Today was a day of remembering for many people. Today I took the time to remember as well, however it was not painful in any way. In fact, I look at this day very differently than I used to.
As I listened to the final words of my health coach training, I thought of one of the greatest obstacles of my life -- my inability to carry children past the 2nd trimester of pregnancy. My body naturally aborts the baby for no apparent reason (the doctors never could figure it out). During my first pregnancy, my first baby was 13 weeks when it passed away. I never held it, but I saw and counted every finger and toe (all were there!). That tiny human was testimony to the sanctity of life, but I didn't realize just how important that spirit's mission would be and how it would become an "obstacle."
Jackson came at a mere 25 1/2 weeks gestation, but his mission is different (to perfect his very imperfect mother), and he has lived. Clarissa passed away after being born at 22 1/2 weeks gestation, and at that point, my "obstacle" became very apparent when the doctor told me that I should not have any more babies, or I could die.
A decade later, I can earnestly say that I am grateful for that obstacle. A decade ago, I didn't want to think about the time when I wouldn't hurt anymore. I was afraid that if I quit hurting, it would mean that I would forget. The fact is that my beliefs back then are so far from the truth. I can never forget, nor will I. I think about all of my children every day, but it does not hurt. In truth, today, I remember this day with fondness and utmost gratitude. Today I do not shed tears of hurt, but of love and gratitude for what their missions have brought into my life.
Because I can not bear children, we were able to adopt Cole and Emily. We have added their families to ours, and our understanding of families has grown ten-fold. Our families have grown ten-fold. We've added bonus moms and dads, grandparents, and siblings. Because I can not bear children, I had the courage to discover ALL of my talents. I did not put myself in a box of what I thought I should be -- I was forced to look outside of my box and explore my divine nature in a new light.
Because I buried a baby, I have connected on a deeper level to many friends and met new friends. I have been able to comfort others and mourn with those that mourn in a real way. I have been comforted and held by others who truly understand.
Because of my "obstacle," my life is full, and I have learned to accept obstacles and be grateful for them. No, it's not easy, and no, I'm not always readily grateful, but I'm willing to be taught and to listen.
I have other obstacles in my life, and now I'm looking at them differently, thanks to some amazing mentors and friends who challenged me tonight to embrace the obstacles in my life now and ask myself how they can be the exact things I need to lead me to where I need to be. Because my other "obstacle" in life has proven this statement, I don't doubt it.
No longer am I going to let the obstacles stop me, I'm going to embrace them and be grateful for the growth that will come. I choose to be grateful in all circumstances just as Elder Uchtdorf has taught in a talk:
"Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be."
Now, you may have remind me of this blog post the next time I vent about my "obstacles," but I may not be grateful for your reminder. . . (wink, wink)
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