The Adoption Triad: Birth Parents

Disclaimer: I feel very unworthy and under-qualified to write this post.  I know that I will never truly understand what the birth family experiences before, during, and after placement. I have not walked that path.

During my sophomore year of high school a new girl moved into my neighborhood and school.  She came to live with her grandparents.  They were very sweet people and invited me to get to know her.  I liked her.  She was down to earth and genuine.  But she was different from me.  We had very different lifestyles and upbringings and even interests.  She was a big-city girl, and I lived in Podunkville.  She showed me a picture of a sweet little girl on her dresser and told me that it was her daughter: her daughter that she'd placed for adoption.  I didn't understand when she told me that her girl still called her "Mommy Jane" (*name has been changed).   I was confused.  I thought something must be wrong if she still saw her daughter who wasn't her daughter any more.  I asked little because I really didn't know what to say. . . if I only knew then what I know now. 


I am a mother.  I know what it means to love a child that grew in my womb.  I know what it feels like to have that baby so close to you one day and then gone the next.  I don't know what it's like to place that baby with another family knowing she will never call me "Mommy." 

If you've followed my blog in the last few months, then you know how I really, truly feel about birth parents, especially birth mothers (if not, just click on the label "birthmothers" at the bottom of the page).  Still, I'm going to write this from my perspective, which I know is biased as I am not a birth mother and never will be.


I mentioned before that I really had NO CLUE what I was doing when we started the adoption process.  I know that I would be heavily scrutinized and criticized for my decision.  Many critics would tell me that I had no right to even start out on this path and jump in with both feet.  They would call that blindness; because of our experience, I call it faith.   Three years ago I knew nothing about birth mothers; thus I was nervous about raising another mother's child.  Would she want her child back after years of separation?  Would she hunt us down and demand her child back?

When you decide to adopt, you are required to take a set of adoption workshops. Our agency, LDS Family Services provides a series of these twice a year. In our first year, before we were homestudy-approved, we attended these once a month for six months. By far, my, no our, favorite workshop was the birth-parent panel discussion.  In two hours we went from debating over an open adoption (I was leaning towards it, Matt was very unsure) to embracing the idea.  What happened?  There were four different birth mothers on that panel discussion who had four completely different stories.  One birth mother even shared her friend's experience.  Her friend was promised an open adoption with pictures, emails, and visits.  After the placement of her child, the adoptive parents changed their minds and ended contact.  Her heart was shattered and her faith in adoption was gone.  Since that panel discussion, we've never questioned an open adoption, and we resolved to always keep our promises.

When I finally decided to look beyond myself, I began with reading blogs from birth mothers. At first I was reading the same type of birth mother blog, it seemed. It didn't really matter in the beginning because I learned what I needed to at that point -- adoption isn't just about my family. It never will be. Adoption is more than just "Love." Adoption is heart-break, pain, loss, crushing, etc. You get the idea. I only saw adoption from my side for a long time - I was looking for my happily ever after, and so to read heart-breaking accounts of adoption was eye-opening. (FYI, a very good blog to read all of these stories is Matters of the Heart.  Karine has collected many birth mother stories.)

I can not even begin to tell you what emotions a birth mother experiences (because I am not one).  What is GAIN for adoptive parents means LOSS for the birth family.  Remember the old adage, "you can't get something from nothing"?  It comes from somewhere, in adoption, from someone.  Where adoptive couples usually have a whole support team (I think of the Verizon Wireless commercials) following them around and cheering them on (with a few dissenters among their midst who really just don't understand), birth mothers don't always have that.  Their following could be one person, no one, or even a group of family and a few friends.  Possibly, they could have a anti-support team.  A team composed of people telling them that the choices they are making/have made are wrong.  If they do have a large support team, they may not see it because adoption is such a personal journey. 

Expectant parents who were not "expecting" to be parents have several options:  parenting, adoption, abortion.  My personal opinion and belief is based upon this statement taken from The Family: A Proclamation to the World: "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." However, it is NOT my decision, and the greatest gift that our Father in Heaven gave us, the gift that our existence on this earth was based upon was the gift of agency: the ability to choose.  Can I deny that gift to someone else? No.  Should an expectant mother have that right taken from her from her parents, an adoption agency, society? No.  She has the right to choose.  Do I have the right to judge her for her decisions? NEVER.  Only two have that right: she does and Jesus Christ.
  
