You Said It!

If you spend any time researching adoption or reading blogs about adoption, I guarantee that sooner or later you will find a post about what not to say or what the proper adoption language is.  I have read multiple posts from different points of view about this particular subject.  You will even find disagreements about this as well.



Here are some of my favorite posts:

How much did YOUR kid cost? by Dan at Single Dad Laughing
Adoption Thoughts by Esther
How to Irritate a Birth Mother by Jill Elizabeth at The Happiest Sad

After reading some of these posts, you may be thinking, "Wow, these people sure are sensitive!  Why do they get so offended easily?"  Guess what?!  It's time we give adoption the respect it deserves!  Adoption is DANG HARD for anyone involved.  There is loss all around in adoption, and there is joy, but it is very fragile.

Sometimes we think asking someone how much an adoption cost is a trivial question, but it's not.  What if a perfect stranger came up to you while you're with your child and asked, "How much were your medical bills for that child?  Were you on Medicaid?  How much did you end up having to pay out?" (I can come up with more examples, but I think you get the point.)

You'd think that person was ludicrous and completely out of line, and you'd tell them (or want to tell them) to mind their own business.  Why is it different with adoption?   Why do people feel like they need to know or that they can just ask/say anything?


About a year ago I did a post on Infertility Etiquette, remember?  I just want to repost something I stated in that blog entry:

Also, we have to remember that people say insensitive things without meaning to. They just do. Instead of getting angry and bitter, I've found that it's much better if something said really bothers me (meaning I can't just let it roll off my back), that I should educate them and let them know without being rude or critical. Chances are that they'll feel guilty even if I was polite and informative.

People ask/say insensitive things about adoption because THEY DON'T KNOW!  When Matt and I were first married, it was common to ask or to hear, "When are you going to start your family?  How many kids do you want? Are you pregnant?"  I admit that I was guilty of asking those things.  Why?  I was curious what other people were thinking because I was trying to wrap my head around and decide what I wanted to do in life, and at that point I had NO CLUE that a many women experience miscarriage, loss, and infertility.

Guess what?  Even though our curiosity is natural, those questions are completely inappropriate.  The same goes with adoption.  It's none of anyone's business what my husband and I decide in regards to our family.  If you're relationship is close enough, you will know if you can ask those questions, or more likely, you will already know them because your friend has told you.

As I talked to Matt about this subject yesterday, we talked about what we would say in response to some of these inappropriate adoption questions.  Our response, "I know you may not mean to offend, and I don't mean to be offensive to you, but I just want you to know that the questions you're asking are actually very inappropriate." 

There is a time and a place to ask questions.  Think about it first.  Is it really that important?  Just as we want people to be sensitive to our situations and needs, we need to reciprocate that behavior.  Oh, wait, I think I just spouted off the Golden Rule.

My friends who know me well, know that they can ask me anything.  I'm someone who is willing to answer any question, even if asked anonymously,  because I'm an open person, and that's how I learn and decide my true feelings.  So, I've decided to add a Formspring widget to the left side of my blog.  Is there something you're dying to know about me?  It can be anything, and you can ask anonymously.  My one request, play nicely.  (I do reserve the right to not answer your question if I feel it's inappropriate, but chances are that I will.)