Open Adoption

Last night Matt and I were on a date, and we decided to go to one of our favorite restaurants that we don't often go to, but we'd both been craving Korean food.  As we pulled into the parking spot, I looked over at the car next to me, and there was somebody in the car looking at me.  I think we recognized each other at the same time, and we both jumped out of the car and hugged.

It was Cole's birth mom.

Neither one of us was expecting to see each other like that.  She and her roommate were waiting for her laundry to be done at the laundromat next door to the restaurant.  I had no idea that's where they do their laundry. We only chatted for a minute (it was cold outside).  In that brief moment, though, a genuine love filled my heart for that woman.  In the restaurant Matt and I talked about how much we love and appreciate Cole's open adoption and how much we love and like her.

The term "open adoption" is flung around hopeful adoptive parent forums like candy sometimes.  It sounds very enticing, and in many adoption arenas, that phrase is almost expected of adoptive parents.  Hopeful adoptive parents say how much they want an open adoption without knowing really what it is or what it means (believe me, I know, I was one of them).  Adoptive parents talk about how wonderful their open adoption is, painting a glowing picture of adoption.  It is easy to be enticed into believing that if you don't have an open adoption, then you're not fit to be adoptive parents. (I haven't heard this anywhere specifically, but sometimes it's the feeling you get in the circles.)

Did you know that originally Cole's adoption was supposed to be closed?

One of my best friends asked me before Cole was born if I was glad that it was going to be closed.  Her question made me really stop and think.  Was I?  At that point, there were some very key reasons why I was glad for a genuine concern for Cole's safety, not regarding his birth mother, mind you -- never about her.  (There are parts about his adoption that I haven't mentioned, and won't mention here, but there was legitimate concern.)  However, I was really sad about the closed adoption because I knew that there would be questions Cole would have that we would never be able to answer; there would be a hole in his heart where his mother should be, that I could never completely fill; and he would miss out on his rich family heritage that Matt and I just can not give the same way.

I had an idea, and my friend encouraged it.  I set up an anonymous email for us so we could still send pictures and let her know how he was doing.  I'm so glad I did that; it was the gateway to our current relationship.   We now have visits about once a month and communicate through email and pictures regularly.  She reads this blog, and we call each other once in a while on the phone.  It's a very open adoption.

I still get incredulous looks or the "really?" question when I tell people that she is coming over or that we are going to meet.  My answer is always, "Absolutely.  We love having her come over."

Now here's where I'm going against some of the grain of adoptive parents.  While I believe in open adoption whole-heartedly, I'm going to tell you something.

Open adoption is hard.

Open adoption is awkward.

At first.

A few weeks ago, a blogger that I link to quite often, posted about another topic that I happened to be thinking about, this topic, in fact.  His post from a birth father's point of view is here: Weird, Like Normal.  He points out the fact that the relationship between adoptive parents and birth parents is centered around one person: the adopted child.  Let's face it, I may never have met Cole's birth mom if she had not placed Cole with us or at all for adoption.  Our relationship is forced because of a child.

That doesn't mean it's a bad thing.

In the beginning, the relationship was really awkward, but aren't all relationships that way in the beginning?  Think about when you try to make friends for the first time or are introduced to someone new.  What do you say?  How do you feel trying to make small-talk?  Do you really jump right in and ask hard, personal questions?  Do you spill your emotions out on the table in a rush to get someone to understand you? No.  You try to get to know the person first.  You find out what they like; what they don't like; where they work; who their family is; where they grew up; etc.  You guard yourself as well.

Matt and I are very open people.  I don't mind telling the world about myself (as you know from reading my blog).   I'm grateful to my mother who instilled in me the desire to really know people, to not be afraid to ask certain questions and to share things about myself.  I find that when I am open, others feel comfortable to be the same way.  Be genuine, be open, be friendly, and you will make friends.

I admit that, at first, I wasn't sure exactly how to handle the "two mothers in the room" situation when we met.  Was I offensive to her because I was holding her baby?  Did she think I was doing things right or wrong?  Was it too hard to be sitting in the same room together, sharing the baby?  Could I still be his mother when she was around?  Do I jump in and take over and let her do it all?  What do I do?

The first time I heard her say, "My son," I admit that my heart skipped a beat.  I didn't overreact, though, I thought long and hard about that, and I accept it.  He will always be her son; he will always be my son.  To quote another birth mother, "He will be mine in a way that he will never be hers, and he will be hers in a way that he will never be mine.  Together we are motherhood."  I appreciate this quote so much more than I ever did before.  

Open adoption is not co-parenting.  We both understand that, but why can't he love her the way she loves him?  I will let him choose.  Babies are smart.  They know.  I know that he knows her.  You can tell when she holds him.  It tugs on my heartstrings every time, and every time, I'm so grateful that life has progressed to this.

It's easy to love her because she's the first mother of my son.  I've learned, though, that I really like her.  I like her personality, even though we are very different.  I like her because of her, not because I have to, but because I do. I look forward to seeing her.  I wanted to invite her to dinner last night, but she said they'd already eaten, and they still hadn't been home from work yet.  I wanted to have more time with her because I like being around her. 

I could go on and on and on, but basically, open adoption is a process.  It's all about building relationships that last, and what does that take?

Open, honest communication

Patience


Understanding

and most of all


Time

Give yourself and the others involved a chance.  Don't expect a best friendship in the beginning, but you can hope for one.  Hope for the best and give it your all.

To Cole's birth mom, we love you immensely; and I can't wait to see you again!