(Wow, this post is getting long. . .)

One of the main reasons I love LDS Family Services is that they encourage expectant parents to research all their options.  They do not advocate abortion, and neither do I. (But it's not my right to judge a woman for her decision.  In fact, I'm very anti-abortion; of course, that comes from having two preemies and a miscarriage at thirteen weeks and being able to see perfectly formed bodies at those very early stage of life.  But that is my experience. . .)
They do, however, encourage the parents to make their own decisions.  You don't believe me?  Let me give you an example.  My caseworker told me that she was recently working with a young expectant mother who when she read the LDS First Presidency's letter about adoption, cried, "But this feels like I have no choice, that I have to choose adoption."  (Personally, I understand where she is coming from.  We believe that you should follow the Prophet and do as he counsels, for he is the Lord's mouthpiece on this earth.)  My caseworker responded, "You do have a choice.  You always have your agency. You can choose to parent your child or to place the child for adoption.  We only ask that you research and pray about all of your options."  Some would probably argue that this is still coercion, but I do know that my caseworker has said that they will not force a mother to place for adoption.  If she chooses to parent, they will give her tools and resources to do that. (For this girl marriage was not an option, she was too young.)

When an expectant mother chooses adoption, she has the option to pick out the adoptive family.  This is where/when adoptive couples feel powerless.  Even after all the networking I have done, it still comes down to an expectant mother's choice.  She chooses us.  (I still believe that we as adoptive parents have power in our words, i.e. birth parent letter, adoption websites, etc., but that's another post.) Basically, she chooses what she believes is the best option for her child, and I absolutely agree.  A mother has every right to do what is best for HER child.  Yes, her child.  Even if she chooses adoption, she has the right to change her mind until she signs the relinquishment papers.  My dear friend Meghan, an adoptive mom, said it best:

We all as prospective adoptive parents would benefit from realizing that no matter what the expectant mom might think before birth, the real decision happens after she sees her baby. I'm just saying because I think that's were a problem lies in potential adoptive parents being coercive. We have to be very careful not to overstep our bounds and think that any pregnant woman considering adoption owes us something. She doesn't. She only owes it to her self and her baby to make the right decision for her. 

We could help ourselves out a lot if we didn't assume we were going to be the ones parenting the child possibly being placed for adoption. Not saying we shouldn't put our hearts into it because that's impossible to do, but we should assume the expectant mom will parent instead of place. Its the most logical to think or expect. And I think it would help our process more, by being prepared for that outcome. . . that's the chance we take when we are adopting, someone will get hurt in the end and why shouldn't we expect it will be us. The expectant moms considering adoption shouldn't always be the ones to get hurt so we won't be disappointed.

(Okay, is this officially a novel now?  Looong!)

One day, I will be a mother to another mother's child.  I firmly believe that once she has placed her child with the adoptive couple, it is still HER child.  For those of you who have been pregnant and given birth, I know you can feel what this means.  Once you have borne a child, that child will forever have a place in your heart.  That child forever has you with him/her, too.  You are a part of each other.  I would never take that from her.  This is one reason why I choose open adoption.  The child and mother are a part of each other.  They need each other. 

Adoption is life-long, eternal even.  A birth mother has a gaping wound (one I can partially understand); one that will hopefully heal, though she will forever have a scar.  She may not regret her decision to place her child for adoption, but she will always feel it.  Once you have given your heart, you miss it.  I truly hope that as an adoptive mother to another mother's child that I can be in her support team - that I won't throw her to the curb.  I want to help her heal.  I love her, and I don't even know her yet.

If I could go back in time to when I was 15, I would.  I would take "Jane" in my arms and hug her tightly.  I would tell her that she was strong, brave, courageous, and that I admired her decision.  I would be a better friend; I would listen; I would ask about her daughter.  I would be in her support team.   I would know how to love her.