Perspective

Jackson getting a "new" perspective on his Nintendo game.

Isn't it interesting that two people can hear the same statement and think two completely different things? Recently as I've been visiting with friends, I've had to remember that when I hear their opinions about what someone has said IT IS THEIR OPINION. Their opinion may not be exactly how a person meant it to be taken. Let's face it -- we all say stupid things; or the thing we meant to say didn't come out of our mouths the way we intended it, so we feel really idiotic and dumbfounded because we don't know how to correct our tongue-stumbling. Sometimes we sound very insensitive.

For example, a person I know and am acquainted with but that I'm not "buddy-buddy" with says to me, "You are either very smart for having one child, or you can't have any more. At least that seems to be my observation about people who only have one." (I've actually had this happen to me.) Okay, those who know my situation around me are probably saying to themselves, "What? Did she just say that to you?"

I can react in a couple of ways.
1. I can respond defensively by saying, "Are you saying I'd be dumb to have or want any more? I can't have any more. Thank. You. Very. Much. Next time be a little more sensitive and stick to your own business."

2. I can react sensitively back to her. For instance, I can take a step back and realize that this mother is probably really stressed right now with her children and newborn and thinks that she'd rather just be dealing with one 3 year old rather than her multiple children at present. My actual response was, (nervous giggle -- shocked she had said that), "Um. . . actually I can't have anymore." And then I told her our actual situation.

I'm very grateful for my doctor who gave me poignant advice after I had Clarissa. He told me that I have to be the one to tell others about my situation. The people around me can not be sensitive if they do not know my situation. Essentially, I need to educate them about my situation. That's exactly what I did one year ago when a lady I was just getting to know said something very inappropriate to me. I remembered that she did not know me very well, and that she had little children, and she is a very open woman.

Here are the lessons I gleaned from this experience. 1. We need to take a step back and try seeing things from another's perspective. Although her statement seems very insensitive, you can see that the sister really was trying to be sensitive by stating that I probably couldn't have anymore. Some of my friends who have a similar baby history to mine would have been more offended and hurt at that statement. Also, be careful what you say otherwise you'll get someone's life story (like mine) because they need to educate you on life's experiences.

2. Don't make assumptions. I loved watching the Worldwide Leadership Training last winter. Sister Lant said that one lady came up to her one Sunday and said, "I'd have more children if it were as easy for me as it is for you." Sister Lant then proceeded to be in tears the rest of the meeting because it WASN'T easy for her. I could have been in her situation. Jackson's life has been very eventful and overwhelming at times. Perhaps I really didn't want to have more, but I was feeling guilty that I had decided that I didn't want more because I couldn't handle it. I would have reacted very differently then.

3. Don't read too much into what the person is saying. She really isn't telling me that I'm stupid if I want more children, and she isn't trying to make herself look likes she's a much better person because she has more children.

4. Remember that people make mistakes. Many times people are REALLY trying to be sensitive, and just don't know how to express it. When they find out the situation, many will realize that what they said was not the best choice of words.

5. Finally, try to be sensitive to others and learn from their experiences. We all have our own opinions and our own life experiences. It does us all good to take a step back and listen for a while. I can learn a lot from someone who has many kids, just as someone can learn a lot from another woman who can not and maybe will never be able to have any.

I have friends from all walks of life, and I'm grateful for it. I'm most thankful, however, that my friends have not been driven away by my too-abrupt questions or statements that I always regret later. Sensitivity and perspective are things I think we always need to work on.