parents, parents who have adopted and their children, and some birth families (at least that's been my experience in my local chapter). At the first adoption workshop, we were invited and encouraged to attend the activities and to participate in FSA. We went to one activity, and we felt so out of place and out of touch. We didn't really talk to anybody, and we really didn't know how to talk about adoption. That's probably because we knew nothing about our journey. I seriously felt guilty that we had a biological son and that we were hanging out with couples and families that couldn't ever bear their own children. Anyway, there weren't any couples or families there with whom we really seemed to "click." So, we quit going and participating. Adoption became our own journey. That was three years ago.

Fast forward to today. When I started doing my research, I realized I needed a support group. I got in touch with the local FSA chapter again and volunteered. I asked when and where they met and if they needed help. The answer at first was promising, "Yes, we need volunteers. Yes, we'd love your help!" Well, we went to the Birth Mother Walk in May, but since that time, I haven't been invited to any planning meetings, and we don't go all of the FSA events because it seems we usually have a conflict. I promise, I really tried and still do.

Well, I decided to try a different avenue. A few months ago, I joined an adoption social networking site and a Mormon Mommy networking site. Well, I've been scammed and hurt on one but not the other, and guess on which site I spend all my time and have the most friends? The adoption site -- the one where I've been hurt. When I was scammed, I didn't realize what would happen. Besides not being naive or trying to friend every expectant mom on the site, I've gained some very close friends. We are able to bring up our adoption woes, hopes, worries, and stories at any time without feeling judged or misunderstood. We rarely have to explain ourselves. We ask questions and get ideas of how to understand things, and there is a large group of us who have started a private group just to discuss possible scams of which to be aware.

Do you know what I've found? People need people who understand. These friends can't necessarily change anything, but we can support each other and buoy each other up. When we are hurt or angry, the others hurt and help each other work through it (or plan drive-bys). We need validation that what we're feeling is okay, and we need people who we can trust that tell us to be careful, to watch out, to keep our emotions balanced. I've laughed and cried.

Jim Gritter in his article, Does contact change the grief for birth parents?, explained in even better words what I mean.

It is validating to learn that there are people out there who have had similar experiences and who have similar feelings. Feeling understood doesn't fix anything, but it reduces the loneliness and that makes a difference. Good to know I'm not so crazy. Still, as affirming as it feels to be understood, when I'm grappling with intense grief, I want a hug. That means we need to get beyond our dependence on the Net. It means we need to help the people who are close to us understand our needs so they can blot our tears with their warm shoulders.

Nothing has changed in our adoption journey - meaning we haven't been chosen by an expectant mother, - but now I feel like I have an army behind me. There is a whole group of understanding people who are on my support team. And guess what, Ladies, I'm in yours. Now we just need to plan that convention and meet so we can have those "warm shoulders" to cry on.

Now I ask, who is your support team? Do you have one? If not, you need one -- whether it's your family or some close friends, or even other women/mothers in your neighborhood. I find I have different support groups for different things. I have the women from my church who live close. I have my best friend and my mom and my sisters-in-law that I can talk to on the phone for support. I have my Ladies from AV. Who do you have? Find a "support group." You'll be glad you did.

(And I guess I should get even more involved in FSA. . .)

The Adoption Triad: Women Who Have Helped Me See

When you think of the expectant mothers who choose adoption, what age do you think most of them are?  If you think the way I used to, then you probably thought teenager - meaning high school age girls.  Well, most of the birth mothers I meet were not teenagers when they placed their children; they were college age or older.  I'm not saying that there aren't teenagers who choose adoption, but just that I haven't met very many.  Most of these mothers are women. 


In my last post about birth parents, I mentioned that when I started reading birth mothers' stories, I found I was reading the same type of story (mostly birth mothers who placed through LDS Family Services).  It didn't take long to realize to that every birth mother has a unique story with a unique experience.  I'm not even sure how I stumbled across these two blogs, but when I read them, I saw adoption differently.

