This guy is MY LIFE. I have spent four years wishing, hoping, anticipating for another child. I've never been ungrateful, not once, for my miracle. How could I be? Four years ago, Matt and I made the decision we wanted to adopt a child; we received an answer to our prayers that we were to pursue adoption. Four years later, here we are with a perspective on life that, in some ways, has stayed the same, but, in other ways, has changed immensely. We still have not adopted.
This summer, I finally made some big decisions that were necessary for my guy. I now understand my son in a way that I didn't before; and I understand that there is so much I DON'T understand. I still have a long ways to go. I realize that I am where I was with adoption - pursuing a path in front of me, uneducated. This time, the path has taken a direction that I didn't see coming. This path is laid out before me, and the choices are different. The choices are about how and what I'm going to do on this path. I can not just walk away from this one, from him. It's time to be educated about the path I chose before adoption.
In a way, I can see that adoption has sucked a part of my life away. For four years, I've anticipated adoption, and I realize now that I have a choice. Although it will forever be a part of my life and something that I understand better than I ever have before, I am at a crossroads. I can choose to walk away; I can let things be for a while; or I can keep pushing forward. Right now, I'm going to let things be. I'm not letting go completely, but let's just say I'm giving some slack.
The absolute most important thing I've learned in the last three months is that I LOVE MY GUY. He is enough. I'm happy with my life, and I feel like I have been blessed beyond measure. He is worth it to me to live my life for him. He is my blessing. (Yes, we are still hoping for adoption. If the time comes that we get to adopt, then don't mistake that I won't feel the same about another child; but I'm talking about if that time never comes. )
Basically, I'm tossing the guilt and catching the joy. I will probably post about adoption this month (as I have some posts I haven't published yet), and now that I've gotten these thoughts out of the way, I'll probably post more than I thought I would; but I'm not going to let myself feel guilty about not posting adoption any more. I'm not feeling guilty about not reading adoption as much as I used to. I'm catching the joy that is my life now.
LeMira, this was a beautiful post. I think, regardless of our situations, we all need to learn to let go and find joy in what we can do and what we have. I'm excited to hear where your "journey" takes you.
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