My Turning Point

In my last health post, Coming Clean, I mentioned that I have relapsed so many times.  Two years ago, my friend Natalie and I were working very hard to lose weight and to get into shape.  I lost nearly 30 pounds in a matter of a few months.  That summer, I hadn't worked out a solution of how I was going to handle having my son home all summer and exercise, and so I didn't.  That fall I ran my first 5K with my brother and sister-in-law.  It was a very emotional experience, and one that I will always treasure.  They ran for me and with me that race.  It was my "Biggest Loser" moment.

The moment didn't last.  I fell back into my habits, and within a year and a half, I gained all of my weight back plus some.  I yo-yo-ed up and down: counting my calories, running sometimes, and then relapsing back into old habits of eating and eating.  I used becoming Parent Council president (aka PTO President) and having a newborn unexpectedly as excuses to why I was gaining weight. I was so focused on controlling those new aspects in my life that my health fell apart.

I was not happy with the way things were going, and I was starting to resign myself to the fact that I'll probably be big my whole life.  I'll probably yo-yo my whole life.  But did I want that?  NO! I have seen the long-term health effects in my family, and I don't want that.  I want to be healthy and strong.  I don't want 50 to feel like 70.  I don't want 40 to feel like 50.  I knew I had to change, and this fall, I began praying fervently again for that courage and self-control. 

In the fall, I began reading the Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball.  (You really have to start that book, put it down, and then start again because it is intense.)  In one of the chapters,  President Kimball talks about quitting bad habits and overcoming serious sins (i.e., sexual transgression, pornography, etc.), and since I have never struggled with those issues, I applied it to my own life.  A  couple of passages struck me with such force that I knew I had to finally change for good -- make it stick, and never look back.

The first passage is the one I quoted in my first post:
 

“The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile.”  ~Plato

I was letting my body conquer my spirit.  I was tired of giving in to my cravings and caving by binging on sweets and putting awful things into my body.

The second passage taught me that if I want to live with my Father in Heaven again, then I need to find a way to conquer myself.  If I don't, I'm not worthy to be with him again.

"It is imperative that when one has once put his feet on the path to recovery and mastery there must be no turning back. 'No man,' said the Savior, 'having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.'" 

I couldn't use weakness as an excuse anymore. There is no more turning back.  Each time I do, it gets harder.  It was time I made a conscious decision and stuck with it.

The entire point of coming to earth is learning to mesh our spirits with our body.  By combining our spiritual strengths and our physical senses to become perfect beings just as God is.  We can not be whole just as spiritual or temporal beings; two must become one.

I began researching and digging more into blogs and websites with healthy foods and habits.  I needed to find a way to overcome my addiction.  I decided that I needed to read and study the 12-Step Addiction Recovery Program published by the LDS Church (which is adapted from the AA program, by the way).  The first step is "Honesty," and I was just beginning embrace where I was in my life and that I needed to change.

I found a support group and a challenge through The Gracious Pantry.  The author, Tiffany, hosts a No-Sugar Challenge, and I read and studied it.  It was exactly what I needed.  I joined her group on Facebook, and I have now been sugar-free for 30 days!!!  Technically, the challenge is over, but I must keep on my journey, and I will explain more in another post.

For now, you need to know that my life has changed, and I hope to keep on this turning point and never turn back.  I have lost 11 pounds this month mainly from watching what I'm eating.  My family in general is eating better.  And if you wonder, no, I did not eat, lick, or even sample Jackson's birthday cake; and even better, he knew I wouldn't, and he has been one of my biggest supporters through it all.

Today I celebrated and got my hair done since I don't eat cakes, donuts, or candy, I couldn't use food as an incentive.  Instead, I did something for myself.  I love the new style, and I'm happy.  Here's the 11-pound lighter me:

Next up:  True Change and Opposition

Coming Clean

“The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile.”  ~Plato

I have started writing this post several times over the last month, erased my thoughts, and started over again.  When we write about something so very personal, it can be really hard to expose ourselves. This is a serious issue for me, and one that will have life long effects, and one I hope to change.

The past few months I've been reading some books that have made me take a good, hard look into my life and into who I am and what makes me tick.  I realized that I have a big problem with self-control.  I also realized that this is a personality trait that I inherited.  It's obvious it runs in my family, but it affects my siblings and me in different ways.  For me, I tend to yell a lot at my kids and overreact.  It seems I have a short temper. You'd think I'm hormonal or something. . .oh, wait. . .