I would like to introduce you to these two women whom I have come to love - my two FAVES!  Both women have placed children for adoption. I believe that they are two of the most courageous women I know and not just for the reason you may be thinking.  They both have very different stories, but they are both birth mothers that have given pieces of their hearts to someone else.  They both write about the hard-to-hear parts of adoption.  I devour each and every one of their posts, and I usually comment on them.  I'm an open blog-stalker, and they know it.

Meet Kelsey Stewart from the Birth Mother Voice.

Kelsey is the author and illustrator of the children's book, The Best for You. She wrote this book for her children about adoption.   (I'm going to be getting one for my library.)

By reading her blog, I have learned so much about a birth mother's lifelong journey; Kelsey has been a birth mother for 20 years.  She has taught me how adoption can be wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time and that it is a life-long journey. You don't just "get over it" with adoption.   It was while reading her blog that I learned that it isn't just a birth mother's journey.  It's a birth family's journey, too.  I'm so grateful that she wrote about her mother's support and emotions throughout Kelsey's journey.  I never understood that part of the web.

Why do I think she is courageous? Not only has Kelsey placed children for adoption, but she has also been harshly criticized by other birth mothers/first mothers for the choices she has made in her life and for speaking her honest beliefs and for still advocating adoption.  She keeps writing despite the opposition.  I truly believe that Kelsey is a Braveheart.

My absolute favorite post, I think, has to be her Happy Thoughts #7.  I sobbed during that post.  I just went back and reread it and sobbed again!  Happy Thoughts, indeed!

My favorite Kelsey quotes are:

"Adoption is God's love given twice."

(love, love, LOVE that quote)

 

"I believe that if you live in the past you will always find something that did you wrong, but if you look ahead you can change those wrongs with what you have learned."

Oh, I hope you go read some of Kelsey's blog, The Birth Mother Voice!




Meet Michelle, the author of Not quite Juno. My Adoption Story, and one of my best adoption friends (yes, I can call you that because you are), and I love her.

Oh, how I love her blog! From Day One on her blog, Michelle has been very straightforward about her adoption experience. Her story was so unique to me, - one I hadn't even considered an option - and it's so raw and still so fresh. She openly expresses her pain and hurt, and yet she makes me laugh hysterically!  She writes so visually, (she says, "graphically" - ha!) that you feel like you are there with her.

Michelle's story was the most unique of all the stories I read, and of all the stories to read, this is by far the hardest.  Michelle thought she had a big support team following her (and she should have had one), but when she looked behind, there was NO ONE standing in her corner.    After placement, she was ditched by her daughter's adoptive parents, and STILL she advocates adoption.  Even more, she comforts her friends when they need help.  Even though she is hurting, she is reaching out to others.  She is an example of charity to me.   I've never met her face-to-face, and she's become one of my dearest friends.

Here are some of my favorite posts of hers:
If You've Ever Seen a Car Wreck (seriously, you HAVE to read this post)
Adoption Pet Peeves




One of my favorite Michelle quotes:

"I think we do have a stake in our own destinies. We are placed on this planet out of God's divine love for us, and we return to Him out of our unwavering/unconditional love of Him."

Kelsey and Michelle, thank you for helping me to see.  

The Adoption Triad: Birth Parents

Disclaimer: I feel very unworthy and under-qualified to write this post.  I know that I will never truly understand what the birth family experiences before, during, and after placement. I have not walked that path.

During my sophomore year of high school a new girl moved into my neighborhood and school.  She came to live with her grandparents.  They were very sweet people and invited me to get to know her.  I liked her.  She was down to earth and genuine.  But she was different from me.  We had very different lifestyles and upbringings and even interests.  She was a big-city girl, and I lived in Podunkville.  She showed me a picture of a sweet little girl on her dresser and told me that it was her daughter: her daughter that she'd placed for adoption.  I didn't understand when she told me that her girl still called her "Mommy Jane" (*name has been changed).   I was confused.  I thought something must be wrong if she still saw her daughter who wasn't her daughter any more.  I asked little because I really didn't know what to say. . . if I only knew then what I know now. 


