I'm not trying to one-up Matt by posting so quickly after him, so make sure you read his post. It was very good. However, I'm still going to post. My friend posted a very informative article on her blog that I think we should all read because I know we all know someone who is struggling or has struggled with infertility. Here is the direct link to the article: Infertility Etiquette
Okay, did you read the article? Not yet. . . well, go read it.
Now have you read it?
Okay, here is my opinion. I really liked that article. If I could add one thing to that article it would be some advice I got from my doctor after I lost my little girl. He told me that I needed to be the voice. I couldn't expect people to be sensitive to my situation unless I told them about it.
Another thing I've taken to heart was that I couldn't expect people to tiptoe around me. People are going to complain about their pregnancies, and they are going to talk about how hard it is to raise kids but that's because that is their current situation. I think it's just as important for me to remember that their trials are personal to them just as mine are to me. If they shouldn't complain about pregnancy to me, then I shouldn't complain about not being able to have kids around them. It will just make them feel guilty when it is not their fault. Instead we should be able to help each other and raise each other up. You know, the covenants we made at baptism, "comfort those that stand in need of comfort, . . . mourn with those that mourn."
Also, we have to remember that people say insensitive things without meaning to. They just do. Instead of getting angry and bitter, I've found that it's much better if something said really bothers me (meaning I can't just let it roll off my back), that I should educate them and let them know without being rude or critical. Chances are that they'll feel guilty even if I was polite and informative.
I know I'm technically not infertile, but some of the emotions have been the same as I've had to deal with accepting not getting pregnant.
What do you think?
Thank you so much for your comments! I totally agree that we all need to be thoughtful of each others feelings. I feel like I am finally in a place emotionally where I can do this but it has taken years to get here. Thanks for linking to my blog :-) Sure love ya!
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I thought it was a very good article and I really liked what you had to add to it. I think that generally people don't mean to hurt others but just don't think before they speak. This was a good reminder to me to be patient, understanding and aware of what someone else might be going through.
ReplyDeleteGreat article. It brought back so many memories to me about when we were going through infertility treatments. It's amazing how quickly I have forgotten what it is like to be in that spot. I liked what you wrote about people complaining about their "current situations" -- it is so true. I think most people, at least me, tend to live in the moment. A few years ago a friend asked me to write up some stuff about infertility and I really struggled with remembering those feelings. Even though when I was going through the experience it was painful and emotional, now that I am in such a different spot, it is hard to remember.
ReplyDeleteGreat. I love your comments LeMira--you are wise beyond your years! Life can be hard--and I say things all the time with out meaning to be insensitive or hurt peoples feelings, but I am sure that I do a lot!
ReplyDeleteLeMira,I think your additional comments are extremely important. The article is very well-written and considerately expressed.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing.
I appreciated the article and it definitely helped me better understand the thoughts, feelings and difficulties that those who are dealing with infertility face. At the same time, I felt quite overwhelmed by the article--like, what CAN I do but simply avoid talking to people facing infertility? And, (Not to be the devil's advocate or anything...) to be honest, the article made me feel a little powerless, a little useless and like I DO need to tiptoe around my friends facing infertility because of course, their trials are MUCH worse and more painful than anyone else's.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that was not your friend's intent at all and I am overly sensitive to feeling useless and powerless because of some other family situations (totally unrelated to fertility) I am facing that I can't do anything about--BUT I think YOUR comments add so much more depth and breadth to the article. It is much more sensible to realize that sensitivity to people's trials goes BOTH ways. Each of us faces our own trials and even if they are trials OPPOSITE of what our friends face, they are trials to the person experiencing them, and we need to be considerate and understanding of each other, regardless. If we can be sensitive to each other AND FORGIVING when unintentional yet thoughtless words hurt us, and if we each remember that we are NOT the center of the universe even though our trials can definitely make us feel like we are, then the world will be a much better place.
