If only. . .

The saying goes that hindsight is 20/20.  When we look back at where we were with what we know now, we see so much clearer.  Guess what? I disagree.

Let's be honest.  If you look back do you see what really happened, or do you see what you think happened based on what you know now?  Do you really remember it the way it really was, or have your emotions changed about that time, that incident such that your truth has changed? Are you sure the way you remember it is true?

Now, I want you to think about life right now.  What is the hardest thing happening in your life, or are all the things in your life compounded to make it unbearable?  If only this one thing would go away.  If only I could change this one little thing life would be better.  If only I could go back and make a different choice.  If only I could go back to a happier time, an easier time.  Things weren't really that bad were they?  Weren't they better then than they are now?

I'm reminded of a poem from the book Holes by Louis Sachar

If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs,
The bark on the tree was as soft as the skies.
The wolf waits below, hungry and lonely,
And cries to the moon,
if only, if only.

Believe me, I've had my own list of "if onlys"

If only I had gotten in the habit of exercising instead of eating when I was stressed.
If only we had adopted a baby sooner.
If only I hadn't gotten pregnant when I did.
If only Jackson had been born on his due date.
If only we waited to buy a house.
If only we saved to pay cash for our car.
If only I didn't complain about my calling to so many people.
If only Jackson didn't have PDD-NOS.
If only Boston wasn't so far away.
If only I didn't eat three Krispy Kremes after my 5K on Saturday (yes, I really did).
If only I didn't yell at my son nearly as often.
If only I didn't say that thing to my husband the other day.
If only Matt got a huge raise.
If only I went back to work full-time.
If only I had five kids.  (ahahahaha. . . )
If only, if only, if only.

But guess what?  IT ISN'T!  If only is NOT and may NEVER BE.  There are past if onlys and future if onlys.  Past If Onlys don't exist, can't exist, DIDN'T exist.  Move on.  Okay, that's definitely easier said than done.  The truth is that hindsight is not 20/20 all the time.  The truth is that sometimes the past looks better than it really was, or (dare I say) worse than it really was. How many of us look at our teenage years as either glorified or completely horrific when really, it wasn't either?  (I know there are some stories that really are that bad, I won't say that those don't exist because we all know that they really do.)  Time to take off the rose/gray colored glasses (depending on what you're wearing).

Future If onlys may have some merit if they are realistic.  The goal is to QUIT SAYING "IF ONLY" AND GET UP AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  Don't murmur and complain, Get up and Do! I have so many Future If Onlys, and most of the time, I put them up in the clouds where I can't reach them.  Guess what?  It's time I either take them down and make them realities or let them go.  It's time to live with the now.

Right now I can't change many things in my life, but I can change my attitude about them.  I can be proactive.  I can let things be.  I've decided to let adoption be for a while.  I've done about all I can for now, and so it is time to let it be (not let go) for a bit.  I can't change who Jackson is, but I can learn all I can and help him learn who he is and reach his full potential.  The one thing I can change is my attitude.  As a wise high school teacher proclaimed (almost from the rooftops)

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING!* 

She is right.

This is a TOUGH journey, but the only way to find pure joy in the now is to let go of the "if onlys."

What are your if onlys?  What are you doing about them?

*Those who know this teacher will know why the words are in yellow.