The Triad: Adoptive Parents

(If you missed the introductory post in the series, here's a link to go read it:  Adoption Triad.)

This series is going to be harder to post and keep short than I thought. It is full of my own personal opinions. Feel free to agree or disagree with as much or as little as you like.

Oh, well, here I go.

I decided that the first post I should write should be on what I know best, the adoptive parents because that is where I will be on the adoption triad. (Right now I'm just a hopeful adoptive parent, trying to form my triad.)  I understand this may sound biased because I'm speaking from my point of view. 

Before branching out and researching all sides of adoption, I only heard a handful of negative views of adoption, not enough to worry me or open my eyes. I was clueless. If you remember, in one of my past posts I talked about how I never thought I would ever want to adopt. I didn't think I would ever be here on this path, thus I never really looked into adoption or asked about it; I didn't get to know to the families that had traveled that road although I saw them every week at church, nor did I try to understand my high school friend who was a birth mother. (That whole idea was a foreign concept to me, but I need to keep that to the birth mother post.)

Perhaps you aren't aware, but there is a ginormous adoption community - just online, and I know I've only scratched the surface with my research. When I began reading what other members of the adoption triad thought about my branch, I was shocked. Shocked awake. Let me ask you some questions.

1. When you hear happy adoption stories, from whom do you hear them mostly? That's right. The families who have adopted, the ones who are so happy to finally have that child for whom they've waited and prayed. They are the ones that feel "complete." (I realize that I'm over-generalizing here. . .) 
2. Why are most couples led to adoption? Infertility or something similar like my situation. 
3. What do you hear hopeful adoptive parents say over and over? "We're searching for our miracle." "Adoption is a gift." "Adoption is Love." Those things sound okay, right? Well, apparently they don't to everyone. 
4. What do adoptive couples hope for? A happily ever after. According to many in the adoption world, adoptive couples are selfish and clueless, tainted by their desire, their insatiable craving, to take another mother's child. Hard to hear? Yes, but crucial to changing my thinking and understanding of adoption.

I admit it. When I first headed down the adoption path, I was only thinking of my own family. We had decided that adoption was the way to build our family; we needed adoption to find our baby. It was for us. We were going to save a baby from a horrible situation because we were obviously a wonderful family. Who wouldn't want their baby to be placed with us? We would be the answer to someone's prayers who couldn't do better than us. . . (Disgusted, yet?)

Of course, I'm exaggerating a little bit, but when I think back to three and a half years ago when we decided to adopt, I can't help but thinking that perhaps I was thinking those things. Why did we decide to adopt? Oh, yes, I was told to not get pregnant again after having Clarissa. I would never have even considered adoption until then. But there's more. . . I remember, we fasted, prayed, and went to the temple, and the Lord told us that we were to head down this path. I was so scared at that time, I knew very little about adoption, and unfortunately most of it was based on opinions that were originally not my own. I knew it was a way for couples who couldn't have children to build their families, and that our church advocates it. I'm not one to question an answer to prayer, so we took a huge leap of faith and found out what we could about getting approved for adoption.

I can honestly admit to myself that I fell into the "Blind Hopeful Adoptive Parents" category. It's true, as an adoptive parent, I have something uplifting to anticipate; my adoption journey is based on joy, hope and faith. (Lots of faith, remember this post?) I have been blind, naive, and selfish. Yes, I was immature in my adoption. I know now so much more than I ever did three years ago, and for that knowledge I'm grateful.

Adoptive parents can have a big advantage in the adoption realm. Many times they have a big support team following them: family, friends, an agency, a caseworker, the law, etc. They also hold a lot of power. They make promises and say sweet things to encourage expectant moms to choose them as parents. Essentially, they are making a resume - applying for a job, emphasizing their talents and family skills. Adoptive parents have to make themselves look good. (Some would say that adoptive parents entice and coerce birth parents to place their child with the couple.)

An adoptive couple's power does not stop after placement. In fact, they are the ones that can end contact and break promises still with the law on their side. The new family decides what to tell the child and when and how.

I feel like I've written ugly stuff about adoptive parents, but now I want to show you what I've seen. Adoptive parents do have a large support team, and hopefully that team will be there to support the adoption during the child's entire life, and the birth family. I really, truly hope that one day that my child will feel like he/she has two families that love him/her more than anything and that the two families are more like one because they love each other. I've seen it happen, at least when it comes to in-laws. I know this is possible.

While there are adoptive parents who resemble vultures more than they do human beings, I have to say that most adoptive parents are some of the most loving people. Their hearts have been broken and ache for something they can't have, and so they wear their hearts on their sleeves and soak in any and all information about birth parents and their stories. For this reason, they are easy targets for emotional scammers. They want to let anyone in and prove that they are open.

Another quality that I love that I've experience personally is the fierce loyalty they share with one another. Adoptive parents rally around each other and support each other. I truly feel like I have a whole support team just of other adoptive parents. Seriously, I think there's a club. . .The thing is, though, that the club is NOT exclusive. Anyone in the triad is welcome, and we welcome anybody who's in the big, web thingy. Like I said, we soak up any and all information and experience.

(Again, I know that I am not describing everybody. I know that there are adoptive parents who have made horrible mistakes and who have made the adoption experience nightmarish for birth mothers and their adopted children alike. No two adoption stories are the same.)

While adoptive parents can break an adoption, they can also MAKE an adoption. I know some of the kindest, most caring families in the world, who instead of just gaining a child, welcomed a whole new family into their own. The birth family and the adoptive family love each other and support each other. (I've heard of these experiences from children who were adopted, birth mothers, and adoptive parents.)

Now, why do adoptive parents break their promises to have an open adoption? Why do they not send pictures or refuse phone calls and visits? In some cases, according to my caseworker, it's because the adoptive parents feel that the choices of the birth mother are inappropriate and not safe for the child to be around (i.e. using drugs). Sometimes, it's a lack of communication. In other cases, I firmly believe it is out of fear.  Fear that they will overwhelm the birth mother; fear that the baby will bond more with the birth mother than with the adoptive mother; fear that the birth mother will want her baby back; fear that the baby will love the birth mother more. Personally I think that fear comes from lack of understanding. After all, knowledge is power. When you learn something, when you know it, you know what to expect, how to avoid things, or what is possible. Adoptive parents need to make sure they are educated in adoption, then they will be better equipped to handle the unexpected.

Yes, I am nervous about adoption as it will be a new experience, but I'm not scared anymore. I'm excited. Although it's hard to say that I've been waiting for three years to adopt, I can say that I am better for it. I will be a different parent to an adopted child now than I would have 3 years ago, even one year ago, because I have read so many different stories, opinions, and advice about adoption. I have opened my eyes to the hard things, the controversial pieces, and learned accept them and change my thinking and understanding. My eyes are open.

I no longer feel that I am going to be chosen as an adoptive parent because I am the only one that can love or care for a child. I do not think I am better than a birth mother, nor do I think that I will have more love that my child's first mother (because that's absurd).

I know that my view is limited because it is mine.  I hope and welcome any and all comments that you have -- whether you agree or disagree -- that's the only way to learn and grow is to listen to what others have to say.  If you have questions, ask them.  Do you have a positive or negative experience to share?  Do you need to enlighten me on something that I apparently don't know?   You will not offend me.  The only thing I ask is to be polite and respectful.