I am a mother.  I know what it means to love a child that grew in my womb.  I know what it feels like to have that baby so close to you one day and then gone the next.  I don't know what it's like to place that baby with another family knowing she will never call me "Mommy." 

If you've followed my blog in the last few months, then you know how I really, truly feel about birth parents, especially birth mothers (if not, just click on the label "birthmothers" at the bottom of the page).  Still, I'm going to write this from my perspective, which I know is biased as I am not a birth mother and never will be.


I mentioned before that I really had NO CLUE what I was doing when we started the adoption process.  I know that I would be heavily scrutinized and criticized for my decision.  Many critics would tell me that I had no right to even start out on this path and jump in with both feet.  They would call that blindness; because of our experience, I call it faith.   Three years ago I knew nothing about birth mothers; thus I was nervous about raising another mother's child.  Would she want her child back after years of separation?  Would she hunt us down and demand her child back?

When you decide to adopt, you are required to take a set of adoption workshops. Our agency, LDS Family Services provides a series of these twice a year. In our first year, before we were homestudy-approved, we attended these once a month for six months. By far, my, no our, favorite workshop was the birth-parent panel discussion.  In two hours we went from debating over an open adoption (I was leaning towards it, Matt was very unsure) to embracing the idea.  What happened?  There were four different birth mothers on that panel discussion who had four completely different stories.  One birth mother even shared her friend's experience.  Her friend was promised an open adoption with pictures, emails, and visits.  After the placement of her child, the adoptive parents changed their minds and ended contact.  Her heart was shattered and her faith in adoption was gone.  Since that panel discussion, we've never questioned an open adoption, and we resolved to always keep our promises.

When I finally decided to look beyond myself, I began with reading blogs from birth mothers. At first I was reading the same type of birth mother blog, it seemed. It didn't really matter in the beginning because I learned what I needed to at that point -- adoption isn't just about my family. It never will be. Adoption is more than just "Love." Adoption is heart-break, pain, loss, crushing, etc. You get the idea. I only saw adoption from my side for a long time - I was looking for my happily ever after, and so to read heart-breaking accounts of adoption was eye-opening. (FYI, a very good blog to read all of these stories is Matters of the Heart.  Karine has collected many birth mother stories.)

I can not even begin to tell you what emotions a birth mother experiences (because I am not one).  What is GAIN for adoptive parents means LOSS for the birth family.  Remember the old adage, "you can't get something from nothing"?  It comes from somewhere, in adoption, from someone.  Where adoptive couples usually have a whole support team (I think of the Verizon Wireless commercials) following them around and cheering them on (with a few dissenters among their midst who really just don't understand), birth mothers don't always have that.  Their following could be one person, no one, or even a group of family and a few friends.  Possibly, they could have a anti-support team.  A team composed of people telling them that the choices they are making/have made are wrong.  If they do have a large support team, they may not see it because adoption is such a personal journey. 

Expectant parents who were not "expecting" to be parents have several options:  parenting, adoption, abortion.  My personal opinion and belief is based upon this statement taken from The Family: A Proclamation to the World: "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." However, it is NOT my decision, and the greatest gift that our Father in Heaven gave us, the gift that our existence on this earth was based upon was the gift of agency: the ability to choose.  Can I deny that gift to someone else? No.  Should an expectant mother have that right taken from her from her parents, an adoption agency, society? No.  She has the right to choose.  Do I have the right to judge her for her decisions? NEVER.  Only two have that right: she does and Jesus Christ.
  
(Wow, this post is getting long. . .)