I don't know if any of that makes sense but I did appreciate reading the article and seeing things from another point of view and I LOVE your comments on the article, LeMira. I think they totally make sense and show wisdom and I agree 100%.
LeMira,
ReplyDeleteI lurk on your blog sometimes. It's Kim Madden from Wymount :). I loved that article. I am not infertile, but we did go through a 3 year period (I'm sure that's nothing compared to most people trying to conceive) where we were unable to have children and suffered multiple miscarriages. It was a very difficult period of my life. I would have loved to have that article on hand to give to every member of my family and some well meaning friends.
I agree that you tend to complain about the situation you are in. My friend and her husband tried for8 years to become parents before finally getting pregnant. She said that others felt she had given up the right to ever complain about her pregnancy because of what she went through to get pregnant. In her mind, it was just one more side effect of her years of infertility. I know that people complaining about their pregnancies was the hardest thing for me while I was going through my miscarriages, and it was even worse that I was living in Wymount during all of it (I'm sure you can relate). I finally had to realize that it's ok that they complain about their pregnancies even though I still cringe when people do it too much.
In response to Amy, I understand how difficult it is for someone who has not gone through it to completely understand. I know that I haven't felt the deep loss that a lot of families have. I have a list of appropriate things to say when someone is suffering with infertility "I am so sorry" "I love you" "I'm here for you". My sister-in-law sent me a note that said, "I love you and I'm so sorry for your loss" when I had my 3rd miscarriage and it was perfect. It said everything it needed to and nothing more. We are so quick to drop off dinner to a struggling new mom, but not as quick to drop off something to a woman who is struggling with infertility. A kind word or thoughful gesture is never inappropriate.
After being annoyed for 5 years about women complaining about their pregnancies, I learned my lesson. I had a fairly rotten pregnancy. The only way I got through it without tons of complaining was remembering those five years and the many times I promised myself I was going to be such a happy, non-complaining preggie. The lesson I learned was that I was being self-centered by being annoyed about those women before. Whenever I'm all self-righteous ("when I get pregnant I will NEVER complain like these ungrateful women!"), I'm always put in my place by having an experience like that. I got to be reminded that just because women say that they wish they weren't pregnant anymore, or that their pregnancy sucks, they're not saying they're not grateful for it. They're saying it's hard and it would be nice to not have to go through the hard part in order to get the thing they ARE grateful for, their kids. Same with women sharing their mothering woes. I always think people need to be more sensitive to my needs and my troubles, but then I realize that by thinking that, I'm the one that needs to put myself in their shoes! Does that make any sense?
ReplyDeleteThe more experiences I have, the more I realize that we just need to be understanding about everybody's situation, and recognize that their trials are as valid as ours, and it doesn't mean they're not grateful for what they do have.
Can you tell this has been on my mind lately?
Funny the lessons we get taught by life!
It is so hard to put into words the feeling and thoughts that you have while going through both infertility and adoption. I appreciate and love your comments and thoughts on infertility and adoption. Most of the time dealing with the infertility has resulted in me feeling inadequate. However, going through adoption has helped me feel my Saviors love for me, and overcome some of those feelings of inadequacy. I would not be who I am without both the struggles of infertility and the miracle of adoption.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that has helped me is my families constant support of whatever Chris and I were/are pursuing at the time. That doesn't make the pain and hurt go away, but it certainly makes it more bearable.
Thank you for the article, I think I am going to share it, especially has we near our IVF treatment.
Loved the article!! I think the feelings of loss are similar to the feelings mentioned in this article. I loved your comments LeMira and mirror them. I thought it was funny (interesing not ha ha) that after I lost my son the nurse said, "no honey your are going to be angry when you see pregnant women and thats okay!" In my brain I was thinking, no its not okay, for me! I'm not about to hate something so wonderful or deny someone their joy. Feelings can be tricky and our hearts often betray our minds in siutations like these, but I know for a fact that the Savior's love for me was so great that he helped me to see all the beautiful things that I had so my focus could be that instead of the pain associated with my loss.
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