A few days ago, the prompt was "healing." A dear friend of mine posted a raw, genuine description of her daughter's placement at the hospital and the "agonizing joy" wrapped up in that day. Since reading her description, the word "healing" has been on my mind a lot. I've been thinking about healing in many aspects, not just adoption.
Adoption Healing for Me
Two days ago, Matt and I attended an Adoptive Parents Support group. For the past 6 years, I've avoided those because I couldn't stand them. They felt clique-y and contrived, and honestly, competitive. It was hard to bond with those you felt were your "competition," or those "perfect parents" that seemed to have adoption painted as the "rainbows and unicorns" and flowery that we just didn't see. We went to a handful of those meetings/get-togethers years ago and decided that we didn't fit in, so we quit attending those activities. We felt out of place and more alone at those meetings that we did accepted and loved.
Honestly, I know I felt those emotions because of where I was in my journey. I remember when that started to change for me. It was 2011, and Matt, Jackson, and I were driving back from our cross-country trip to visit family. We had a month-long trip to the Eastern U.S., and we had six months left before we had to renew our adoption homestudy; we were approaching 5 years of waiting to adopt. We decided on that trip that we were content and happy with our lives. Matt and I talked about all the things we would do with Jackson if we weren't blessed with adopting a child. We weren't going to renew our homestudy. We made a bucket list of things to accomplish and do with our little family since Jackson was 7 and old enough for many adventures that an infant would prevent us from doing.
We accepted our inability to bear more children. We loved us for us. We were happy.
Within a month from our "healing," we received a phone call. Within two months of that healing, we adopted Cole.
For me, healing didn't come when we held that long-awaited baby in our arms. Healing came before. For me, that was imperative. Healing my heart and soul was not (and should never be) a child's job. Children should not have a job before they come into this world. An adopted child definitely doesn't need that responsibility hanging over his head because there may come a time that he doesn't feel attached or connected to his parents.
The other side of that is that adoption always comes at a significant cost. I'm not talking about money, although, sadly, there is always something to pay someone. The cost for adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoptees all involve some sort of hurt, pain, loss, and separation. This is why adoption is a complex thing. Adoption can bring all of those people together to create something different, something new, and for many, something wonderful; but it always comes at a high price. The child placed in my arms cost someone else the greatest price she could pay. The heart swelling in my chest is contrasted with the heart being ripped in two at the same time.
This past week, this statement hit home hard:
Healing affects all areas of life
In my last post, I talked about my change over the past two years and who I am. I sometimes wonder if people think I changed because I didn't like myself or that I was depressed or unhappy in my life. I wonder if they think that I thought I had to lose weight to love and accept myself. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Two years ago, I realized I wasn't reaching my potential, that I was holding myself back. That was when I started changing and striving to make changes, however, the only reason I could make those changes was because I had accepted me for me. I had started to look within and see my talents -- what I was good at, and that I was happy with those. While I wanted to grow and develop more, I wasn't looking to fill some void in my life. Matt and I were content. We love our little family, and we are so grateful for all with with the Lord has blessed us. It was only after I accepted me that I could move forward. It was only then that I could unlock the box deep within my soul where I had locked myself away for years. Transforming my health has transformed my life. It has not changed who I am -- I still struggle with impatience, being controlling and opinionated, and wishy-washy at times, I love making friends, talking a mile a minute, and being in charge, but I'm confident in those things, and I believe I can change them now.
Losing weight and gaining health didn't change who I am, but it gave me the confidence that I can change and accomplish those dreams.
Recently, we unexpectedly had the opportunity to share our adoption blog with another expectant mother. As I had to scramble to update our adoption blog (it was almost 5 years old), I was amazed at how easy it was because I wasn't looking for validation for who we are as a family or for me. I didn't need someone to tell me how wonderful I was. In fact, I went in and changed much of the wording because I wanted to describe us as we are -- not as I thought people should see us. I added recent pictures and just showed us. If a mother was going to place her child with our family, I wanted her to see us for us. I wanted to be honest and straight-forward. I didn't feel like I was competing -- either she loved us for us, or she didn't, and you know what, that was okay.
So, back to the other night with adoptive couples. Matt and I went and really enjoyed ourselves. Not only did we feel like we had a lot to contribute, but that this was going to be an opportunity to grow and bond. Matt mentioned to me that he is excited to attend more events because so much of adoption is focused on the baby -- the infant -- that we forget that children grow, that they are going to have questions and concerns, and we are ready to focus on "the child" and what's beyond placement. This group will help us build friendships with other blended families and we will be able to talk about what we are doing and not what we "plan" to do. We are excited to make new friends for us and for our children. I'm excited for Cole to have friends who are adopted as well.
Healing comes in our lives, and many blessings come after the great pain, but I firmly believe that the blessings can be enjoyed more fully after the healing. It is sweeter and greater. Healing is a process, not a an event. Thankful to my newest, tied-at-the-heartstrings friend for sharing this quote with me. It sums up my thoughts perfectly.
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