One of the main reasons I love LDS Family Services is that they encourage expectant parents to research all their options.  They do not advocate abortion, and neither do I. (But it's not my right to judge a woman for her decision.  In fact, I'm very anti-abortion; of course, that comes from having two preemies and a miscarriage at thirteen weeks and being able to see perfectly formed bodies at those very early stage of life.  But that is my experience. . .)
They do, however, encourage the parents to make their own decisions.  You don't believe me?  Let me give you an example.  My caseworker told me that she was recently working with a young expectant mother who when she read the LDS First Presidency's letter about adoption, cried, "But this feels like I have no choice, that I have to choose adoption."  (Personally, I understand where she is coming from.  We believe that you should follow the Prophet and do as he counsels, for he is the Lord's mouthpiece on this earth.)  My caseworker responded, "You do have a choice.  You always have your agency. You can choose to parent your child or to place the child for adoption.  We only ask that you research and pray about all of your options."  Some would probably argue that this is still coercion, but I do know that my caseworker has said that they will not force a mother to place for adoption.  If she chooses to parent, they will give her tools and resources to do that. (For this girl marriage was not an option, she was too young.)

When an expectant mother chooses adoption, she has the option to pick out the adoptive family.  This is where/when adoptive couples feel powerless.  Even after all the networking I have done, it still comes down to an expectant mother's choice.  She chooses us.  (I still believe that we as adoptive parents have power in our words, i.e. birth parent letter, adoption websites, etc., but that's another post.) Basically, she chooses what she believes is the best option for her child, and I absolutely agree.  A mother has every right to do what is best for HER child.  Yes, her child.  Even if she chooses adoption, she has the right to change her mind until she signs the relinquishment papers.  My dear friend Meghan, an adoptive mom, said it best:

We all as prospective adoptive parents would benefit from realizing that no matter what the expectant mom might think before birth, the real decision happens after she sees her baby. I'm just saying because I think that's were a problem lies in potential adoptive parents being coercive. We have to be very careful not to overstep our bounds and think that any pregnant woman considering adoption owes us something. She doesn't. She only owes it to her self and her baby to make the right decision for her. 

We could help ourselves out a lot if we didn't assume we were going to be the ones parenting the child possibly being placed for adoption. Not saying we shouldn't put our hearts into it because that's impossible to do, but we should assume the expectant mom will parent instead of place. Its the most logical to think or expect. And I think it would help our process more, by being prepared for that outcome. . . that's the chance we take when we are adopting, someone will get hurt in the end and why shouldn't we expect it will be us. The expectant moms considering adoption shouldn't always be the ones to get hurt so we won't be disappointed.

(Okay, is this officially a novel now?  Looong!)

One day, I will be a mother to another mother's child.  I firmly believe that once she has placed her child with the adoptive couple, it is still HER child.  For those of you who have been pregnant and given birth, I know you can feel what this means.  Once you have borne a child, that child will forever have a place in your heart.  That child forever has you with him/her, too.  You are a part of each other.  I would never take that from her.  This is one reason why I choose open adoption.  The child and mother are a part of each other.  They need each other. 

Adoption is life-long, eternal even.  A birth mother has a gaping wound (one I can partially understand); one that will hopefully heal, though she will forever have a scar.  She may not regret her decision to place her child for adoption, but she will always feel it.  Once you have given your heart, you miss it.  I truly hope that as an adoptive mother to another mother's child that I can be in her support team - that I won't throw her to the curb.  I want to help her heal.  I love her, and I don't even know her yet.

If I could go back in time to when I was 15, I would.  I would take "Jane" in my arms and hug her tightly.  I would tell her that she was strong, brave, courageous, and that I admired her decision.  I would be a better friend; I would listen; I would ask about her daughter.  I would be in her support team.   I would know how to love her.

The Triad: More about Adoptive Parents

(Don't forget to read the first two parts of this series here and here.)


LDS Family Services adoption motto is "Adoption: It's About Love."  While I whole-heartedly agree that adoption is about love, I think there is much more to it.  Sometimes, I feel like we use love as an excuse for an expectant mother to consider adoption.  Saying things like, "You'll be great parents because you'll be able to give so much more love to that baby than it would have gotten if the birth mother had kept it" or "the birth mother chose adoption because she loved her baby too much to keep it" is over-generalizing and presumptuous.  Those statements imply that the birth mother's love isn't enough, that if she chose to parent her child, she couldn't love him/her enough, and that is FALSE. 

