Five years ago the saying "Time heals all pain" was something I couldn't grasp. It made no sense to me. My pain blasted all reason. My heart failed me almost every day. I couldn't understand anyone "letting go." What did that mean? A friend who had experienced similar grief told me that it would get better over time, but I couldn't imagine. For some reason it seems like if we let go of the pain then we diminish the memories and demean the love, the meaning of that person's life in ours.
I've talked before about the wounds. The cuts are deep, and your heart is never the same. I have friends who have experienced those same feelings, although our life experiences are very different. The wound scars over, and a dull ache remains and is a constant reminder. Like a child, we hold our wound, nurse it ourselves. The "Band-Aid" is there, but for some reason we can't grasp it, for that would mean healing and letting go, saying "good-bye."
Sometime during the last year, I released my pain. I feel different. Don't get me wrong, I miss my daughter daily, and some days I still ache for her, but the ache isn't paralyzing pain anymore. The thing is, though, I can't tell you exactly when I let go of the pain. I just remember one day thinking, "it doesn't hurt." Granted, I feel pain some days, when my heart and soul ache for my daughter, for my family to be all together.
Do you want to know the most amazing thing? The pain is gone, but the love remains. In fact, the love is deeper than I could have imagined. When I think of Clarissa, my heart fills with a deep, abiding love. Yes, absence does make the heart grow fonder. Somehow I've held on to her, but let go of the pain.
(See, Jackson is holding on, but smiling. . . hehe. . . had to find somewhere in the post to put my cute boy!)
Last night as I lay in bed thinking about this post and trying to fall asleep, Wilson Phillips' song "Hold On" kept playing over and over in my head. So, here's the link, just for you to click and enjoy.
I'm in the same grieving spot that you're in. Wounds do heel, pain lessens but deep love and the gospel truths of blessings to come are real.
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I had a similar experience while healing from a different kind of pain. I just wanted to comment because I felt the same thing- there wasn't a moment when I started letting go and forgiving, I just one day was thinking and looking back and realized it was easier now and that things had been getting better. I think part of why I didn't know when it started is because it was a gradual healing brought on by turning to the Lord. I was doing the work of praying and asking for His help, but He was the one doing the actual changing of my heart. So while I was concentrating my energy on asking for His help, I didn't notice when the change started because He was the one doing the work of healing me.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to hear you are finding a new measure of peace and a new depth of love. Life and the atonement can both be so amazing.
So I'm sitting in the hospital right now, reading this blog and crying like a baby. My hormones are seriously messed up right now.
ReplyDeleteBut this was just what I needed today. I've thought about you constantly the last few days. Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. But I think it's amazing that you can feel okay again after such an ordeal. Heavenly Father really does love us.