Eyes Wide Open

I remember in college when I began doing research for a persuasive paper.  I remember thinking that there had to be more, that I wasn't even scratching the surface (I was writing about public vs. private schools and the voucher program).  I knew this because I felt like I understood nothing more about it than when I began.  The internet was still new to me, and I had no idea how to research it.  I even think my professor commented on how my sources weren't great.  Basically, I think I got by on that paper, but didn't open any doors.  I think I was guarded.  I avoid hurt, pain, suffering, confrontation, etc.  Remember the last post. . . I prefer rose-colored glasses; daisies, sunshine, happiness.  I'd rather everything be roses.  Thus, I didn't really open my eyes to the extremes of that paper.

In the beginning of this adoption process, I felt the same way.  I didn't want to hear the painful side of adoption; I wanted to stick to the miracle, happy side of it all.  Adoption is love, happiness, family, a miracle, the best thing ever, and so on.  When I finally opened my eyes to the birth mother's side of the story, I began to see the depth of adoption, but still just the surface.  I started to see that adoption isn't all happiness for everyone all the time, but it was still pretty positive for me.  The stories I read were uplifting and educational.  Even if they were painful (and I cried for those birth moms whose adoptive parents weren't as honest or understanding as the birth parents thought they would be), all of those stories still advocated adoption. 

Then one day I was reading a post by one of my favorite birth moms, Kelsey, about being attacked by other birth moms.  What?!  How could someone do that?  I didn't understand.  Then, I clicked on one of the profiles for a comment and was led to another adoption blog written by an adoptee. As I read, the words stung.  I was confused - was this supporting adoption or not?  Basically, someone slapped my face.  I clicked on other links and was stunned again.  This was not a side of adoption I'd seen before. I was feeling a new emotion.  This couldn't be right!

Within the next month or so, I slowly turned around and faced what I was reading.  I started asking questions and finding different points of view.  I found more perspectives.  I understood that new emotion better, but found it was two in one: DOUBTGUILT.  I felt guilty that I wanted to adopt someone else's baby.  Was I asking a mother to give her baby to me?  Am I guilty of making promises to entice a mother to choose us?  Is this really the Lord's plan - breaking up families? Shouldn't I just be grateful for the one I have and move on from this "obsession"?

Those are all questions I really asked myself, but today I can say, honestly, where I stand.

1. Yes, I believe the Lord wants families to stay together; he wishes with all his heart that children could be with their natural mothers; BUT first and foremost, he wants his children to have a family with the influence of a mother and a father.  Adoption BUILDS families and joins families.  If done right, adoption can be one way we are linked together as a big family.
2. Adoption is not all daisies.  Just like in any family, there will be mis-communication and errors.  People will get offended and hurt, but we can learn to forgive and be better.  We can learn to be honest and open.  We have to work to make it happy, and it will be, if we work for that goal together.
3. I am happy.  If adoption never happens for us, then so be it.  Yes, I will be sad but not out.  I LOVE JACKSON with my entire being.  He's not on the back burner.  He never will be and neither will another child.  As a parent, you learn that somehow your love doesn't split between kids, it grows for the others.  Our children will not be compared to each other because one is adopted and one is not.  They will both be ours, they will both be our Heavenly Father's.  They will both be LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY!
4. Am I guilty of making promises?  Yes.  Do I intend to keep them?  Yes.  Have I fluffed my profile?  Sadly,  yes.  And I hate that.  I am trying to get that fixed.  Writing that dang birth parent letter has been the hardest thing and still is.  How do you write all you want someone to know about you in two single-spaced pages?  I'm learning how to write us and not what I think someone wants.  I want it to reflect who we really are.  It feels so much like a resume. . . ugh.
5. I do not feel GUILTY.  I'm not trying to entice or coerce an expectant mom to choose us.  We are an option.  There is no pressure to choose us.  We are here if and when she needs us.
6. Above all, I do not DOUBT.  I know this is our journey.  I'm a religious person with a faith and conviction that this is the Lord's plan for us.  Yes, it has taken longer than I'd expected, but I'm a better person, more educated than I was because we waited.  I am ready to love a child, an entire birth family, and the miracle that adoption can be for the rest of my life.

There will always be opposition.  Always.  We all have a different experience, and we all can learn from each other.  We NEED to learn from each other and open our eyes.  You never know what you will see.   Today, I thank Kelsey Stewart for her adoption post: Why I Babble About Adoption . . .  She put into words perfectly what I needed to hear.  Adoption can be beautiful - it can turn out to be a flower --  a rose among thorns.

(Photo by Matt)