Adoption is not the way to solve a couple's infertility or a way to deal with it.  I've had to learn to accept that I will not get pregnant again, and I'm okay with it.  I've accepted that if Jackson is the only child we get to raise right now, then so be it.  I'm grateful for him.  I'm not looking to replace Clarissa.

Adoption is not the answer for everybody.  Adoption IS NOT THE EASY WAY OUT for anyone on this path.  (I cringe every time I hear that.)  There are many things adoption is, but "easy" is never one of them.  (Want to know more about what others think adoption is?  Read this post: "Adoption Is" from one of my all-time faves!)

In honor of adoptive parents who are genuine, strong, and advocates for change in adoption and educating the rest of us, I want to direct you to some of my favorite adoptive parents (in no particular order).

First up, Sally Bacchetta (The Adoptive Parent): She recently wrote one of the most eye-opening posts (for me) entitled, "Adoption is Simply a Way." I think she has a much better way of describing what adoption is than I have.

The reality is that adoption is rooted in loss and there are losses rooted in adoption. Adoption, like any other parenting/family issue is not itself "good", "bad", "inadequate", "dangerous", or "a gift". Adoption itself is simply a way.

Adoption is a way of forming a family, a way of moving on, a way of changing relationships, a way of preserving oneself, a way of making it different... it's just a way. The power to hurt or heal isn't in adoption. It's in HOW we are as adopters, adoptees, and birth families.

It's in how we partner,
how we honor our children and their history,
how we honor our children and their present,
how we stretch ourselves to meet our kids where they are and help them hold their history intact,
how we tend their roots both past and present,
how we celebrate them for who they are, not for who we dreamed they might be,
how we uphold our promises,
how we give, and love, and accept without expectation.

Adoption itself is an event or a process. It's a beginning or an end. It's a choice among many. But it's not a snarling, pouncing, clawing, merciless beast. Nor is it a chaste, haloed, sublime, transcendent divinity. Yes, people are hurt by adoption, and yes, people are healed by adoption. But it's HOW we do adoption that makes the difference in our lives. Which makes adoption fundamentally no different than any other thing that changes who we are.

Isn't that a great statement?  The rest of her post is fantastic!  I hope you go and read it.

Another on my favorite's list is Mrs. R from the r house.  This is the first adoption site I really started reading religiously.  From her site, I began finding all sorts of places like Adoption Voices, links to dozens of birth mothers' blogs,  and just general adoption information.  Mrs. R has a way with words, and I wish I could say it how it is like she does.    Here are two of my all-time favorite posts:
Adoption 201      (Mrs. R explains LDS Family Services much better than I ever have.)
The Car Analogy


I could go on all day, but here are some more of the Adoptive Parent Blogs to which I subscribe:
Adoption and Foster Care: My Personal Experiences
Parenting Your Adopted Child 

I won't even start on all of my friends who are hopeful adoptive parents.  If you want to know about them, just click on one of the links in my hopeful adoptive parents list.  Many of the women there have been my adoption anchors for the last few weeks.

Are there any adoptive parents that have opened your eyes?  Do you know any great adoptive parents?  What have you learned from them?  What do you wish adoptive parents would "see" when it comes to adoption?

The Triad: Adoptive Parents

(If you missed the introductory post in the series, here's a link to go read it:  Adoption Triad.)

This series is going to be harder to post and keep short than I thought. It is full of my own personal opinions. Feel free to agree or disagree with as much or as little as you like.

Oh, well, here I go.

I decided that the first post I should write should be on what I know best, the adoptive parents because that is where I will be on the adoption triad. (Right now I'm just a hopeful adoptive parent, trying to form my triad.)  I understand this may sound biased because I'm speaking from my point of view. 

Before branching out and researching all sides of adoption, I only heard a handful of negative views of adoption, not enough to worry me or open my eyes. I was clueless. If you remember, in one of my past posts I talked about how I never thought I would ever want to adopt. I didn't think I would ever be here on this path, thus I never really looked into adoption or asked about it; I didn't get to know to the families that had traveled that road although I saw them every week at church, nor did I try to understand my high school friend who was a birth mother. (That whole idea was a foreign concept to me, but I need to keep that to the birth mother post.)

