Support Team

Support groups. . . yeah. . .I never used to be a fan of them. When Jackson was born, I'd heard a little bit about the NICU Parent Support group in the hospital, but to be honest I was selfish. I really didn't want to listen to anyone's story. I was focused on me and mine. The same thing happened after I had Clarissa. I told myself that I didn't need a support group. I could handle it. Of course, it helped that I had the bestest friend living in the apartment upstairs. She would listen and console all day if I needed her to. She was the BEST (and still is).

A year after I had Clarissa, I found two friends who had experienced the same loss I had. I spent hours with each of them talking about our angel babies and our experiences. I didn't realize how good I'd feel listening and talking to them about it. There was something there that helped my wound to heal and become a scar - it was called "validation." Being with these women and talking to them didn't change what had happened or how much it hurt, but somehow knowing that what you're feeling is normal and okay helped.

Now jump ahead to my adoption journey. There is this great group called Families Supporting Adoption (FSA), which is sponsored by LDS Family Services. It's meant to be a group for anyone who supports adoption, but you find mostly hopeful adoptive parents, parents who have adopted and their children, and some birth families (at least that's been my experience in my local chapter). At the first adoption workshop, we were invited and encouraged to attend the activities and to participate in FSA. We went to one activity, and we felt so out of place and out of touch. We didn't really talk to anybody, and we really didn't know how to talk about adoption. That's probably because we knew nothing about our journey. I seriously felt guilty that we had a biological son and that we were hanging out with couples and families that couldn't ever bear their own children. Anyway, there weren't any couples or families there with whom we really seemed to "click." So, we quit going and participating. Adoption became our own journey. That was three years ago.

Fast forward to today. When I started doing my research, I realized I needed a support group. I got in touch with the local FSA chapter again and volunteered. I asked when and where they met and if they needed help. The answer at first was promising, "Yes, we need volunteers. Yes, we'd love your help!" Well, we went to the Birth Mother Walk in May, but since that time, I haven't been invited to any planning meetings, and we don't go all of the FSA events because it seems we usually have a conflict. I promise, I really tried and still do.

Well, I decided to try a different avenue. A few months ago, I joined an adoption social networking site and a Mormon Mommy networking site. Well, I've been scammed and hurt on one but not the other, and guess on which site I spend all my time and have the most friends? The adoption site -- the one where I've been hurt. When I was scammed, I didn't realize what would happen. Besides not being naive or trying to friend every expectant mom on the site, I've gained some very close friends. We are able to bring up our adoption woes, hopes, worries, and stories at any time without feeling judged or misunderstood. We rarely have to explain ourselves. We ask questions and get ideas of how to understand things, and there is a large group of us who have started a private group just to discuss possible scams of which to be aware.

Do you know what I've found? People need people who understand. These friends can't necessarily change anything, but we can support each other and buoy each other up. When we are hurt or angry, the others hurt and help each other work through it (or plan drive-bys). We need validation that what we're feeling is okay, and we need people who we can trust that tell us to be careful, to watch out, to keep our emotions balanced. I've laughed and cried.

Jim Gritter in his article, Does contact change the grief for birth parents?, explained in even better words what I mean.

It is validating to learn that there are people out there who have had similar experiences and who have similar feelings. Feeling understood doesn't fix anything, but it reduces the loneliness and that makes a difference. Good to know I'm not so crazy. Still, as affirming as it feels to be understood, when I'm grappling with intense grief, I want a hug. That means we need to get beyond our dependence on the Net. It means we need to help the people who are close to us understand our needs so they can blot our tears with their warm shoulders.

Nothing has changed in our adoption journey - meaning we haven't been chosen by an expectant mother, - but now I feel like I have an army behind me. There is a whole group of understanding people who are on my support team. And guess what, Ladies, I'm in yours. Now we just need to plan that convention and meet so we can have those "warm shoulders" to cry on.

Now I ask, who is your support team? Do you have one? If not, you need one -- whether it's your family or some close friends, or even other women/mothers in your neighborhood. I find I have different support groups for different things. I have the women from my church who live close. I have my best friend and my mom and my sisters-in-law that I can talk to on the phone for support. I have my Ladies from AV. Who do you have? Find a "support group." You'll be glad you did.

(And I guess I should get even more involved in FSA. . .)