I'm not sure when I realized it because the recognition has been blooming for quite some time, but this year I finally accepted that I have a sugar addiction.  When I thought about my self-control issues, the sugar addiction no longer seemed unexplained.  Before you dismiss that this is just a silly addiction or laugh about it, let's talk about what an addiction is. 

ad·dic·tion

noun \ə-ˈdik-shən\   (Medical Dictionary)

Medical Definition of ADDICTION

: compulsive physiological need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be physically, psychologically, or socially harmful—compare habituation  

(source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/addiction)

What words stand out to you?  Compulsive? Physiological need? Persistent use?

Let's be honest.  When we think of addictions, we can usually point out the obvious ones that plague our society:  drugs, alcohol, pornography, hoarding (don't think it's real -- just watch one episode of "Hoarders" -- it's real all right!), shopping, over-eating, anorexia, video games, and many others.  I would say I was addicted to over-eating, but I knew it was more than that.

Lest you tell me something dismissive like, "Oh, I can't say 'no' to sugar either," or "You should just limit yourself to one treat a week," or "Sugar isn't all bad, you're just following a fad," let me share some addictive behaviors with you and what mine have been.  Most of these come from a couple of websites including this one: http://www.indiana.edu/~engs/hints/addictiveb.html  and this one: http://www.erikbohlin.net/Handouts/personality_traits_of_addiction.htm

• They will seek it out, or engage in the behavior even though it is causing harm.  I have been substantially overweight for over 10 years.  I remember when the doctor told me that I was "obese" over 8 years ago.  You tell me that isn't hard hard to hear.  I knew that what I was eating wasn't good, but when I was stressed out, I bought cookies, snack cakes, or candy bars to relieve it.
• The person will compulsively engage in the activity, that is, do the activity over and over even if he/she does not want to and find it difficult to stop.  I would find myself eating the leftovers from my kids or grabbing handfuls of cookies, candy, or chocolate chips just because it was a habit.  I'd find myself in the pantry or fridge and wonder what I was doing.
• The person does not appear to have control as to when, how long, or how much he or she will continue the behavior (loss of control). (They drink 6 beers when they only wanted one, buy 8 pairs of shoes when they only needed a belt, ate the whole box of cookies, etc).  Uh, easy:  That box of Little Debbie Snack cakes was usually gone before I got home from the grocery store.  Cookies never lasted more than a day or two; candy bars didn't stand a chance.
  
• He/she often denies problems resulting from his/her engagement in the behavior, even though others can see the negative effects. Minimizing—is the coping mechanism of acknowledging something, but making it “not that big of a thing.”  They often feel that people are making “a mountain out of a mole hill.”  I would tell my friends and family that I could stop at any moment.  I just needed to exercise more.  I really didn't eat that much or that badly.
• Person hides the behavior after family or close friends have mentioned their concern. (hides food under beds, alcohol bottles in closets, doesn't show spouse credit card bills, etc).  That box of Little Debbie snack cakes was usually thrown away in the outside trash where my husband couldn't find it or buried in the bottom of the kitchen trash can.  The box of Girl Scout cookies that I saved for myself was hidden in my dress drawer.  I knew how to eat right in front of others by ordering salads or low fat meals to make it look like I was getting a handle on my diet.
• Individuals with addictive behaviors often have low self esteem, feel anxious if they do not have control over their environment, and come from psychologically or physically abusive families. This one is a little more difficult to talk about.  I don't think I've completely loved all of myself ever since I was. . . well, ever.  My greatest weakness is comparing myself to others.  When I was a little girl, I wanted to be my friends because then maybe my brothers wouldn't pick on me.  When I was older, I wanted to be the girl across town because she won all of the contests and all of the boys liked her.  When I was in college, I decided that I couldn't compete with BYU students, and so I just did minimal activities in college.  As an adult, well, we all know that this could go a million angles.  Basically, though, the absolute hardest part is the control:  I have struggled knowing how to be a parent of a child with high-functioning autism and being the perfect adoptive parent.  Most of you have heard my struggles with homework or other scenarios with Jackson.  When I would lose control, I immediately would yell and then grab something high in calories to eat and take away the stress.  As for the abuse part, well, I can't say that I came from an abusive home, so please don't think that I mean that in any way.
• Self Medication—The person uses the substance to fix situations and feel better.  Mistakenly, they believe that they are only using it for social reasons or pain management, but in fact it is “helping” them cope with life.  I remember a month or so ago when I actually felt the trigger.  I could feel it go off, telling me that the only way to fix the issue at hand was food.  I couldn't believe it.  I knew then that it was more than just habit or eating for "fun."
  