Perhaps you aren't aware, but there is a ginormous adoption community - just online, and I know I've only scratched the surface with my research. When I began reading what other members of the adoption triad thought about my branch, I was shocked. Shocked awake. Let me ask you some questions.

1. When you hear happy adoption stories, from whom do you hear them mostly? That's right. The families who have adopted, the ones who are so happy to finally have that child for whom they've waited and prayed. They are the ones that feel "complete." (I realize that I'm over-generalizing here. . .) 
2. Why are most couples led to adoption? Infertility or something similar like my situation. 
3. What do you hear hopeful adoptive parents say over and over? "We're searching for our miracle." "Adoption is a gift." "Adoption is Love." Those things sound okay, right? Well, apparently they don't to everyone. 
4. What do adoptive couples hope for? A happily ever after. According to many in the adoption world, adoptive couples are selfish and clueless, tainted by their desire, their insatiable craving, to take another mother's child. Hard to hear? Yes, but crucial to changing my thinking and understanding of adoption.

I admit it. When I first headed down the adoption path, I was only thinking of my own family. We had decided that adoption was the way to build our family; we needed adoption to find our baby. It was for us. We were going to save a baby from a horrible situation because we were obviously a wonderful family. Who wouldn't want their baby to be placed with us? We would be the answer to someone's prayers who couldn't do better than us. . . (Disgusted, yet?)

Of course, I'm exaggerating a little bit, but when I think back to three and a half years ago when we decided to adopt, I can't help but thinking that perhaps I was thinking those things. Why did we decide to adopt? Oh, yes, I was told to not get pregnant again after having Clarissa. I would never have even considered adoption until then. But there's more. . . I remember, we fasted, prayed, and went to the temple, and the Lord told us that we were to head down this path. I was so scared at that time, I knew very little about adoption, and unfortunately most of it was based on opinions that were originally not my own. I knew it was a way for couples who couldn't have children to build their families, and that our church advocates it. I'm not one to question an answer to prayer, so we took a huge leap of faith and found out what we could about getting approved for adoption.

I can honestly admit to myself that I fell into the "Blind Hopeful Adoptive Parents" category. It's true, as an adoptive parent, I have something uplifting to anticipate; my adoption journey is based on joy, hope and faith. (Lots of faith, remember this post?) I have been blind, naive, and selfish. Yes, I was immature in my adoption. I know now so much more than I ever did three years ago, and for that knowledge I'm grateful.

Adoptive parents can have a big advantage in the adoption realm. Many times they have a big support team following them: family, friends, an agency, a caseworker, the law, etc. They also hold a lot of power. They make promises and say sweet things to encourage expectant moms to choose them as parents. Essentially, they are making a resume - applying for a job, emphasizing their talents and family skills. Adoptive parents have to make themselves look good. (Some would say that adoptive parents entice and coerce birth parents to place their child with the couple.)

An adoptive couple's power does not stop after placement. In fact, they are the ones that can end contact and break promises still with the law on their side. The new family decides what to tell the child and when and how.

I feel like I've written ugly stuff about adoptive parents, but now I want to show you what I've seen. Adoptive parents do have a large support team, and hopefully that team will be there to support the adoption during the child's entire life, and the birth family. I really, truly hope that one day that my child will feel like he/she has two families that love him/her more than anything and that the two families are more like one because they love each other. I've seen it happen, at least when it comes to in-laws. I know this is possible.

While there are adoptive parents who resemble vultures more than they do human beings, I have to say that most adoptive parents are some of the most loving people. Their hearts have been broken and ache for something they can't have, and so they wear their hearts on their sleeves and soak in any and all information about birth parents and their stories. For this reason, they are easy targets for emotional scammers. They want to let anyone in and prove that they are open.

Another quality that I love that I've experience personally is the fierce loyalty they share with one another. Adoptive parents rally around each other and support each other. I truly feel like I have a whole support team just of other adoptive parents. Seriously, I think there's a club. . .The thing is, though, that the club is NOT exclusive. Anyone in the triad is welcome, and we welcome anybody who's in the big, web thingy. Like I said, we soak up any and all information and experience.

