Don't Forget Dad

As I've read and researched around in the adoption world, there is something that really bothers me.  So many times it seems as if the birth father's feelings are put second to the birth mother's.  Women who have watched their husbands be a father, or especially watched their husbands grieve over the loss of a child will know that there is a connection between father and child.  I understand what it means to be pregnant; I know what that feeling is to have a life grow inside of you.  I know the loss that comes from having a baby too early, and the loss when that baby passes away.  Yes, there is a different grieving for women than for men.  After all, they don't feel the phantom kicks, the hormone changes, or the empty womb; however, we can not assume that because men don't experience some of the same things, they they will not experience their hearts being ripped from them.

When Jackson was in the hospital, it was Matt's voice he recognized first.

The first time the doctors told us that Jackson might not live because he was so ill, it was Matt who couldn't let go, who cried to me, "I can't let go of my boy."   Matt gazed into Clarissa's eyes and held her very tenderly; he cried bitterly when she passed.  A father has a very deep, special connection with his children.  His connection is different than mine, but it is very real. 

 I firmly believe that is the same with a birth father.  We can't assume that just because a man fathered a child means that he's only a sperm donor (sorry if that's too blunt for some of you).  We can not assume that a birth father won't grieve over placing a child for adoption; we can not assume that he doesn't feel a connection.  True, his connection may be different than the mother's but it is still there.*   A very insightful post I recently read by a birth father explains this connection and grief very well.  I hope you will take the time to read it:

 Light at the end of the tunnel and the long, dark tea time of the soul.  


*I completely understand that all birth fathers don't feel this way.  I would never make a generalization like that, but I still believe we can't dismiss their feelings so easily.  I also understand that there are many adoptions in which having the father in a child's life may not be ideal, but that is a completely different post for another time.