• Quick Fix Mentality—Addicts are used to “fixing” their uncomfortable feelings with their addiction. As a result, they expect change to happen fast and have difficulty waiting for things or progress over time. That is one of the reasons relapse is so common is that they are unable to withstand the painful/ uncomfortable feelings that occur with withdrawal.   I can not tell you how many times I have "relapsed."  This is why I'm grateful for the "No-Sugar Challenge" I found online to help break my addiction.  I will talk more about this in a later blog post.
• Upon cessation of the activity, withdrawal symptoms often occur.  These can include irritability, craving, restlessness or depression. Yet another blog post to come.  Yes, I have had withdrawals and cravings more than I realized I would.
• Anger—If there is a feeling that is expressed, it is usually anger.  Not having their substance makes them irritable and angry.  This definitely was one of my first withdrawal symptoms.
  

 I'm not writing all of this to fish for compliments or for you to tell me that I'm not really all that bad.  I don't believe I am a horrible person, but I do believe that I have a serious addiction that I am determined to change.  Please don't dismiss this by trying to "disprove" one of the things I've written (i.e., "You're really not fat, LeMira" or "We've all done that.").  One of the first steps to recovery is honesty, and I'm laying it out in the open.  This is one of the hardest things for me to do.  

I will write more about this experience as time goes on, but I knew I needed to get the first post out there, which has been the hardest to write.  

Up next:  My Turning Point: what made me realize that I had to change for good.

The Answer to a Prayer

After listening to President Thomas S. Monson's talk today about blessings and being an answer to prayers, I feel that it's time that I finally publish this blog post that I started writing a very long time ago.

Two and a half years ago, I was finally taking big strides in networking for adoption.  I was reading everything I could about birth mothers.  I'm not sure how many blogs I read, but it was many.  I joined a site, and I began meeting and chatting with different people.   


That month, April, I had gone to my parents for spring break, which is pretty traditional for me.  My family has always been very faithful at saying prayers together at night and in the morning every day.  Years ago, when I was still young and living at home, we received counsel from our prophet that we should pray for a missionary experience.  For some reason, I haven't been good about that since I've moved from home, but when I was visiting that week, one night, I was asked to give the evening prayer.  I don't remember everything else that I prayed for, but I do remember specifically feeling the need to pray for a missionary experience, and so I did. (That is what I call a prompting from the Holy Ghost.)  I finished out the week with my parents and went home.

Throughout that month, I had been talking to my adoption friend (that I mention at the very end of "the Long Road" post) about this analogy.  I had spent several nights pondering the analogy, and finally, one night, I was compelled to get up and write it (and that is what I call another prompting of the Holy Ghost). I never felt something so strong.  I wrote the post "The Long Road."  (If you haven't read it, go ahead and read it now as it really sets the tone for this post.)  I decided to post it as well to the adoption social networking site I belonged to at the time.

In that post, I talk about a birth mother in a car, pulling over and talking to me.  Now, as I look back, I feel strongly that the birth mother that I talk about is the woman to whom I am reintroducing you today, but I didn't it know it then.

I met many women on Adoption Voices that have shaped my adoption journey and my opinions, but if you'd told me two years ago that I'd meet a sister there, I would have assumed that you'd mean the mother of our future child.  Two years ago, I introduced you to some birth mothers that I admire in the post:  Women Who Have Helped Me See.  Michelle read my "Long Road" post and left a comment that it was the most life-changing post she'd read.  She connected with that post.

That summer, 2010, I began a relationship with Michelle.  It began online in a group chat, progressed to Facebook, and then we began talking on the phone.  I think I was just as scared to dial her phone number for the first time as I was to call Matt on the phone just to hear his voice (before we were dating).  Just so you know, I never joined Adoption Voices or started talking to Michelle because I prayed for a missionary experience.  I wasn't looking to build a relationship so I could find someone to baptize, just so you know.  It was only after a certain turn of events that I remembered that prayer and the timing of everything.

