Note: This post has been hard for me to write and post here because it is such a public forum. However, a big part of changing is having accountability and when I post my thoughts here, I feel I'm owning my emotions and who I am.
Today I got on the scale, and I was confused. It took me a second to realize what I was looking at. I didn't recognize where the needle was on the scale. I have not weighed this low in at least SIX years!!!! I admit that I was expecting to gain weight because I've had a hard couple of days where I just gave in to the cookie dough and french fries cravings.
Losing weight has so many emotions tied to it. When I exercise I still feel like I'm tearing down a cinder block wall* one block at a time, trying to uncover who/what I really am. Each block has an emotion tied to it. Sometimes it's pain, heartache, or loathing. These blocks are heavy, and I hate to carry them - they make me want to quit. Lately, however, I've found blocks that have elation, joy, and motivation in them. These blocks bring a renewed energy and strength. I love these!
As I remove each layer, I learn something about myself. This week's layer is one that I'm finally able to revisit and face. I realized this week that I don't finish things. I get started on a project, and it gets halfway to most of the way done, and then I stop. I'm tired, bored, and don't want to finish. Yep, I get to the hard part and quit. I'm a quitter. I thought back to high school and why I quit basketball. I was scared of failing; I didn't want to sit the bench; I didn't want to work harder to become a better ball player. Instead, I quit.
Now did you catch in there something else I've noticed? I'm a quitter because I'm scared of failure. Why haven't I finished painting the many rooms in my house? I'm afraid I won't like them or that I will ruin something else in the process. What a dumb excuse!! Anything has got to be better than what's on the walls now.
Anyway, I could keep rambling about this forever. However, the point I want to make is that I DON'T WANT TO BE A QUITTER ANYMORE! I want to make it to my goal, and you know what, I can. I will.
*I chose a cinder block wall because those things are heavy and a brick wall just doesn't cut it for this journey.
Good job !!! Why does weight have to always be such an issue ?! I try to tell myself it doesn't matter but I don't really convince myself :)
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you shared your thoughts on this subject; I know you are talking about weight loss here, but I really, really needed to hear(well, read) this message in relation to one of my own goals. Thank you again for sharing your heart in this way. :-)
ReplyDeleteLeMira, we're TWINS, because I am a TOTAL quitter because I'm afraid of failure! I don't want to do new things because I'm not good at them. Which makes NO sense because you get good at things by doing them!! Once I realized this about myself, it was so liberating, because now I totally recognize it and STOP it when I want to quit! I refuse!
ReplyDeleteA quote that has helped me a lot for some reason came from a YW lesson I gave once about ... goals, maybe? Anyway, there's this story about Spencer W. Kimball and how he decided to read the whole bible cover to cover, and when he finished it, "The experience built his confidence. He had learned he could count on his own resolution." After i read that I started asking myself if I could count on my own resolution. I don't know why, but it totally stuck with me. And got me out of bed to go running on several occasions.
I'm not surprised about the weight loss! I was noticing in the pictures you posted a couple days ago of you and Jackson that your FACE looks thinner. Awesome job!
ReplyDeleteI love this post. It's so honest and brave. Congratulations on realizing something so deep-down about yourself, and for having the guts to start changing it. That's so admirable and awesome!
ReplyDeleteI noticed the weight loss in your photos of you and Jackson, too. You are looking fantastic!!
ReplyDeleteGreat post--you are always so honest and brave. Your thoughts always give me lots to ponder...I think I struggle frequently with the same thing!
You know, I feel the same way about failure and quitting. I lost 20 pounds last summer after having Emily and then I just stopped because I was scared I wouldn't be able to reach my goal weight. You have insiped me to get started again and continue. Thank you for posting this.
ReplyDeletePS. I also don't paint my wall because I am afraid I won't like the color. :)