(Again, I know that I am not describing everybody. I know that there are adoptive parents who have made horrible mistakes and who have made the adoption experience nightmarish for birth mothers and their adopted children alike. No two adoption stories are the same.)

While adoptive parents can break an adoption, they can also MAKE an adoption. I know some of the kindest, most caring families in the world, who instead of just gaining a child, welcomed a whole new family into their own. The birth family and the adoptive family love each other and support each other. (I've heard of these experiences from children who were adopted, birth mothers, and adoptive parents.)

Now, why do adoptive parents break their promises to have an open adoption? Why do they not send pictures or refuse phone calls and visits? In some cases, according to my caseworker, it's because the adoptive parents feel that the choices of the birth mother are inappropriate and not safe for the child to be around (i.e. using drugs). Sometimes, it's a lack of communication. In other cases, I firmly believe it is out of fear.  Fear that they will overwhelm the birth mother; fear that the baby will bond more with the birth mother than with the adoptive mother; fear that the birth mother will want her baby back; fear that the baby will love the birth mother more. Personally I think that fear comes from lack of understanding. After all, knowledge is power. When you learn something, when you know it, you know what to expect, how to avoid things, or what is possible. Adoptive parents need to make sure they are educated in adoption, then they will be better equipped to handle the unexpected.

Yes, I am nervous about adoption as it will be a new experience, but I'm not scared anymore. I'm excited. Although it's hard to say that I've been waiting for three years to adopt, I can say that I am better for it. I will be a different parent to an adopted child now than I would have 3 years ago, even one year ago, because I have read so many different stories, opinions, and advice about adoption. I have opened my eyes to the hard things, the controversial pieces, and learned accept them and change my thinking and understanding. My eyes are open.

I no longer feel that I am going to be chosen as an adoptive parent because I am the only one that can love or care for a child. I do not think I am better than a birth mother, nor do I think that I will have more love that my child's first mother (because that's absurd).

I know that my view is limited because it is mine.  I hope and welcome any and all comments that you have -- whether you agree or disagree -- that's the only way to learn and grow is to listen to what others have to say.  If you have questions, ask them.  Do you have a positive or negative experience to share?  Do you need to enlighten me on something that I apparently don't know?   You will not offend me.  The only thing I ask is to be polite and respectful.

The Adoption Triad

Over the last six months I've really been studying adoption. I started with reading about adoption from a birth mother's perspective. Within a few short months, I was immersed and reading every blog I could. I was nervous about branching out, but it has been the best thing for me.

Before I started researching, I hadn't ever thought about this subject, but now it's all I do think about, and it seems obvious to me. The Adoption Triad is made up of essentially three people (think of it like a triangle): Adoptive parent, Birth Parent, Adoptee. As I've read more though, the triad has become more of a weird looking web-thing. Imagine for a moment if you will, on the adoptive parents' side connected to them on different branches are their agency, caseworkers, extended family, bio-family (if you're like us then bio-children), friends, etc. The Birth Parents is more like a branch in two different paths: Birth Mother/Birth Father. On each of their branches, they have their family and friends. Now, who would you expect to be connected to the Adoptee that is not already connected to him/her through the others? Think about it for a minute. . .

(I'm going to leave you thinking about that for a bit, but I will address it in a later post.)

Now you see what I mean. . . the adoption triad starts out looking like a triangle up close, but as you zoom out, you see a strange looking tree with branches going everywhere. Or maybe it's a web. . . not sure. The interesting thing is that one side of the web/branch/triad thingy seems to have all of the power to make or break an adoption experience for everyone involved, and it's a little disconcerting. I wonder if you think it's the same branch that I do.

What are your thoughts?

I feel like I'm starting a lecture series called, "LeMira's Adoption Thoughts," but I do want to post about each member of the triad and what I've learned. I can't really do it in one post, it'd be super long and probably super boring.