Michelle and I talked about everything.  It was mainly all about adoption for a long time because that was our connection, but it turned to motherhood, and religion.  She would come to me with questions, and she shared with me that she had been baptized into the LDS church when she was young, and she had a lot of questions.  I shared the simple truths that I understood with her.  In the fall of 2010, I felt strongly to send her a Book of Mormon and my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Her husband even accepted our relationship because, well, I won him over with my gifts. . . okay, no, but I attribute that to a lot of prayer.

She shared her concern that while she wanted to go back to church, she wasn't sure that she could do it without her husband's blessing.  She did not want to tear her marriage apart, as adoption had already done that.  I began praying strongly for her and for her husband.  I had never met them, but I began to love them immensely.  We talked several times a week.  I pray specifically for her husband to soften his heart, knowing that the Lord can truly change a person.

Fast forward a year:  Fall 2011.  Michelle decides she's going back to church no matter what (her re-conversion story is pretty amazing; I'm only sharing my side of things).  She visits the local bishop and shares what he said to her with her husband.  His response floors her (and me) when he asks, "Well, who's going to teach me?"  I kid you not when I tell you that I about fainted when Michelle relayed this to me.  I cried and cried and cried.  Michelle and her family started going to church.


November 2011:  Her husband decides he wants to be baptized.  I tell Matt that at any cost, we are going to drive the 11 hours to support them.  Matt doesn't even hesitate when he agrees that we need to be there.  While they've never met, Perry asks Matt to baptize and confirm him a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Matt is humbled.

December 2011:  We drive down to Mesa to finally meet our friends and support them in this big decision and change for their family. We decided to drive through Las Vegas and show Jackson the Hoover Dam.  They have this new bridge that is just amazing to walk across.  When I was little, you actually drove across the dam.

Don't worry, we hung on tightly to the boys so they wouldn't go over the edge. 

(Can you believe that Cole was so tiny?!)

Standing in two states at the same time:  Arizona and Nevada.

When we pulled into their neighborhood, I couldn't see the numbers on the buildings to find their house.  Michelle came out to the corner to wait for us.  I had seen many pictures of her, but I couldn't believe my eyes when I finally spotted her.  (She's the reason size 0 exists!)  
We got to their house in the late afternoon/evening on Friday, and we just enjoyed visiting with the family and the missionaries.  I kept hugging her just reaffirm that she was a real, living breathing soul.  She threatened us all with licks!

Saturday was the big day for Michelle and Perry!  Our emotions were all on the surface.  As I led the music for the service, I cried while singing "Come Thou Font of Every Blessing" and "I Know That My Redeemer Lives."  The spirit was strong.

And I finally got to meet Megan -- Michelle's other spiritual guidance counselor.  ;)

On Saturday evening, we went to their ward party and then went to see the "temple lights" at the Mesa Temple.  While there, Tyler told me that he wished he had a grandma like me because I bought them apple cider and donuts.  Ha!  I told him I could be his aunt instead.

On Sunday evening, as we sat around the fire talking about the weekend and our feelings and answering church questions, Michelle handed me a bag.  In the bag, was a card and this gift:

As I read the letter, I bawled and bawled.

I believe that there are people meant to be in our lives at specific times.  I also believe that there are people we are supposed to meet to know for the rest of our lives.  I have several of those friends, and Michelle is one of those people.

That night we all got licks -- yes, she even surprised Matt. 

Michelle's side of the story is different, but as I sit and thought about how joining a crazy adoption networking site (it was crazy), writing a blog post, and saying one little prayer, I realize that the Lord knows what He's doing.  I adore Michelle's family.  We are from completely different worlds, and yet the Lord knew how to bring us together.  We're certain that we swore a pact to find each other, and since we were worlds away, the Lord put us together.

Michelle will tell you that I changed her life.  I will tell you that she's changed mine and continues to influence it every day.  The faith, the strength, the courage, and will for her family to change has set an example to me.  I'm grateful that the Lord prompted me to pray for a missionary experience. I am glad that I was reunited with my sister.