Birth Mom

My adoption friends are probably out there wondering why I haven't mentioned Cole's birth mom really at all on my blog.  I, who advocated so strongly for birth parents and open adoption, have hardly written anything about a relationship or connection there.  I haven't even mentioned his adoption story yet.

"Why?" You ask.  This seems so hypocritical, or for others out there, this seems so typical of adoptive parents.

It is so difficult to write a lot about Cole's story because it isn't mine to tell.  It's his.  It's hers.  A part of it is mine, and that part I will share.  His birth mother's story, however, is hers to tell if she ever wants to share it.  I respect her so much that it is hard to write a lot about her on my blog, such a public place.  She is a private person, and I respect that.

I often think of Mary, the mother of Jesus, in the Bible reference, "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart."  (Luke 2:19)  I have been doing a lot of "pondering."  So much of the story is so spiritual that to put it here on a blog seems to demean it a bit.

I will tell you, though, that we have met Cole's birth mother.  I'm still getting to know her, and somehow I feel profound love for her.  For every day for the rest of my life I will carry a piece of her with me.   I think about her every day.  It sounds outrageous and cliche, but it is very true. 

All of the years of waiting and researching and learning about adoption helped me.  Many of my birth parent friends gave advice, many without knowing they gave advice and many knowing they were, long before Cole was born.  I was not afraid to meet her (we didn't meet until just a couple of days ago).  I was not afraid of her relationship with Cole; in fact, I felt very honored to witness some tender moments. Sometimes, I even felt a little like I should turn away because I didn't want to interrupt her time with him.  I was glad of a friend who had mentioned how important "alone time" is between a birth parent and his/her baby.  I wanted her to have that, if she wanted it, which she did.  I never felt threatened.  Thank you for those of you who taught me not to fear.

I did have worries, however, they weren't for me.  I worried for her.  I hated telling her that we had to leave to get Matt back to work.  I hated telling her that we had to take him again.  I hurt seeing the pain in her eyes because of adoption.  I worry how she will blame herself and feel guilty.  I know this is normal grieving, but I know how painful grief can be, and I pray for her.

So, I hope you will forgive me that I don't spend a lot of time writing about her.  I deem our relationship dear and sacred.  We communicate quite frequently, and I'm happy about that.  It's a new relationship for both of us, and it's growing.  She's not "the other woman" that we don't talk about.  Jackson knows who she is, and he warmed up to her quickly.  If you know Jackson well, you understand this.  Let's just say the best picture I have of her is the one that Jackson took right up in her face.  (Haha, sorry about that!)  He respects her as well. 

We love her, and we want the very best for her.