FYI: A Lesson in Grieving

(Clarissa's burial dress)

Over the last several months, I've occasionally heard some sad stories about grieving friends and others whom I have never met. In several of these cases, the grieving people talk of loved ones who are trying to help, but have no clue that what they're really doing is adding stress and anger. Coming from someone who grieves a little each day, here are some dos and don'ts to help you know what you can do to help.

DO: Pray for them that they can find comfort and peace.
DON'T: Lecture or tell them how they can find peace. For example, don't say, "You don't need to cry, your loved one is in heaven." Most of the time, we already know this, but it doesn't take away the pain of LOSS. The truth does give comfort, but usually grief is not for where the person may be but it's about what we don't have, what we are missing, or the pain and trauma of how we lost that special person.

DO: Call, send a card, give flowers, send an email or note, or drop by for a visit if you feel like you get those promptings in your heart. It's always nice to know that someone is thinking about you. Also, if you happen to remember an anniversary of someone's loss, don't be afraid to call someone and let them know you were thinking of them. You can bet they're thinking of it that day, and it's so nice when someone calls. My mom and dad are great at this!

DON'T: Expect someone to be "done" grieving. Grief never fully goes away, but the pain lessens over time. NEVER, EVER tell someone that it's time for them to "move on." Nothing can ever replace the loss, and grieving is different for everyone. You may think you know someone who seemed to move past the loss quickly, but let's be honest and admit that we never truly know the inner strugglings of someone else. They may wear a happy face in public, but in private they may shed many tears.
Story: A friend of mine asked me once "How long is it okay to grieve?" I told her to take as long as she needed. She then proceeded to tell me about a cousin of hers who told her that she needed to get over her loss because her emotions and depression were hard on the rest of the family and bringing them down. Ouch! That's like saying, "we're done comforting you, so you're on your own."

DO: Expect the grief/emotions to hit at unexpected times. Although the pain of my loss has greatly lessened, the grief and pain every once in a while hit at random times (at least it may seem that way to others). Remember my Toys R Us experience?

DO: Let the grieving person talk about their experiences and loved ones as much as they need. It's very healing to be able to let your emotions, thoughts, and feelings out.
DON'T: Feel uncomfortable when they talk about their experiences, they're not trying to get you to feel bad, it's usually because that's is what is on their mind. Also, the more you're there for someone, the easier for that person to find peace and comfort. (Thanks to Natalie who was at my house EVERY day for a long time afterwards, and who never chides me for my moments. Love you!)

Finally, thank you to all of you who try your best to help someone who is mourning. Overall, I know that people in general are trying to be helpful, but they sometimes say things that hurt, and they don't realize it. (It happened to me.) I hope this helps somewhat.

(Clarissa's shadowbox that hangs on my living room wall.)